Oh i wanted to ask a question to the readers out there, Snodderly you might know.
I have not read silent sons, i wanted to know if there is something out there to read, that will help me, try to talk to my son. Yes we are going to family counseling, with the church.
But something that will break this cycle of Puffy's dad and grandfather.
“Pray as though everything depended on God. Work as though everything depended on you.”
LIssett, I am having an attack of the 'domestic goddess', which mercifully doesn't happen very often, but I baked brownies and parkin [which for those of you Stateside is like flapjack, but less sweet and more yummy]
Now, I am not a psychologist, but I have read Silent Sons. My take is that the real potential disaster is when both parents are emotionally unavailable, and where there is no emotional connection with another adult. I would look at Puffy's mom. She may not have emotionally been able to suport Puffy, which perpectuated the cycle.
The problem with my h was that his father was emotionally unavailable, and his mother felt that she should support her h, rather than her kids [I think she now regrets this, but it is something she finds hard to talk about]. Sadly my h's only uncle had paedophile tendencies, and was kept away so there was no male support. H says that he was never molested, but frankly, I become less and less sure that this never happened. But that is another story. One of the reasons I got so cross about Puffy's denial with his half brother. Sadly people with these tendencies are cunning and manipulative, very often.
As with so many dysfunctional families, there were no close family friends to take a real interest in my h. Because he was very clever he got a lot of support from teachers in High School, and shone at college, but of course he felt he had to 'earn' that.
I think if you are the loving mom you always have been, and your kids get lots of emotional support from male friends and relations they should be just fine. [Though of course family counselling is great too]
brownies? were you waiting for me to come over? Yummy.
Angelica, Puffy's mom, had many men in and out of the house, when puffy's dad left. SHe needed their help financially. Both puffy and his sister, said they were fine with this.
But , having you mom have a bad reputation around town is something i think no one wants.
Puffy's moms shows love by buying her kids, my kids a whole bunc of crap.
she thinks that makes it all better, hence,, this is why Puffy does the same things to the kids.
the more I think about the angrier i get, b/c my kids have no fault in this what so ever, and now i feel like this huge burden has been put on them, like now they are going to be emotionally beat up, over all this crap, and it isn't fair.
now puffy's dad, is Mr, sure I'll listen, he is the listener, b/c listening is free.
he agrees with what they(meaning Puffy and his sister)hae to say, so that puffy's dad can look like the good guy.
he has never paid anything for the kids, puffy's dads way of sleeping at night is knowing that he can listen, all the way from utah.
I hear you angelica, thank you. Boy, there is alot to learn right!
“Pray as though everything depended on God. Work as though everything depended on you.”
LIssett, there you have it. Puffy's mom had men - which is just about the worst thing that a woman can do as far as a male kid is concerned. ALso she 'bought' love, probably as a substitute for what she wasn't giving to her kids.
Puffy's dad 'listened' but didn't hear. Your kids will be OK because they have you amd your loving family, and your fabulous friends. Truly. Cycles can be broken. There is a book called 'Healing in the Family Chain' which a friend is goig to lend to me, so I don't know whether it is good or not. If it is I will post details.
Angelica
PS just took the brownies out of the oven, and the smell of chocalate is just wonderful. I am sending some over for you and your kids.
Puffy's mom just called me, to ask how I was holding up? I said I have been better.
She told me that Puffy told her about the OW.
She is very hurt by it, but she will not take side in this. I said, well good for you.
I told her there is no way, that my kids are meeting this Ow.
So if Puffy start pitching a fit, like a little brat, I don't care. I told her that my family will pay whatever needs to be paid to whatever lawyer, to make sure this does not happen.
She said i know, Puffy is just like his father.
I said, look really I don't want to talk about this anymore, she said why are you mad at me? i said b/c you have never hit him with a bat.
Especially after you know how hard this is, you lived thru this too.
She said I just want you to be ok, i said i will.
and i hung up with her.
I didn't mean to be rude, I'm just angry. It is going to take a while for the anger to subside.
“Pray as though everything depended on God. Work as though everything depended on you.”
Sounds like you have a good day planned with the kids. Try not to let Puffy's mom mess up your mood. IMO, she's not going to be much help to you, because she is NOT going to want to look at herself, her history, and her past. And she can't empathize with you without doing that. JMO, but based on what you described, I don't see her looking too closely at herself.
Enjoy the rest of the day with the kids and friends. Try to stay warm!
Lissett, Good for you. It is a symptom of the dysfunction that his mom isn't seeing it for what it is - a squalid betrayal of you and your family bu the man that she raised. This not wanting to take sides is just stupid and cowardly. She can say she doesn't approve of his conduct, and endorse that she disapproves of the children being introduced to the OW, and will not facilitate this.
None of this would show that she doesn't love her son, just that she has standards. As it is she is spineless and morally indefensible. You cannot waste your time with people like that. Save your time and energy for the many people who love you. She will be the loser in the long run.
My MIL has been totally supportive, and calls me regularly. SHe still loves my h, and prays for him, but believes that what he has done is wrong, and told him so. My kids have a very good r with her, and respect her tremendously. Her gain.
LOL Angelica
I have just eaten a Brownie, and plan to have another with some hot tea. Very English
Where are you? I didn't realize you were not "stateside."
Quote:
This not wanting to take sides is just stupid and cowardly. She can say she doesn't approve of his conduct, and endorse that she disapproves of the children being introduced to the OW, and will not facilitate this.
I have felt this way about MIL and FIL, too, but thought I was being selfish and inconsiderate. I feel as if they can let him know they don't approve even though they love him dearly. I hve already told my Ss that I won't interfere in their lives but I won't pretend I agree with everything they do if I think they are being hurtful and/or self destructive.
Oh, BTW, I just made brownies, too.
Last edited by iluv2teach; 02/18/0705:01 PM.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
I live in England, but my h is actually a US citizen and MIL lives in [wait for it] Kansas. I have lived in the States, but our children all went to school in the UK and Europe. Middle son is currently studying in Amsterdam.
But I make great Brownies, and cornbread, and roast a mean turkey.
Can't say I really like pumpkin pie though - think you have to be born in the USA for that taste to take.
