I just got the book, Silent Sons, by Robert Ackerman that so many here have referenced. It's really an excellent book.
There are many sections in the book that I find extremely relevant, but I am noting one in particular as the title of my thread
Quote:
The Wounded Spirit - A boy's world is dominated by his family, and if the family is wounded, so is the boy. Each wound supresses the spirit and makes it quieter.
I am sad when I look at my H. I see him as spirit-less. He seems to lack any real joy or inner peace.
As I raise my kids, I am able to have a lot of empathy for their emotions, becuase I remember being a kid and the emotions that went along with it. I remember being so attached to my mom that I cried for her when I went to bed alone at night. My S4 is going through that now, and I am able to relate to him becuase I remember feeling that way. I remember what it felt like when my mom held me and comforted me when I was sick. So, I am able to do those things for my kids.
I don't believe H has recollections of any of that stuff. I don't think he remembers what it feels like to be comforted by his parents. If he did, he wouldn't claim to have never needed them. And for that reason, I think he has a lack of empathy for others. When my kids are sick, he kisses them and asks them how they're feeling, but he doesn't truely comfort them.
I have that childhood spirit still in me. I remember being a child. I see it all again in my children. H doesn't have that childhood spirit in him. Sure, he remembers being a child and talks about games he used to play and TV shows he liked growing up, but I don't think he remembers what it feels like to be vulnerable and in need of mommy and daddy.
I think a lot of that has stunted his ability to express certain emotions and feel certain things.
The thing that gets me, though, is that when I met H, he did seem to have those things. That's why I fell in love with him. He treated me like gold. He was a sensitive, caring, compassionate guy, at the age of 19. He had more spirit back then than he does now at 33.
