No, we cut you no slack. EVERY time you come to bed you should look like that centerfold. EVERY TIME! And you need to be READY!
YOUR period? What does that have to do with anything?? It is just an excuse after all.
All this emotional crap? What does that have to do with anything??
Okay. We are done. Welcome to piecing.
From a REAL MAN (and your H I hope):
Don’t ask is it okay how you look. Tell him what a ‘period’ really means even if you did before. What does he need to do during this time? Does he know? Educate.
No, communicate. Look him in the eye. Your H is normal. He does not understand. Educate him.
You do not ‘suck up’ anything. Sucking up means silence. Silence means no communication. No communication means ….
You were PISSED? Did he know it? If not, you were silent? Silence means no communication. No communication means ….
Are you scared as you say? Did you share your feeling with H? If not, were you were silent? Silence means no communication. No communication means ….
I know “I’ve changed, but H? …. How can I trust……” Is that in your control or his? Is trust an issue? Did you share? If not, were you were silent? Silence means no communication. No communication means ….
You are doing great girl. Piecing is so, so hard. Harder that I can ever understand. But many of us would trade to be in piecing in a minute………….
What I am suggesting is that sharing your feeling a little at a time is good. A little at a time – men are dense. We men are dense, very dense. Be patient and communicate.
Got to agree with Jeff - men are dense (sorry Jeff). They are loveable creatures but a little hard headed. It takes a fair amount of time for anything to sink in (anything thats of importance that is). Now if you want to know where he keeps spare nails he finds on the street, he can tell you that. Of course, this is from a man (my H) that doesn't have a clue (nor the care) as to actually knowing what to do with that nail.
H is finally starting to come around in the communication department (for today, tomorrow might be a different story)
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Got to agree with Jeff - men are dense (sorry Jeff). They are loveable creatures but a little hard headed. It takes a fair amount of time for anything to sink in (anything thats of importance that is). Now if you want to know where he keeps spare nails he finds on the street, he can tell you that. Of course, this is from a man (my H) that doesn't have a clue (nor the care) as to actually knowing what to do with that nail.
H is finally starting to come around in the communication department (for today, tomorrow might be a different story)
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
They are loveable creatures but a little hard headed. It takes a fair amount of time for anything to sink in (anything thats of importance that is). Now if you want to know where he keeps spare nails he finds on the street, he can tell you that. Of course, this is from a man (my H) that doesn't have a clue (nor the care) as to actually knowing what to do with that nail.
H is finally starting to come around in the communication department (for today, tomorrow might be a different story)
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Got to agree with Jeff - men are dense (sorry Jeff). They are loveable creatures but a little hard headed. It takes a fair amount of time for anything to sink in (anything thats of importance that is). Now if you want to know where he keeps spare nails he finds on the street, he can tell you that. Of course, this is from a man (my H) that doesn't have a clue (nor the care) as to actually knowing what to do with that nail.
H is finally starting to come around in the communication department (for today, tomorrow might be a different story)
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Yes, yes I *have* told him what I want. I've told him I'm scared, told him that for so long I had to focus on letting him work out his own crap that I didn't really have a chance to deal with any of this. My *only* real requirement for our R is honesty. I don't want to ever leave things unsaid; this is what KILLED our M before.
So to be fair, H is just confused, probably as confused as I was at the beginning of all of this. I'm willing to give him time...I just need a little understanding as I go through this.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
I just need a little understanding as I go through this.
Remember your early posts here? How you decided to do things for you? How you decided to detach from H and his drama? You did an excellent job of detaching.
Detaching means not letting our spouse affect our emotional well being. You did that and did that so well.
Remember you dancing around in your bedroom? Remember going out and having fun? Remember even the interest from other men?
Yes you were detached and you sounded good.
You are now piecing. You know, I don’t spend much time in this forum but from what I have read it appears that the focus shifts from the LBS doing the detachment and GAL to the LBS focusing back on the R again. I can see how easy that is. It is a trap of sorts.
No, this is not my 2x4 but please reread your posts on this latest thread. Where is your focus? Is it on you or H and the M? Your very first post: “we are on our way to building a fantastic M”. You talked of the OW. You beat yourself up for being ‘stupid’. You were in a funk about V-Day.
You did all the work last summer and now you feel it is H turn. But although he did notice your changes he is still slow on the uptake. So his actions are beginning to impact you again. That detachment rubber band is snapping back.
Don’t let it.
But it does take two to be in a R. H must do his part too. What can you do to facilitate that?
Keep the DB going. Go back to where you were before the holidays. Turn up the gain. You have mastered the drill: focus on you, let H be who he is, give him space, be happy for you, get your ‘understanding’ here on this BB. Share your feelings with him and focus on the positives. But be you for you.
An independent, self-confident woman with a touch of mystery is so attractive and so desirable.
H will notice and he will feel a bit threatened again (as he did before). Oh no, SHE is back! Will I lose her?
He will respond and make the effort if he cares. It seems that he does care but once the ‘storm’ of last summer blew over, he now feels ‘safe’ so maybe he is not trying as hard to meet your needs. And you may be communicating indirectly that you are ‘needing’ the R again.
All this sucks does it not? Or does it? Being an independent, self-confident woman with a touch of mystery who is so attractive and so desirable is a good thing is it not? Remember that your H is a desire, that is all. You don’t need him to be complete.
You already are complete. You will do fine. Look in the mirror girl – that should be your focus.
Jeff is right on the money here!!! it's SO important to remember that we don't NEED our S's, that our lives will NOT crumble to dust without them, we only want them in our lives. Also- I know how you feel when you intimate that it's "your" turn. Your turn for what? To dish out the unhappiness? No - I know you don't think like that. I went through a stage recently of that, like "hurrah H is back now we can have all those R talks and I can ask for what I want and he can make it up to me!!!". It doesn't work like that. I have been keeping the focus on me more, doing things I enjoy (ice skating Thursday, football match today) without H and it's felt good. I no longer "worry" over him, I trust him to come to me if he needs somethign from me, if he doesn't then I won't rush in and offer him anything. Don't know if I'm making much sense here...bear with me. OK - you need time and understanding. Let me rephrase that. You need patience and to set boundaries. Patience with yourself and with this situation, boundaries so if H does have a go at you for wearing you comfies you can state calmly and clearly "I am having my period and not feeling well. Wearing these helps me feel better. I'm sorry you don't like it." (or similar) ie putting to H that it's HIS problem. And remember how GOOD you felt when you were GAL? Your posts were SO uplifting to me, you were my GAL model, I used to think when I was out and about "what would SD do?" and it helped SO MUCH. So you know what makes you feel good - go and do it! I promise you WILL get through this, piecing is taking FAR longer that I first thought, I have given myself the rest of this year to feel odd, then will see how I feel in December and go from there.
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Ah...thanks Jeff & Jen. Yes, I do feel like it's my turn, and I sort of resent H for being all comfortable when he caused all this commotion in the first place. So, I'm back concentrating on ME again. H is in a funk b/c of his work, and instead of yelling, "Well then, DO something about it!" I'm just validating and staying out of it. It's not my job to fix his life.
We had a good weekend. We sort of celebrated V-Day-ish this weekend...went tooling around because it was so nice outside (80s instead of 60s!), watched the sun set over the ocean, had a very low key meal, watched a movie...low key. I just can't handle anything that conveys expectation or pressure; I'm just not in that place. It's the casual interactions that are working for me right now, and that's where I want to keep it. Nothing that smacks of contrived romanticism....ick!
So today I danced around the house in my undies as I have the day off. I'm getting ready to go get a special treat (chocolate croissant from a local whole foods bakery and coffee) then go get some work done. I love it in my classroom when it's quiet...I get a lot accomplished!
So, thanks again. I'm really thankful for outside opinions; I think sometimes we're just too close to the sitch to be able to be objective.
Back on the GAL/PMA train...
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
(sorry Jeff). They are loveable creatures but a little hard headed. It takes a fair amount of time for anything to sink in (anything thats of importance that is). Now if you want to know where he keeps spare nails he finds on the street, he can tell you that. Of course, this is from a man (my H) that doesn't have a clue (nor the care) as to actually knowing what to do with that nail.