I guess it's just when the things I haven't done are held against me yet the ones I do and have always done are discarded, it bites!
Yeah, it bites all the way around. She could make the choice to appreciate the things you do. She could focus on that and enjoy her world more, enjoy your relationship more. She doesn't and SHE will suffer for it. You don't have to. If you recognize the love you give her in doing what you do, you will feel love. She chooses not to love when she focuses on the negative, and this is a reflection of how she treats herself. My W does the same - as you well know. Try not to take it personally.
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She uses my lack (as she experiences it) in certain areas to justify her A but gives no credit for the mounds of good things I do.
I can relate to this. It's the whole "you can't give me what I need" logic. It's amazing that there's very little constructive consideration put into getting what they want. It all comes down to the LBS being the problem because the WAS determines that they can't get what they need from the LBS without actually figuring out what they want and trying to solve the problem. In the end you, the LBS, has little to do with the problem. The problem is the WAS getting their needs met, and they are not trying to solve the problem in a reasonable way.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Oh do I know about the "you can't give me what I need" - only my H seems to reverse it saying "maybe I just can't give YOU what you need". That infuriates me because its like he is trying to twist things around and put the blame on me. Don't give me that crap! I married you because you could give me all I needed and more and now you are withdrawing for what? Agrrrrrrr
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Muddle, in her view all I have to do is read her mind, simple as that I think it's also important that I not be so pompous as to assume I know what she acknowledges and what she dismisses, because really I do not know! I FEEL as though all the good is dismissed and the bad recognized, but that doesn't make it so. I can acknowledge to myself that this is how I FEEL, but really that is all I can know. Best for me not to spend too much time on it, it's a cheeseless tunnel that can only create resentment. What is is and what will be is still to come. I'll try to stay positive.
Good point. Make sure that you don't weigh the negatives more heavily than the positives. One thing that I really find is important is not ignoring or hiding from your negative feelings. They are constructive unless you obsess over them. Recognize the call to action that they present and do something. It's when you don't acknowledge these emotions that they start festering and become something more dangerous - like resentment.
Having poor mind reading skills is one of the major things my W faults me for too. She thinks this translates to me not knowing her. As if she could be "known". As if she's consistent and constant and totally predictable! I think this is one of the real negative things that society has done to our marriages. This is a popular (and romantic) notion in western culture, that two people who love each other know each other so well that they finish each other's sentences, etc. It's unrealistic. It takes something that does happen - you get familiar with the likes and dislikes of your partner - and makes it into a larger than life idea where you are there to take care of another person, to make their life what they want it to be because you "know" them, without their direct input.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Well, W has gone out with the b!tch tonight. We celebrated Chinese New Year in a family way and then she went out to fool around. What a friggin joke! Anyway, it was a tough day for D9 and she once again showed me how to DB properly. Her gymnastics meet was a disaster, she did the worst I have ever seen. Yet, despite knowing this, she hung in and did her best because she wouldn't let her team down. In the parking lot she broke into tears and we consoled her. We talked on the way home and I told her about my driving test years ago where I passed by one point! I messed up incredibly and actually hit a curb on a turn. W laughed and pointed out "and look he's still driving!". D came home went to her room for 10 minutes, came down, I asked her to help mom make lunch and just like that she was singing happily in the kitchen. The rest of her day was as happy as any other. She LET GO! That's the lesson. She felt the pain and then let it go thereby allowing joy to enter back into her life. How hard is it to do if a 9 year old can master it yet a 48 year old still can't? Later in the day she joined in making fun of the experience. When she went to bed I told her I loved her and was proud of her. I said that the next Meet will be better because she has the heart of a winner. She hugged me and thanked me. I left her with a smile on her face. That's my girl! My DB role model. She has a lot to teach me.
They can do it because they don't have all the baggage that we do - sad isn't it?
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
I think it's also important that I not be so pompous as to assume I know what she acknowledges and what she dismisses, because really I do not know! I FEEL as though all the good is dismissed and the bad recognized, but that doesn't make it so. I can acknowledge to myself that this is how I FEEL, but really that is all I can know. Best for me not to spend too much time on it, it's a cheeseless tunnel that can only create resentment. What is is and what will be is still to come. I'll try to stay positive.