I'm having a bit of a tough day today. We went out in the morning to the mall and had lunch out. We seemed to do well in the morning, but she seemed to get more distant the more often frustrating things happened. She also seemed to get angry at me. She fell asleep in the car on the way home, something I see as her escaping being in a frustrating situation, especially when she had plenty of sleep last night. This afternoon I asked my W if she was angry. She responded to my question that she wasn't angry, she was miserable. She started asking me how long this nonsense was going to go on (this nonsense being our marriage). She started talking about how we just don't work together. How she doesn't want to be in our home, whether I'm in it or not. She doesn't want to be near me ever. She said that I don't know how to take care of her, she thinks I do only what I want to do, what I feel (I didn't say this, but I don't think I agreed to "take care of her" - I care for her, but I'm not her parent). She said I don't take her seriously. I told her that I do take her seriously, that her thoughts and feelings DO matter to me, and that if my actions are not conveying this to her, it's my error. I asked her what I can do to convey this to her. What can I do? She wouldn't give me an answer. She told me that it was up to me to figure it out. This is often an issue between us. She can ALWAYS tell me what I'm doing wrong, but will never redirect me in a positive way. It leads me to believe that she's using this as a means of controlling me - if I don't act the way she wants me to than I'm not taking her seriously, etc.
The conversation continued upstairs a bit later. The flowers and candy I bought her for valentine's day were in the living room. She told me that this was an example of how I don't take her seriously. She said that she would have prefered to have her house cleaned the way she wants it done over flowers and candy. She said she didn't even really like that stuff. She asked me if I thought she would. I told her that I thought she would appreciate being cared for in this way - being thought of. She used that to prove that I acted out of self interest and self gratification. I didn't consider that she wouldn't like this stuff - especially because our anniversary is only 10 days away. We have always agreed that it didn't really make sense to get stuff for valentine's because of this. And the fact that I got her something shows that I don't care enough to remember her likes/dislikes. Also, when I told her that I got her a gift - it wasn't an either/or thing. It's not like she didn't get the house cleaned because she got flowers. She responded "shouldn't I have a say in what I get?"
Another thing that came up is her frustration with finances. She is really resentful that I don't make enough money to give her the lifestyle she wants without her "having to pick up the slack." I don't really want to be defensive about this, but I never told her that I would take care of everything and give her the life of a princess. I feel like she's acting like a spoiled brat - entitled to everything and blaming me for her not being able to get it. I know I can improve on our status, and I'm working towards that end, but I feel like I'm being torn down from every angle - there's always some negative to point out, even in the good that I do. Then I get to judging her - thinking she's doing all she can to push me away, trying to make me miserable (because that was she can get what she wants, a divorce) and shifting responsibility for her life from herself onto me. Not solving problems because that would require taking responsibility for a part in them, but escaping them and blaming me for the entirety of them. I know I can be frustrating, but that's life. She needs to deal with things that frustrate her, not just avoid and escape them. I don't want to be a part of the problem, enabling her by helping her avoid things she doesn't like. But often I feel she's hurt by me when I don't insulate her from these facts of life.
She believes that I want control but not responsibility. She thinks I make decisions with my interests in mind, even when it comes to parenting. She told me that she saw me tell our son two opposing things because on different days. Basically saying that I was lazy one day so I didn't follow through in any disciplined way. There was no specific event brought up, so it was difficult to discuss this, but I asked her if it was possible that I had a valid, parenting reason to approach similar things differently. I asked her not to judge my parenting because I work very hard to act on our son's best interests. She didn't agree.
In the end, I felt really hurt. WW wanted me to leave, and wants me out of her life (why she does or whether it's rational or unrealistic or anything else, it doesn't change the fact that it hurts to hear this - even though I'm somewhat numb to it). I took things too personally, and soon after having a tearful moment alone in our bedroom I realized that I shouldn't take it personally. Just because she directed things at me as though all of this is due to my personal defects doesn't make it so. That stupid saying about how when you point your finger there are three pointing back at you comes to mind. It's just tough to feel like a complete failure - and I do this to myself, I judge myself based on how little change there's been in my W's regard of me, but also on my lack of significant progress on a lot of the goals I have set for myself. I felt angry, and I have no doubt that these feelings I have about myself have to do with my anger. I wanted to dump the cup of water I had in my hand over her head, but recognized that this wouldn't do either of us any good. She wasn't to blame for my feeling bad, she just catalyzed some feelings that I have about myself.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
