No, there are not statistics on MLC divorces or reconciliations that I'm aware of. But there is statistics on marriage and divorce.
Not every therapist agrees that there is such a thing as MLC. What I believe is that there are different degrees of mid life transitions. Some people go through the midlife transition smoothly without any problems. Some have struggles with aging, looking older, not being able to do all the things they used to do, not achieving all that they thought they would have at this age and other dissapointments of accomplishment.
Then there are those who struggled with life tansitions since childhood. At each major stage of growth and transition they had issues. At each stage the struggle gets harder and when they reach the midlife transition stage all hell breaks lose.
This group is what I consider having a MLC. All others are simply struggling with getting older and losing their youth.
A MLC person has core issues that go back to their childhood. A recent study has shown that teenagers who strugle with life at that stage of development, had insecurity issues by the time they were one year old.
A MLC person has issues with who they are. Many of MLC males are "Silent Sons."
People in MLC are very selfish. They are focused on getting what they want, what they deserve or are entitled to. They feel that they have given all of their life and not gotten their needs met. Now at mid life, they decide it's time they took control of their life and take care of themselves and to hell with everyone else.
This selfishness comes from their insecurity with themselves.
I do believe in all possibilities. I was a strong believer that everyone who told me my XW was moving on and not coming back, was wrong. I thought my marriage was different. I believed I could fix her and change our relationship. I believed that if I wanted it bad enough and focused all my energy on working to get my wife back, it would eventually happen. I believed if it was to be it was up to me. I believed I had the power within me to control things that were external of me.
I read every book I could get my hands on seeking the answer to MLC and how to cure this disease. Back then I thought it was a disease. Now, I believe it is a natural part of life. It's not a pleasant part of life, but it does occur for a reason.
I believe my Xw did try to connect in her own way. I didn't realize it at the time. When she did make contact, I was already involved with my current wife and had moved on with my life. Had I not been involved with someone new, maybe we would have gotten back togehter. Maybe the only reason she tried to connect was that she felt she was really losing me. It may be why she is still angry with me today, I didn't wait for her.
I did look up some U.S. Divorce Statistics to get some sense of what is happening in all marriages. Are the statistics the same if one spouse is struggling with mid life transitions? I don't know. But if you look at the statistics of long term marriages, the percentage of married people who reach that level drop as time goes on.
Percentage of population that is divorced: 1970 3% 1980 6% 1990 8% 2000 10%
Percentage of married people who reach the following anniversaries: 5th 82% 10th 65% 15th 52% 25th 33% 35th 20% 50th 5%
I'm sure death has some impact on the lower percentages for longer term marriages.
Percentage of first marriages that ended in divorce in 1997 was 50%.
Percentage of remarriages that ended in divorce in 1997 was 60%.
A person who is experiencing a full blown MLC has many issues. The reason they leave their spouse is because the pain is to great to face their issues head on. It is much easier for them to run instead of deal with the pain inside of them.
The belief that MLC lasts about 3-5 years may be for those who are going thru a Mid Life Strugggle MLS. They are far different than those who have major unresolved childhood issues. These issues don't just magically go away after 3-5 years. They remain with a person for as long as they choose to not deal with them.
I've been in counseling off and on for 15 years. I continue to deal with my old tapes from childhood and continually work at replacing them with new tapes.
A MLC spouse has deep issues that take years to heal. There is no quick fix or magic pill.
Of the people you have mentioned that have gotten back together, how long has it been since they returned? Also, how many are seeking professional counseling?
My belief is that the issues that led to their seperation will resurface again. I have read about people who got back together, only to eventually seperate again and eventually divorce. They say they tried and it just didn't work out. The thing that was missing in all thoise I have read about, is that the MLC spouse did not seek counseling to deal with his or her core issues.
I am now in the fourth year of my second marriage. The issues that were present in my first marriage are now present in my second marriage. Did I marrry the wrong person again? No. The issues that were present in the first marriage are a part of me and are still with me. My second wife has issues that are very similar to my first wife.
Life does repeat itself. There are lessons that I'm supposed to learn for me and there are lesons my wife is suppose to learn for her. We have come together to bring out those parts of ourselves that need healing.
We are seeking counseling to better understand what those parts are and working on ourselves individually and jointly. If we had continued on the same path before counseling, I'm pretty sure my second marriage would have followed in the pattern of my first. Which would lead us to divorce.
Their is no gurantee that my curent marriage will last forever. But I am much more wiser and am better equiped to do the things that work in improving my chances.
