Paul, Thanks afor your long and interesting post, and the trouble you have taken in replying. I have also read Goinbatty's post, and largely agree with what is said there.
The stats on marriage and divorce are interesting: currently around one third of divorces, as I understand it, occur within 7 years of marriage. With regard to second marriage, they are much more likely to succeed if each partner was unattached before starting the new relationship.
What is unusual about what I would call a true MLC is that the marriage was happy, prior to MLC, and the bolt came out of the blue for the LBS. [ I do not think that this is because LBS are stupid or complacent.] That theme of a 'bomb' comes over and over again through these boards, and elsewhere.
In additon to being extremely selfish, the MLCer rewrites history, to the extent that they say things that are demostrably false. Obviously one cannot argue with a perception 'I never loved you' even if the evidence in the form of gestures, letters, and other behaviours suggests that this isn't true. But they truly try and rewrite facts, which is frightening.
Part of MLC is midlife transition, but in MLC [IMO] it is compounded by issues arising from childhood emotional abandonment, and in some cases abuse. This is another common theme that runs through these boards. Of course not every abused person has a MLC. Some seek counselling, and help because they have enough emotional intelligence to know that they have problems. Others are simply more resilient.
I believe that two contributory factors as to whether people reconcile successfully, is the strength of the marriage prior to MLC - that is there is really something worth hanging on to, and not just a relationship of time and habit - and the depth/extent of the emotional damage. Clearly those that seek help will tend to move on more successfully, whether to reconciliation, or with their own lives. Seeking help is a recognition of a problem that lies within rather than continuing to blame everything on externalities, and seek solutions outside.
No, not all therapists believe that MLC exists. It took an Austrailian doctor to swallow a beaker full of ulcer creating bacteria to convince the bulk of the American medical profession that this was the main cause of ulcers, not stress, despite well conducted clinical trials. Just because a profession doen't recognise a pathology, doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. It may not, but if it doesn't I do wonder what on earth is going on all around me in my own and other people's lives.
What is important is to heal ourselves. Whatever my WAS does, I want to make good decisions, and live as truthful and fulfilling life as possible. I believe that we could reconcile, but that this is not inevitable. It depends largely on him at present, although I sense that I am moving on too. In six months time I may feel differently. So, in my case I am not sure he will return, nor am I clinging to that hope. Equally, I am not as pessimistic as you about a fairly good success rate overall - without wishing to encourage false hopes.
In my experience, and there was been some UK research, reconciliation is just as likely to fail because the LBS has not fully dealt with their issues, than becuase teh WAS does not wish to work on the r [and their problems]. Working on the r can take many forms, including personal therapy, couples counselling.
This is a good debate, and point to the need for some good empirical research on the subject.
