Harmonic Divergence

[fearless]

The list is from the "Good Advice" thread on the "Wide advice from DBers" and is a synopsis of Michele Weiner-Davis' advice from her DB book. Can't take credit for Michele's advice:)

And for me the more fitting analogies would be that "not snooping" would be like "not looking on the internet and talking to the gal behind the desk at the local health food store" and "not asking your spouse directly" would be like "not going to the doctor".

Please carefully note that I have NEVER said anything about not asking LG's spouse directly if there was an affair going on.

I just have no experience with that issue so I haven't spoken about it. I happen to be one of the unlucky one's that didn't have any clue that an affair was going on along with no symptoms so I never even had a chance to think about asking directly. The dumb thing is that snooping was such a part of my psyche that I did snoop even though I wasn't snooping about an affair. i was snooping for information about my spouse. So the snooping didn't help expose the affair AND it made me much weaker due to my own issues.

And again I understand that this is a very old issue of mine and others may not have the same issue I did. My problem with snooping is that I couldn't stop because the feelings that caused me to snoop in the first place didn't stop when I didn't see anything in his wallet, on his cell phone, in his truck glove compartment, and so on and so forth. I ended up feeling like I was somewhat crazy which only perpetuated my feelings of insecurity which made me feel like my feelings were my fault instead of realizing that my boyfriends and later spouse were the ones not treating me well regardless of whether there was an affair or not. So to summarize, I snooped from an insecure vantage point and snooping only made me feel weaker and weaker.

If this situation is not similar to people here, just ignore my post and do what works for you. I guess I didn't realize that I was coming across so "instructively" and decisively because I intended to only write my own personal experience and advice.

I've thought that I've been annoyingly clear that all of my comments are merely my point of view which may or may not be applicable to certain circumstances.

I keep intending to just shut up because I think it's painfully obvious that I am not clear enough when I post.

And Cobra, it's not that I'm being sensitive because my issue is NOT that people disagree with me. In fact I appreciate having people challenge me. In fact, that is a way to grow - by questioning and reevaluating how you look at life.

The problem is that I don't feel that my comments are read in the context I've intended. And because it consistently happens with many people and not just any one person, I believe I have to see myself as the one not writing clearly and not that it is other's interpretations. Not that I'm beating myself up or anything, I just mean that in this case with these topics and this group of people, I just seem to not speak the "correct" language. I just feel that there is no point to insert my posts where they are just "wasting" space.