Afterall....This IS my Life III

[heatherg]

Here it is. Anybody interested?!

My truck's for sale

Of course I'll take the advice. I am NOT beyond doing specific things that I can do, I'm just beyond trying to elicit some change from H. I can see where tying up the loose ends of the last R will be necessary to start a new one and I'm all for that.

I've thought about if the situation were reversed and I've tried to see where H is coming from with the truck. If he had another girl in his truck and had kissed her and talked with her in there....yeah it's a sickening thought. So, let's say I've come to an understanding. There a couple of things I will struggle with though.....I've never asked for anyone's forgiveness in my life. Ever. Those words coming out of my mouth sound so strange, it's like "That's not me. That's not how I talk." But slipping it in like this, seems like something I could muster. "H, I wanted you to know that I sold my truck because I finally understand how offensive it's been to you. I'm sorry I didn't realize it sooner, but there was no way I could hold onto it after I realized how hurtful it's been to you. It may be too late for my gesture, but I was/am willing to do it anyway because I do still love you and I am sorry for what I did to you. I hope someday you'll be able to forgive me."

As for the kiss, I have no problems telling H that because I do agree that if we can get back to a place where we both recognize the value of our M, he will want to kiss me again. However, doesn't it sound a little presumptuous to tell H he doesn't have to kiss me ever again when I've already filed for D? If I were him I'd be thinking "Duh moron, you filed for D! Why would kissing be an option?!" Given the circumstances, how on earth do I tell H that?

[heatherg]

I should probably also mention that H got a brand new truck on Friday. He will probably think I just got anxious for a new vehicle after seeing his. It's entirely possible that my whole gesture will be lost simply because of the timing. That would suck because I am taking a loss in the thousands of dollars range. But I'm still willing to try.

[heatherg]

I'm just beyond trying to elicit some change from H

Ok, let me clarify because as I re-read this, it jumped out at me that selling my vehicle would in fact be to elicit some change from H...I'm certainly not doing it because I LIKE losing money right?

I guess what I mean is that I feel like I've imposed some boundaries by filing for D. I've let H know that the way he is treating me will not be tolerated. That was something I've been unable to do short of filing because no boundary I tried to implement before was ever respected. He tries not to even respect this boundary but because he has a summons to court, he can't ignore it. I feel like I've regained some of my self respect already. And when I can operate from a place of free will, not because I've been oppressed and denied, I'm finding that I'm much more willing to try because I WANT to not because I feel like I HAVE to in order to survive. Ironic that I'm most willing to try after I've filed for D. Why do we humans have to be so frickin complicated?

Not to mention that things around here seem beyond the point of any return. H will not speak to me and he shows a complete lack of even friendly concern for me. For example, if I ask him a question he mostly ignores me. Last night we went to Wal Mart and both kids wanted to ride with him, so we went to his truck first and I helped get the kids in their seats and then he just got in the truck and drove away without grabbing any of the bags. So, I made my way to my own truck, put the bags in and went home.

[LustForLife]

Hi Heather
Well, good luck with your truck. It's worth a try. My first thought though was that the truck is just a small part of this problem. He seems so firmly entrenched in his own denials and self-protections to see this as anything more than you grasping at straws.
I'm certainly not trying to discourage you but don't get your hopes up. Setting all these pre-conditions such as selling the truck just seems sort of immature.
I know people are going to disagree since Nop thinks this is the way to go but what is next? So you sell the car, then what? where does it end?
When my H left he bought all new furniture for his apartment. I have no idea what went on in his apartment, just what he told me. All of that furniture is now in our house, including the bed he slept in. It was a nicer mattress than ours so I said let's use that one. Didn't faze me a bit. He also didn't seemed fazed by any items "tainted" by OM.
So I guess I'm just not "getting" the point of all this advice. If the two people want it to work, they will. You cannot "prove" anything by getting rid of the truck. But again, guess it can't hurt. I hope it helps. Keep hanging in there.

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Blackfoot,


I am new to this thread and have not read your whole sitch. But dang, you are a uniquely witty writer. Loved the "what makes you think I respect you now?" Can I use that without attribution?
j-

[NOPkins]

Hi, heather.

I am glad that you realize you are addressing your husbands issues with the affair. Neither the betrayed spouse or the betraying spouse can predict what will be the sticking point(s) left over from an affair. It is whatever it is. Your being willing to address the issues that your husband has is at least a recognition that his complaints were valid.

There are no guarantees that he will have an initial positive response, or that anything will change, but the truth of what you have done will stick in him like a barbed thorn. He won't be able to run from it, or deny it. He will, at least in his own mind, have to deal with your actions.

Don't dismiss or underestimate the power of an honest gesture.

Since you are concerned that your husband may misinterpret your intentions toward a replacement vehicle, go ahead and tell him what you are doing. I like your script, it should work nicely. If he protests your actions, then reiterate your intentions and apology. If he decides that he doesn't want you to sell the truck and that the issue of other man is no longer a factor, then give him the web link and ask him to remove the listing. If he should choose that course of action, that will be the time to discuss your taking your proper place back in the family, with appropriate treatment from him.

Addressing the kisses, is again, addressing his complaints regarding the affair. It doesn't matter what stage you are in the relationship.

Forgiveness is a big deal. It is hard to ask for, and for most of us, hard to give. If you ask for it, there is a chance that he will reject you. You have to be willing to face that possibility. The upside is that no other action indicates that you recognize that the offense was against him. Being sorry is about you. Forgiveness is about him.

None of this may affect the ultimate outcome of the relationship. Likewise, it could be the catalyst for change. Either way, you will have made the last effort in addressing your major offense to the relationship, and if nothing else, you should be able to sleep peacefully knowing that you tried.

Please keep me posted with your interactions and his responses.

All the best,
-NOPkins-

[25yearsmlc]

Interesting quote in sig about infidelity continuing as long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.

I'd modify that. Their conscience and/or personal code of morals, must exceed their rationalizations.

Same applies to lying, regardless of whether it's an affair, or financial, or the kids, etc. Honesty not a requirement for some, b/c in their minds, being honest means not always getting what they want because their request is denied, or honesty is too hard for them b/c they refuse to face the consequences of their choices. By lying, they avoid this ----in the short run--but imho, deceit ALWAYS makes the ultimate outcome worse, even for the liar.

(Having said that, I make the exception for details of affairs. Once the infidelity is getting honestly addressed, you can spare the spouse the nitty gritty unless they want it. Even then, be careful of their damaged egos. Don't dump on them to relieve your conscience by forcing them to hear every single bit).

I'm digressing and what I really want to do is get the whole picture of this sitch but I can't find it with this new system. Can someone tell me where I find H's original post b/c I don't know enough about the "original sin" and who did what, to comment? Thanks, and sorry if my tangent got you all off track. But I can tell from reading your posts that you won't stay off track for long. This thread has a lot of great thinking/writing in it.
j-

[25yearsmlc]

So you have to go thru the separation b/c your "credibility" is on the line? Or your pride? It's often a blurry, shifting line. Whatever you do, don't do it for the wrong reasons. It is a constant struggle for me to know when I am enforcing a healthy boundary, and when I am being punitive. I can be a dangerously good rationalizer.

j-

[heatherg]

On Lord Grenville's thread, Nops posted: Since a confrontation without a full set of facts is inevitable, it is important to realize that she is going to lie to you, and when she tells the "truth" it will be partial and minimized. Examples: "Just a kiss" is probably a BJ.

I'd just like to say, that is not always true

[heatherg]

J, I'm honestly not sure how to go back and find my old threads. Lucky for me, I printed them and have them in a binder. My thread titles have been Is this really so insurmountable?, Learning to Trust Myself, Am I creating a SSM?, Afterall...this IS my life. There may have been a couple random threads in there, but that is the majority of it.