how to keep calm and patient??

[verycrazy]

I really enjoyed reading that, it gives hope for us all. It looks as though he weighed his answer so carefully for you.

L

[Jen_Jam]

Woo HOO!! IP!!!!
This is great news .... it won't be long before you get to the ML!!!
And a big WELL DONE for not pushign for the answer - I know you struggle to be patient, this was very VERY stong of you!!

[inpain]

it won't be long before you get to the ML!!!

Hope you're right Jen Jam getting a bit desparate here!!

And a big WELL DONE for not pushign for the answer - I know you struggle to be patient, this was very VERY stong of you!

Thank you. I am pleased that I waited for H to say something. I never normally do that - even the new me!

[inpain]

We were watching TV last night and I said I wanted H to be happy and in love. He said everyone wants that. A little later I said I'd prefer it if he was happy and in love with me. He said "I haven't said I'm not happy or that I don't love you." Aaaagh! He admitted he probably doesn't feel how I do about him and that he isn't "in love" with me. I cried and said I just want this whole nightmare to be over and to be truly happy for once in my life with nothing to worry about. I need to calm down. I said maybe I'm expecting too much wanting a H who loves and adores me and wanting to be happy. H said he didn't think I was expecting too much for long term just maybe too much for now. Could I ask what you think of this? Do you think I'm wasting my time looking for happiness with a man who feels like this?? Or do you think it sounds like he thinks he will be in love with me again one day and that is why he's here? I feel so confused and I don't want to ask any more questions of H.

To Jen Jam in particular as you are my point of reference as a raving success story and I can't find your thread where you were first reconciling... is this how it was with your H at first? I know from reading your posts that you and H are in love both of you again. Do you think it sounds like my H will get to feel like that again? He says he cares about me an awful lot but it isn't enough for me long term and I'm starting to feel that I'm getting too old to waste time like this if I'm not going to end up with the M I want (and deserve).

H has managed a brief proper kiss!! (very brief) On his way out the door of course. I think I've figured out that he tries these new things on his way out so he doesn't have to continue them or feel awkward after. Based on this theory I won't get another one for about a week because he's out the door before I get up on his current shift! I thought that once we'd kissed it would stir his feelings and things would move quicker - looks like I was wrong again. I cannot for the life of me understand why H is here with me when he obviously has a monumentally HUGE mental block about even kissing me. He promised we'll get there and that is good I know. I just don't understand what is driving him. I'm being driven by total love and desire for him. If he isn't feeling that what is driving him? Why does he want to settle for a second rate M??

[~Sol]

IP,

I understand what you are going through. I have a bit of a different sitch in that my W is showing all the right things in in a M - except being intimate. It's like she's afraid or not interested in ME all that much. It's frustrating, and it's driving my patience to the ground. I'm also trying to have a better M, but I feel I am doing all the work and W is not trying hard enough - and she's the one that cheated! So I also feel hurt and I'm starting to get resentful about having only half a M. I don't know why she would act like our M is OK, then not show anything when she's home at night. She works nights, and the 2 nights a week she's home she prefers to sleep.

It's been this way for 4 years. Maybe she's in a cold spell or she doesn't know if she really wants me anymore? I don't get her. I'm trying as best as I can, I'm willing to forgive her, I WANT to love her - so what's her deal?

Maybe this all takes more time than we'd like to admit? But I see that your H is trying, in his own way.

[inpain]

Oh my goodness Sol1696 - 4years!!!!!!!

I take my hat off to you - you are so very very patient.

My H too is doing all the other things right except intimacy but he didn't have an A just (I say just it was still a big deal) left me and S for 4 months. Anyway my H has actually said he is afraid that he won't feel right and it will ruin what we've built back up. Like you rightly say it is only half a M. To me that side of things is what makes your R with your spouse different and special from other R you have in life. It is very frustrating I know and I too am starting to resent all the things I am doingb when H says it is such a big deal just to kiss me. He acts like someone has a gun to his back. It is making me so miserable because I feel unattractive yet he says its not that. He has explained it all but it doesn't stop the hurt inside everytime I feel I want to do something and I know I'm "not allowed". Are you able to discuss with your wife what the problem is or is that a no go??

[Jen_Jam]

Hi IP

Oh yes...that old ILYBINILWY - how I grew to hate that phrase
Both of my threads on here are when we were reconciling....H moved out in on 5th Sept 2005 (the worst day of my life ever) and moved back in about 2 months later.
He said he loved me again in December, but I messed it all up by being angry (this was before I found the DR book and this site) so I got my second bomb at the end of March 2006.
H during that time didn't want a D but had no idea how to stay together.
It took from April 2006 to about October 2006 before I got ILY's. During that time I took care of myself first and foremost. My H had problems of his own, yes our R was bad but once I'd sorted that out (I mean, sorted MYSELF out) and he admitted that our R was "as it should be" then he still had his own problems.
Maybe it wouldn't hurt to ask H was his problems are? I mean in a caring way, careful how you approach him, put in it a waiver like "putting our M problems aside for a moment, how do YOU feel?" He may say he doesn't know, my H was like this for a LOOOONG time, if so accept he's in a bubble having problems communicating.

IP it's that old buddy patience again...what makes you happy in life that doesn't involve/depend on your H? Do that for a while...well, for months.

If you get the chance check out SDFoundGirl;s threads - she had to put a lot of her own feelings on hold for a long time, she is a model of GAL and detachment. Sh was a great inspiration to me.

[inpain]

Hi Jen Jam thank you for stopping by to help me again.

I've read SDFoundgirl's piecing thread as you suggest but I can't find any previous ones. She seems to be feeling like me but is more patient.

Why am I so useless at this?? I've read your thread over and over and know that you nearly became a WAS and I know where you are coming from. I am feeling like that every day at the minute. I really don't want to do this anymore - and it is all because of ML. Most other piecer's posts I've read they seem to be OK in this area. I think if there was a different problem left to resolve in my M but we were ML I could handle this a whole lot better. H says the thought doesn't make him cringe but the look on his face when he tries to go a bit further than he already is sure looks like he's cringing. When I had a similar problem after S was born all the thinking in the world didn't sort it I just ended up having to force myself to do things. H won't. I am so p@~@~@ off with this whole topic I just want to scream in his face (its OK I won't). I can feel myself losing respect for H, losing love for H and losing respect for myself. When H wasn't living here I felt attractive and knew I looked good. Now I don't feel attractive at all and I don't think I look good. Too many late nights and lack of sleep. If I don't stay up late I don't see H because of his shifts and then I'm up early in the morning for S while H sleeps away.

I am still doing my GAL things Jen, honestly I am they just aren't making me happy at the moment. Maybe I'm wierd but if I'm on my own I'm fine about not ML - if I'm in a R I'm not fine about not ML. That's the bottom line. I'm not happy in this R anymore and I don't think I can keep faking it until H makes it. Sorry I know this is all very negative but it is how I feel and I can't tell H can I? I'm seriously thinking of calling it quits because I've done the see how you feel after 48 hours thing and I still feel the same.

[Jen_Jam]

OK - ML is VERY important to you. I can understand that if you don't get it that it can make a person feel very unattractive.
OK - I have a few suggestions, but I hope others will chime in:
1. Get Michelle's book "the Sex Starved Marriage" if you haven't already - it may help, it certainly cant do any harm
2. Speak to H and tell him just how important ML is to you (in a calm, even voice) and ask if he'd consider ways of getting to a point where your SL is good - let him come up with some ideas first but check out relate, they offer Psycho Sexual Therapy which includes sensate stuff (more on their website)
3. ML with someone else - OK, not a serious suggestion but I put it there to illustrate that you will need to carry on the waiting game
4. Compromise with extra cuddles from H if he is amenable to this
5. Tell yourself that you are celibate for the time being, that H is a good friend but no more for now.

Gosh (((((IP))))) I really do feel for you. I'm not particularly HD, but when H used to reject me I felt very hurt, ugly, clumsy, a lot of negative things. I hope you can come through this, it would be a shame to throw away a M when maybe a couple of months of waiting in frustration would have been all it needed.

[~Sol]

Oh my goodness Sol1696 - 4years!!!!!!!

I take my hat off to you - you are so very very patient.

My H too is doing all the other things right except intimacy but he didn't have an A just (I say just it was still a big deal) left me and S for 4 months. Anyway my H has actually said he is afraid that he won't feel right and it will ruin what we've built back up. Like you rightly say it is only half a M. To me that side of things is what makes your R with your spouse different and special from other R you have in life. It is very frustrating I know and I too am starting to resent all the things I am doingb when H says it is such a big deal just to kiss me. He acts like someone has a gun to his back. It is making me so miserable because I feel unattractive yet he says its not that. He has explained it all but it doesn't stop the hurt inside everytime I feel I want to do something and I know I'm "not allowed". Are you able to discuss with your wife what the problem is or is that a no go??

It's not that we haven't ML for 4 years, it's the hot and cold spells during that time since she started working nights. We have ML, but recently her mind is somewhere "else", like she's thinking of "someone else". I would rather not ML at all if she is going to be doing this all the time. Our intimacy is gone since her A, and I feel that I only have half a W.

Last time we discussed it she pointed out that I was "impotent", and couldn't satisfier her. Well, I took care of that by making sure that our ML lasted longer and she got what she needed, so I killed THAT accusation. But even now, ML is on the back burner for her, and I so want to be physical with her!!!

All I want to do is love her, in every way.