I sit here by myself feeling like I really miss my H . Is this why he left so he could get a break and make me feel this way?
I dont think so but that is the effect it has had on me. It amazes me that thru all the pain I stil love him so much. I sit and wonder does he think oif me often or not? I imagine he does but he has alot to do and HIS FAMILY TO KEEP HIS THOUGTS OCCUPIED. I keep myself busy as well but I do think of him when I have time to myself which I alot seeing as I do not work when he does not.

I just pray that he is being a loyal and faithful husband. His track record is not so good,,,his excuses are tooooooooooooo many and he knows how to lie to keep me from crying. I dunno how he lives with the guilt. To be perfectly honest. I think it haunts him the things he has done to hurt our M.
The other day he told me he is tired of his old life and looking for someone basically. And I felt as thpough I would pass out when he said this. I thought well how wonderful that you are tired of looking now that we have been married ten years. Sorry to be so honest but sometimes I dunno why I never stop loving him. There is just something that makes me keep loving and forgive and keep love in my heart and keep trying to be what he needs. But I did say this past time that this is enough and that I would trust him like I used to until he proved me wrong ,, then and there I would decide what I needed to do. I will say that if he does this again I do not think I could do it again ,,,

.....I dunno if I would have the strength to keep my resolve ......

<<<<<< I am only HUMAN>>


and forgive an indescretion again.


..... He has commited far toooooooooooooooooo many and then everyone around him likes to talk about him and tell everyone stories and we live in a relatively small town. So all his stuff comes to me and slaps me in the face.
I know you all came in quickly to his rescue and to mine thanks sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuch to tell me not to believe these stories so I just let them go like I never heard them but I do think about it a little bit but not enough ,,thank God ,,to hurt me too much.
One rumor was that he has another house and a child in Mexico and I dunno if I can believe that one but it hits me in the face every now and again. I heard of this @ 5 years ago too and then I did tell him what others were saying and he was unresponsive so it seemed like his conscious was clean to me and I let it go.

I wonder what I did that was soo bad too deserve all this struggle and pain. I surely know that I do not want for my daughters or my sons to feel the pain I have felt. And I know I cannot keep them sheltered to keep this pain from them indefinitely.

I sit here trying to calm my nerves by posting here but I just feel negativeness coming out of me. Maybe this comes from things going well with my H and me letting go and just wanting to vent a little. I have alot of respect for my H ( duh otherwise I would have done what he did and plus I repsect myself to much to do that to myself or him ) and do not want to make him sound like an ogre but how has hurt me so much while he was searching for something to fill the void I left. He has hurt me in way thsat is indescribable to any human heart one of my close friends has said he has done everything but try to kill you how much can you take? that hurt me to hear.

.... and yet I feel like I could never reach his heart cause he didnt let me in he pulled real hard but he really never wanted me to love him cause instead of pulling closer he walked away and looked for someone to fill himself. NOT GOOD....

I can tell when he is home that he loves me and he does tell me he misses me when he is gone but he gives up before he tries harder. Instead of fighting for my heart he just puts his hands up when he feels............. frustrated.

I feel frustrated right now but I will keep fighting while I still have breath in me and as long as he is willing to be a part of me. Why does this have to be soooooooooooooo darn hard? I dunno,, to make it feel sweeter when I get the love I need?

I wish God would just come sit next to me and show me what is on my H 's heart( am I written all over it or not?????),, it would make my fight so much sweeter. You know..... I would put my gloves on and be ready to fight harder!!!!!

I am still ready for this but I am feeling a little melancholy and need a boost. God shine your light on me please , please.
God bless...