It's time to pull out of the rut

[brueniap]

AS Usual -
You guys are the best! I actually was not around yesterday after I posted cuz I figured I needed to do what I said I would do - NOT SIT IN A STUPOR! I have had amillion things to do for weeks - and am behind because I have been doing nothing. Yesterday I filled my day with getting much needed stuff done.

It's funny how things have changed in my life right now. I keep asking God to keep H away for a bit so I can be dark - even if just for a couple weeks. But Noooooooo..........that never happens. Every time I ask that (and I've asked it a lot - trust me) - H calls.

You mite wonder why I wish to be a little dark. I just think the "spark" of realizing maybe he doesn't really want to leave is kinda wearing off. Not that he's going anywhere. It's become routine...yet not at the same time. But I sense God telling me "Brue...I don't care what you wish about darkness...I want you to continue to be vulnerable and loving unconditionally no matter what." Unconditional love is tough guys! Sometimes I just don't want to.....not because I worry about how he'll feel about me......but because sometimes I really could care less about how I feel about him. You see what I'm saying? Now who's being tested about love? I think it's me!

But I am reminded of my own vows...that just because he chose to leave doesn't mean I can say "well H......you're right......I think I don't want to do this anymore either!" It's more of a trial of my commitment to my God more than my H. Cause frankly? sometimes this music stuff that he is going thru is so boring. Self-centeredness is very boring. You hear the same old story day after day after day. I want to say "hey......there's more to life ya know!" I don't even care if it's about me - but life should be about others besides "us". My H has a difficult with that view...tho he does give some effort now and then.

we were off to another boring music group to listen to (really, not very good - but we were doing it to do it) - when H said "I don't want to hear this group - they're not very good" - and did I want to go play cards with ex-wife and his daughter. Hell yeah!!! Why would we even have chosen to do otherwise if his daughter was in town? That's what I'm talkin' about here. Even his own kids do not take precedence and that's just plain stupid if you ask me. (for those of you who mite be new - his ex and I are fine friends and we all have a great time playing games together). So anyway.......we turned the car around and went and played and did something fun and not "all about him" for a change.

You see...I'm getting bored with playing this game.

But after reading all the posts you guys wrote back to me I have a glimmer that I can go on with my life and still give to him if I must. I think that's the key. Finding my place in this world and still accommodating his enough to know he has my undivided attention when he needs it. I think that's why God keeps saying "no" to the darkness thing. As I've said before - I'm very good at solitude - I love it - especially if I could choose that over "boredom". There are many things I would rather be doing than running around being a groupie! But that's part of what I have to learn in this process as well. I need to give up "me" as well.

Maybe some or all of us feel too much pressure to make massive life changes just because we are free of our WASs. Maybe small, incremental change is healthier, and will lead to more successful and bigger change in the long run. Just a thought.

I really liked what you said here AH. Maybe I have been putting too much pressure on me and my stuporness. It is a grieving process and trying to relive and regroup is not an easy thing to do. Maybe this will be my new challenge for this new year. The first year was just plain survival without a spouse. The second year is to find me, figure out how to really make a living, and then juggle that with being a good wife to a husband who doesn't live with me but seems to want to keep me in his life.

For those who have followed my teeth problems. Remember all the advice you gave me about going to a school or something so my teeth could be worked on and it would be cheaper? Remember how I said that what I really wanted was a good dentist and not to pay for anything cuz I didn't want any rookies working in my mouth?

well...............a couple months ago I got a note in the mail from a dentist in our church (he is a friend as well) who said that some people had gotten money together and had given it to his office and to call him and talk about this. This is the dentist I had been wanting to try but knew I couldn't and I had heard he wasn't taking anymore patients. I called him on the phone and told him my mouth was a mess and I didn't want him to feel obligated.

long story short....i went in for a first checkup of xrays and impressions and whatever and he made a "plan" for me. We began the plan. He will follow this plan til he's done. He has fixed the original problems and is going way beyond that for a few more dental appts for other stuff.

My cost? nothing.....absolutely nothing.

I am so blessed.

brue