You did good even if your confrontation was a bit premature.
I am going to make a series of posts to you. I am going to keep them relatively short so that you can digest each on on its own merit.
First, decide if you want to stay married. Your decision. If you do, then read on.
The physical affair started sometime prior to her cutting you off sexually.
Since a confrontation without a full set of facts is inevitable, it is important to realize that she is going to lie to you, and when she tells the "truth" it will be partial and minimized. Examples: "Just a kiss" is probably a BJ. "Met for drinks" is probably sex in the hotel room. "I only had sex with him once", is really sex with him ten times. "Just a friend" is an outright lie and should be identified as such.
She will try to blame the affair and any ugliness preceding it, on you. She will make it all your fault. She must own her contribution to the state of the marriage at the time of the affair as you must also. You did NOT, however, cause her to have an affair. That is ONE HUNDRED PERCENT her choice.
Don't expect this to end with a single confrontation. She is emotionally involved with this guy as well as physically. Emotional entanglements normally don't end suddenly.
Expect threats and anger.
Own up to your contribution to the state of the marriage, but only your contribution. Let her own her part.
Listen to what your wife has to say. Keep the parts that are true, toss the rest. If she hits on an area of your part of the relationship that needs fixing, then apologize and fix it.
Don't tell her what your plan is, or your intentions as to what work you will be doing on yourself. She will use it against you.
Don't make promises. She will only use it as an excuse to continue the affair.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
