YAY! This is the post I needed to read, after seeing so much sadness on the threads....but I think your post comes at a wonderful time, because it is the turn from sadness that we need....toward hope.
I am so happy and excited for you. I know that the year to come will be fulfilling with many moments of sincere joy.
You have come to such an important time....the time that you cease to wait (even if you don't have the D), and start to live again. It happens in small and large ways. You no longer wonder "what is he doing now." You start developing your single identity, and become whole in that.
Life is amazing. So much awaits. You are amazing, full of potential.
Keeping Your Eye on the Road Psalm 25:15 Have you ever tried to make a perfectly straight line of footprints in the snow? It's not as easy as you might think. Faced with the challenge, most people may tread slow and steady, heads down, focusing intensely at their feet. When someone attempts this task with their eyes cast downward, you can be sure they'll fail. The footprints will be crooked.
When you walk with your eyes on your feet, you have no idea where you're going. The experience is entirely self-centered. There's no perspective because you cannot see how you fit into the larger landscape. There's no genuine focus, since every step treads over the last step's focal point. You haven't imagined yourself as part of a bigger picture. So for all intents and purposes, you simply plod through the snow aimlessly.
The only way to make a straight line of footprints is to forget about your feet. The key is to look straight ahead and find a fence post, street sign, or tree off in the distance. Then, with your eyes fixed on that target, just start walking. If you've locked your focus on something outside of yourself, your path will be straight every time.
The same is true in our spiritual lives. If we walk through life concentrating inwardly, we'll fail to see the bigger picture and veer off course. But when we focus beyond ourselves and fix our thoughts and spiritual eyes on Jesus, we can trust that our paths will be straight and trustworthy every step of the way (Isaiah 26:3 NLT).
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
AS Usual - You guys are the best! I actually was not around yesterday after I posted cuz I figured I needed to do what I said I would do - NOT SIT IN A STUPOR! I have had amillion things to do for weeks - and am behind because I have been doing nothing. Yesterday I filled my day with getting much needed stuff done.
It's funny how things have changed in my life right now. I keep asking God to keep H away for a bit so I can be dark - even if just for a couple weeks. But Noooooooo..........that never happens. Every time I ask that (and I've asked it a lot - trust me) - H calls.
You mite wonder why I wish to be a little dark. I just think the "spark" of realizing maybe he doesn't really want to leave is kinda wearing off. Not that he's going anywhere. It's become routine...yet not at the same time. But I sense God telling me "Brue...I don't care what you wish about darkness...I want you to continue to be vulnerable and loving unconditionally no matter what." Unconditional love is tough guys! Sometimes I just don't want to.....not because I worry about how he'll feel about me......but because sometimes I really could care less about how I feel about him. You see what I'm saying? Now who's being tested about love? I think it's me!
But I am reminded of my own vows...that just because he chose to leave doesn't mean I can say "well H......you're right......I think I don't want to do this anymore either!" It's more of a trial of my commitment to my God more than my H. Cause frankly? sometimes this music stuff that he is going thru is so boring. Self-centeredness is very boring. You hear the same old story day after day after day. I want to say "hey......there's more to life ya know!" I don't even care if it's about me - but life should be about others besides "us". My H has a difficult with that view...tho he does give some effort now and then.
we were off to another boring music group to listen to (really, not very good - but we were doing it to do it) - when H said "I don't want to hear this group - they're not very good" - and did I want to go play cards with ex-wife and his daughter. Hell yeah!!! Why would we even have chosen to do otherwise if his daughter was in town? That's what I'm talkin' about here. Even his own kids do not take precedence and that's just plain stupid if you ask me. (for those of you who mite be new - his ex and I are fine friends and we all have a great time playing games together). So anyway.......we turned the car around and went and played and did something fun and not "all about him" for a change.
You see...I'm getting bored with playing this game.
But after reading all the posts you guys wrote back to me I have a glimmer that I can go on with my life and still give to him if I must. I think that's the key. Finding my place in this world and still accommodating his enough to know he has my undivided attention when he needs it. I think that's why God keeps saying "no" to the darkness thing. As I've said before - I'm very good at solitude - I love it - especially if I could choose that over "boredom". There are many things I would rather be doing than running around being a groupie! But that's part of what I have to learn in this process as well. I need to give up "me" as well.
Quote:
Maybe some or all of us feel too much pressure to make massive life changes just because we are free of our WASs. Maybe small, incremental change is healthier, and will lead to more successful and bigger change in the long run. Just a thought.
I really liked what you said here AH. Maybe I have been putting too much pressure on me and my stuporness. It is a grieving process and trying to relive and regroup is not an easy thing to do. Maybe this will be my new challenge for this new year. The first year was just plain survival without a spouse. The second year is to find me, figure out how to really make a living, and then juggle that with being a good wife to a husband who doesn't live with me but seems to want to keep me in his life.
For those who have followed my teeth problems. Remember all the advice you gave me about going to a school or something so my teeth could be worked on and it would be cheaper? Remember how I said that what I really wanted was a good dentist and not to pay for anything cuz I didn't want any rookies working in my mouth?
well...............a couple months ago I got a note in the mail from a dentist in our church (he is a friend as well) who said that some people had gotten money together and had given it to his office and to call him and talk about this. This is the dentist I had been wanting to try but knew I couldn't and I had heard he wasn't taking anymore patients. I called him on the phone and told him my mouth was a mess and I didn't want him to feel obligated.
long story short....i went in for a first checkup of xrays and impressions and whatever and he made a "plan" for me. We began the plan. He will follow this plan til he's done. He has fixed the original problems and is going way beyond that for a few more dental appts for other stuff.
My cost? nothing.....absolutely nothing.
I am so blessed.
brue
I'm alive, I'm happy - why shouldn't I tell the world I've got my head screwed back on just fine. Life is good for the Brue!
I drank a screw drive in honor of you last night, and i said a prayer, and I said thank you to God. Thank you for letting me meet you, and thank you for being in my life.
luv you to bits
“Pray as though everything depended on God. Work as though everything depended on you.”
Well how 'bout that Bill! I am actually a New Englander - tho I've now been in PA longer than I was in New Englander. I came here to college in 1970 and never left...
geeze louise........i'm getting old and I hate it!!!
I am in New Wilmington which is just about an hour and 10 minutes north of Pittsburgh. It's the boonies here somewhat even tho it is a little college town. There are several Amish in our area. Culture shock for me back in the 70's when you come from the Boston area. But I like small towns and rural areas!!! this place is right up my alley. I actually enjoying sitting on the lawn tractor and mowing the grass.
but i hate shoveling all the snow. now that hurts my back!!!
brue
I'm alive, I'm happy - why shouldn't I tell the world I've got my head screwed back on just fine. Life is good for the Brue!
That's cool Brue. My Mom and Dad are actually living in Fairview right now which is just west of Erie, so they're not too far from where you are it sounds like.
Small world, eh?
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I have an idea of where Fairview is - my first in-laws were from Erie. Very dear people (both passed away last year). Can't say that Erie was a favorite place to visit - but it was ok.
indeed it is a small world!!!
I'm alive, I'm happy - why shouldn't I tell the world I've got my head screwed back on just fine. Life is good for the Brue!
I'm glad you got to go play cards with exw and their daughter, that does sound like fun. Isn't it amazing how it worked; you thought the music sounded boring, but you were trying not to be self-centered, and voila, you got the play cards again. Talk about a testament to letting go...
