Yes it is very important - more so now than ever because I need some reassurance. I know you are right that it would be a shame to throw everything I've worked for away for the sake of a couple of months of patience. If I thought that was all it would take I could handle it. But it has taken a month to get from a peck to a half hearted don't really want to do this "proper" kiss. So given how many more steps there are to ML stage this is going to take months and months and months.
I have thought I should maybe get the SSM book. I just wonder if H isn't prepared to step out of his comfort zone there isn't a lot can be done.
I have spoken to H and he says he knows how I feel and is sorry I'm upset and he doesn't want me to be. He says he'll try to push himself to try more but then doesn't. And I don't want him to have to push himself I want him to want to! I'll check out the relate site. H did say he'd look at c if it went on a long time but his version of a long time and mine are different apparently.
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ML with someone else
You always manage to make me laugh when I'm down!! Wish I was that kind of person but unfortunately for me I'm not. Good way of illustrating your point though - like it!
Thank you for being so caring Jen. Posting on here and getting some replies when I feel like jacking it in is the only thing stopping me walking out right now. Thank you.
It's not that we haven't ML for 4 years, it's the hot and cold spells during that time since she started working nights
Oh I see!
I am so with you on it all. All I want to do is make my H happy in every way and have a whole M and a whole H instead of this. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Being separated from H was awful. Piecing with no ML is awful.
If I thought that was all it would take I could handle it. But it has taken a month to get from a peck to a half hearted don't really want to do this "proper" kiss. So given how many more steps there are to ML stage this is going to take months and months and months. quote] is it? Is it really going to take months? I can see the logic but feelings are rarely logical. You are assuming and imagining. It may take less. It could be as well that H feels pressured (even though I know that isnt' what you want to do) and ...well..that can have a deflating effect on men ... Comfort zone ... interesting point...when my H was LD I asked if he'd consider a baby step out of his comfort zone ... I would accept no ML if he would let me massage him, or he could massage me. Just an example.
[quote=inpain]Thank you for being so caring Jen. Posting on here and getting some replies when I feel like jacking it in is the only thing stopping me walking out right now. Thank you.
You are most very welcome - I don't know what ANY of us would do without this place, I treat it sometimes like my little padded cell where I can come and SCREAM!!! Then I'm calmer and can deal with whatever is bothering me.
Good luck with this and let me know if you go for the Relate stuff - oh yes the BBC website also has a good section on relationships, mentions sensate therapy too.
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
oh for heavens sake I just CANNOT get the hang of this new format!!! My quotes are all over the shop and I can't find ANY of the emoticons and I can't add an avatar!!!! ARGH!!!!! Would someone insert some angry emoticons for me, I can't find them!!!
Here endeth the rant.
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Jen, Jen, Jen take a DEEEEEP breath and do the following - instead of typing in the "quick reply" at the bottom of the page, click on the "4reply" at the bottom of the last posting and you will have access to all the emoticons, quotes etc. that we had before
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
is it? Is it really going to take months? I can see the logic but feelings are rarely logical. You are assuming and imagining. It may take less. It could be as well that H feels pressured (even though I know that isnt' what you want to do) and ...well..that can have a deflating effect on men ...
Maybe you're right Jen. Gosh I am just so negative and deflated about this subject aren't I. H does feel pressured. He says he would still feel pressured if I wasn't feeling the way I do because he knows it needs sorting out but maybe not as pressured. I just can't seem to stop having a reaction and making it known whenever I feel he is avoiding me.
I checked out the BBC website thanks, there was a lot of interesting stuff on there. I don't know how to put any of it across to H though. I'm apparently expecting too much and not taking it slowly if I want one kiss per day. H said last night that I just don't seem to understand the concept of taking it slowly. Well yeah actually I do but I just thought that once we had done something once (ie like kissing) we could then do that every day and build it up to something else. But apparently not in H's world. Might try suggesting a bath or something but I think I already know the answer. Thank you for your suggestions about massage. I have said to him about that as I remember seeing something on TV about taking things slowly in this way and he says you can massage me when we go to bed if you like and then it doesn't happen because he says he doesn't need one now. I'd love to do the sensate therapy - I think it would help him but he doesn't seem to want to help himself.
Inpain, you definitely need to step back and take it slower.
Pressuring your H to take a bath, kiss, etc. etc. is just pushing him away, it will not bring you closer. I waited almost a year before I started getting pecks, and that's all they are to this day, just pecks. There is no passion in his kisses, they are still superficial. But they are kisses, something I haven't had for a long, long time. To me, this is progress. To you, maybe not.
As for taking a bath together - there is no way in the world I would ever suggest that to my H at this point. We are still way too far apart for that. We haven't ML for close to 3 years (yes, 3 years) and I know it is going to be some time yet before we can broach that subject or action.
I know it seems like it is never going quick enough for you - I've been there. You have to step back and take the pressure off not only your H but you also. You are becoming obsessed with it and when you release that obsession you might be pleasantly surprised as to how his actions start to change.
Take a deep breath, GAL and take it a heck of a lot slower
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
I just caught up on your thread. Sounds like your D is certainly Busted! Congratulations.
Don't initiate so much of the sexual/sensual interactions. Just chillax to the max... and let go.
Now tell us what makes you chillaxed in life? What are your chillaxing activities girl?
Why don't you go schedule a spa day and then a day with your gfs and then dancing or something. Just think of one thing to do to fill your weekends or evening instead of laying so much pressure on your H.
He's right there. He's not going anywhere. Just breathe!! A Lot!
love you babe --------------------------- rainbowlove ============================== JG is coming back to me and we're going to have a family. Positive thinking!
Sounds like your D is certainly Busted! Congratulations
For now yes I think it is. H and I had a talk last night - it was really gentle and we both calmly stated how we're feeling. H said that if it ended right now he'd be relieved that the stress was over but it isn't what he wants to happen. I said I knew what he meant. Its like both of us don't want it to end but we are both tired and fed up of the stress caused by the outstanding issues. H asked if there is anything we could talk about that would make me feel less insecure and stressed. I couldn't really think of anything other than him showing me he loves me, telling me he loves me which he cannot do. I explained that when he thought I didn't love him he left me yet now I don't feel like he loves me and he knows that yet he expects me to stick it out and wait. He said he could see what I was saying. I don't know what the answer is. Neither does he. It is so sad. We both don't want it to go wrong again but I can't stop feeling upset about H not telling me he loves me or kissing me etc and H can't sort his head out. H won't go to a C. So I just don't know what to do anymore. I know you're all screaming at the screen saying just relax and stop talking to him about ML. I just can't. I get up every day resolved to and every day I fail because I just want to know. I know people probably read my thread and think its only 6 months its not that long but I have been unhappy because of our R for longer than that. It has been 2 1/2 years and then prior to that it was 4 years of not being truly happy because we wanted a child and couldn't have one. So that is 6 1/2 years of not being truly happy. It is a long time. I want to get up in a morning and feel truly loved and truly happy.
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Now tell us what makes you chillaxed in life? What are your chillaxing activities girl?
I don't know. Vegging on the sofa eating chocolate used to be one but I'm determined not to put my weight back on so that's a no no. Relaxing baths is another but I struggle so much to do housework that I end up doing it after S is in bed so I never seem to get time.
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Why don't you go schedule a spa day and then a day with your gfs and then dancing or something. Just think of one thing to do to fill your weekends or evening instead of laying so much pressure on your H.
I'd love to go for a spa day i've never done that but we are broke thanks to H buying car at the start of our piecing.
Thanks Rainbowlove for being so wonderful - you are great!
I GET IT. 6 years is a long time to not feel happy. But the fact is your H cannot make you happy darling. Happiness comes from within us. That's why a lot of us here keep telling you to focus on yourself.
When I asked you about your Chillaxing activities, (GAL activities), you came up short. Sitting on the couch eating chocolates doesn't count! Sorry girl. I meant more along the lines of taking a yoga class, a belly dancing or aerobics class at your local gym. Hanging out with your fav. girlfriend on a Sunday afternoon minus H and S. Visiting an aunt or elderly friend just because. Window shopping in a swanky part of town. Reading books, journaling, taking a short story writing class at your local adult ed center...or a cooking class.
Remember that your H can only contribute to your happiness so far, the rest is up to you! Think about it! If god forbide your H dies tomorrow, would you be condemned then to a life of unhappiness and misery forever? And what if you never found another man to be with? What would your life look like being single and alone? Eventually, a lot us will be alone, might be when we're 90, but still. So what then, you're going to be a sick, mopey, depressed 90 year old? Or could be 70 year old. Life is unpredicatable.
I know where you're coming from in a way. In my own M with exH, I was constantly looking towards him for happiness. My whole day began and ended with being with him and looking towards him for validation not only for myself, but even for the purpose of my life. I thought HE was the purpose of my life. I really lost myself in the M and got resentful. My fav. chillaxing activity at that point would have been sitting on the couch watching ET (entertainment tonight)! And now, I would run out of space to list my GAL activities. Truly.
I have taken writing workshops, enrolled myself in school, made tons of new friends, made yoga and swimming a non-negotiable part of my life, I throw parties, I go to parties, I will be taking tennis lessons in the summer and maybe even joining a league, I am already making plans to go kayaking with girlfriends, camping at an organic farm, planning a beach party at my friend's house, etc, etc.
That is what I mean by your GAL (chillaxing) activities!
I know that being a parent is hard. I know because JG is one and that's probably why it's taking him so long to come around. I understand. But maybe plan your life better...get up early and do the chores in time, discipline yourself, write a schedule and make time and go to the gym 4 days a week or so. That's a chillaxing activity! It can be done. You just have to make that decision to.
Shift focus, make yourself happy instead of looking towards H and external stuff. Also, do you have a spiritual practice? If not, try some meditation or go look up that church or Buddhist center you were always curious about!
Life will unfold, your happiness will WALK TO YOU, just don't try and chase after it so much and look for it OUTSIDE yourself. It's all INSIDE. Once you realize this, you will be FREE!
That's the secret of life my friend...
Keeping you in my prayers...I'm sorry this is such a hard time for you. But it will pass, just don't be in such a hurry. Read a book...how about the Bhagvad Gita? It's the holy book of the Hindus and very profound, practical thoughts in it. I bet you can find a good copy in your bookstore. I've the one by Eknath Eshwaran, it's great! It's a spa for your mind...
love you girl, now make that GAL list again!
rainbowlove --------------------------- JG is coming back to me and we're going to have a family. Positive thinking!
You always manage to make me laugh when I'm down!! Wish I was that kind of person but unfortunately for me I'm not. Good way of illustrating your point though - like it!
Then I'm calmer and can deal with whatever is bothering me. 
I'd love to do the sensate therapy - I think it would help him but he doesn't seem to want to help himself.