Harmonic Divergence

[fearless]

Hi Marc,

I'm so sorry to see you here. Those of us who have already gone through this can relate. And it's the kind of relating you wish you never had to do because it brings back the old feelings. At the same time what we have to offer is the view of how it looks from the other side. And there is an other side no matter which way things go for you.

So here is some "advice" both for you personally and for how to "use" the DB board. As always with advice, this is based on my own personal experience and my own opinions, so take with a grain of salt and at least consider how it relates to your goals and your own experience even if you don't follow any of it:)

First board use -

1) This might not be the best forum for you. The stories here are a bit different than those in the "Newcomers" and in "Infidelity, etc." and it can help to have people in the same frame of mind. Different opinions are great but a different state of mind can be a problem. See #1 in personal advice.

2) Decide what your state of mind is and what your goals are. Do you want your wife and marriage regardless of whether there is an OM? Are you willing to go through some personal pain and personal growth (there is an upside to this pain if you're willing to work) to get to a healthy marriage again? (There aren't any "right or wrong" answers. It's just good to know where you stand)

3) Also it's best to only post in one place so there is a clear story line for you and everyone else.


And for some personal advice.

1) Read Divorce Remedy and/or Divorce Busting ( I read Divorce busting myself) closely if keeping your marriage intact is your primary goal. Again no right or wrong just keep clear on your goal. My xH (so DBing didn't work exactly the way I had wanted but it did work for my personal mental health AND I think it potentially could have saved the marriage if I had found it earlier) had had an affair and was treating me pretty badly emotionally. If I had wanted, I had plenty of friends who would have been "aghast" (just poking at Black Foot:) but he's ignoring me) that I was putting up with such terrible treatment from my H. They would have rallied to my side and told me I didn't deserve such treatment, encouraged me to move on, "divorce the bum", etc. Not necessarily a "bad" thing or "wrong" advice but not the support I needed and wanted to get to my personal goal - keeping my marriage intact.

2) In my opinion (and in DBing principles), finding out whether there is an actual OM, physically or emotionally, is of no real use IF keeping the marriage intact is your main goal. It can drive you crazy and waste a lot of good energy. Plus your reaction to potential OM can create behaviors that make you look needy, weak, unsure of yourself, etc. Which are NOT good characteristics if you're trying to make yourself more attractive. Also if along the way you do find out there is an OM, you can actually "use" that to your advantage. Remember part of the attraction of the other person (OP) is how confident they are and how much fun they are, sometimes the dynamic switches along the way and the OP becomes the jealous and insecure one who is "spying" and clinging as the spouse makes the changes that reinvigorate the marriage.

3) Be careful with 180s. They are a great tool to reinvent yourself and to get back to the you that you love and that your wife loved. Don't guess at doing 180s that are specifically for your wife. Make them about what you want from yourself. Don't do them with the thought that you expect something from your wife - reaction, positive reinforcement, etc. Trust that she can see them even if she doesn't comment directly.

4) Check kml (Ellie) old threads on "Piecing" Forum. She is a success story and a great person also. Her H had an affair and yet their marriage has survived. They still have rough spots but remember her goal was to make the marriage last and be the best Ellie she could be and she's succeeded at both:)

5) Read the do's and Don'ts below.

MANDATORY DO'S WHEN DIVORCE BUSTING
1. Be patient. Time is an asset even when it seems to be killing you.
2. Listen carefully to what your spouse is REALLY saying to you.
3. Learn quickly that anger is your enemy
4. Learn quickly to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
5. Take care of yourself. Exercise, sleep, laugh, and focus on all the other chances in your life that are not in turmoil.
6. Be cool, strong, confident and speak softly.
7. Know that if you can do a 180, your smallest consistent actions will be noticed much more than ANY words you can say or write.
8. Read as much as you can on this subject

MANDATORY DON'T's WHEN DIVORCE BUSTING
1. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more then ever in your whole life and are desperate and needy.
2. Do not focus on your self when communicating with your spouse.
3. Do not believe any of what you hear and less then 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and they are scared.
4. Do not fall into the "green eggs and ham" trap. (see Dr. Seuss for clarity)
5. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
6. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.


Good Luck and Hang in there!!!!!!!!!!