From what I have learned during my time posting here it seems that all the various boards on this site really deal with the same thing – growing up emotionally. The different boards just deal with different problems that come up because of this “growth” problem, but IMO the solutions are all the same.
I’ve posted some in the past on the MLC forum and unless they’ve made some sort of evolutionary leap over there, I can say all they want to do is point blame on the walk away spouse and give hugs to each other. Not much insight to be gleaned there. Newcomers seem to be just that, trying to figure out if they even have a problem they should be working on, much less what it might be.
One consistent theme I have noticed here is that everyone seems to believe divorce is the last option, and even then it may only be a necessary step for some folks to get a dose of reality before continuing on their learning path. The end result is usually the same anyway whether they can learn their lessons in a year or in 30 years. Apparently Lil and I were married in a past life and here we are still trying to get it right! (Well, I’m ahead of her since I’ve got a ten year jump on her this lifetime! Ha! ……. Here I go to post this and I see my previous “old lady” beats me to it again!)
… in my opinion some of the people who post here have different goals than the typical DBing goal.
I’m not sure what you mean by this? (Perhaps this is one example of how you can improve your communication skills…. review for statements like this that make an implied meaning, then clarify the meaning.)
What other goals do you mean? If it is some of the advice that I give, or perhaps what Nop is saying to Heather, then you need to keep in mind that DBing is a general idea, for mass consumption, that cannot fit every relationship mix. Each couple has its own unique problems, denials, defenses and vulnerabilities that might require a different twist on DBing.
Furthermore, I see DBing as just one approach of many toward achieving the same goal, which in my mind is to ALWAYS keep the relationship together. Only after both parties have reached the point where neither is willing to compromise anymore, or lower defenses any further, or face their inner fears, is divorce the next best thing. But even in those case, I still believe it is possible to keep the couple together, if they were willing to do the work. The ONLY situations where I think divorce is inevitable are with people who have a serious psychological disorder. Those people need to locked up in the funny farm anyway (maybe they end up locked away in prison.)
