New here - W unwilling to work on it

[Go Fish]

We all slip. If giving her an apology will help you, then go ahead and say it just matter of factly and move on. We are human and its very hard to stay strong. Glad you are back on track

[Rosy_Times]

30, I saw a post from you on another thread and I'm hear to give you my similar experiences. First of all, don't pressure her to let you come back, now or for quite a while. She will not trust you. She needs so much time to learn to trust you. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE do not make this mistake! My H cheated on me with a girl at work while we were engaged. We broke it off for a few months while he figured out what he wanted but now, SEVEN YEARS LATER, while he still works with old OW, we are going through this again. He is telling me that there is nothing going on with OW but they are becoming partners and he doesn't want to live the rest of his life having to worry whether I can handle it or not and actually, I told him I can't because she has acted so inappropriately around him at recent functions. I know she still loves him and would/will take him back in a second. So, both H and I agree now that we never dealt with it right the first time, we didn't take enough time to deal with it and now its blown up in our faces again! So, please, no matter how much you think you are OVER OW, you probably aren't. You need time and space also to grieve that relationship; no matter how good or bad it was. At the same time, your W needs 1-2 years to gain trust back and she will need your constant reassurance and I MEAN CONSTANT! You can't get mad at her for asking questions or bringing it up. Please get some books on affairs and healing after. Please go the dearpeggy.com and read everything she has on there. Please learn from my mistakes! Good luck and if you can read my sitch and give me some insight, I would greatly appreciate it too!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...true#Post929180

Rosy

[30andLost]

Hello all! Time for me to catch you up...

I've had an interesting few days. On V-day, I did get my wife the 'friend' card with a 1-hour massage gift certificate in it and my inscription was "I hope this can take away some of the stress and agony I have so undeservedly caused you." Then just signed it with my name, no ILU or IMU stuff at all. The gift cert. has a place to put a "from" and I just wrote "Your friend, Brandon" She got it, and said thank you. I had to call her because I sent her an e-mail with all the different locations that she could use it at, and she got the e-mail before she saw the card. She sent me an e-mail asking what were the addresses for so I called her and told her where to look for the card. She was having a real bad day (bad days are when she thinks of all the pain I've caused her; good days are when she thinks theres hope for us). She did say thank you and that she could really use it. She tried to use it that night but no one had appointments open, so she scheduled herself for last night (thurs) and I picked up the boys and stayed with them while she went and got her massage.

So, early thurs. morning, I had a brief talk with her about some things. I always approach every talk we have from friend point of view and don't bring up R first. And if R is brought up, I just talk about the changes going on with me and my feelings, not probing her to make a decision or anything. I basically apologized for all the hurt I've cause her and she did tell me that she missed me V-day night. She missed her friend. She also said that she is finding herself again. All of this is good and supports my end-goal of being back together with her. I can't remember everything that was said but it felt so good, that I called her on my way to work. She was supposed to be at school with her phone off, but the instructor didn't start yet so her phone was still on and she answered. I told her she was supposed to have her phone off in class jokingly (just being the friend again) but I told her I couldn't tell her what I was calling for because I really thought I would get her voicemail. She said laughed and said ok, i'll hang up and you can leave me a VM. So I called back and asked her if I could hang out with her after her massage and help her with homework and watch grey's anatomy. She texted me back after she got the VM and said I could stay as a friend as long as there was no R talk. I agreed.

So, I was SOOO anxious! You can imagine this is the first time we have spent together for more than 30 minutes since I left. But overall, it went GOOD! I was able to keep it as friends and we had a good time. I was nerve-racking for us both at first but we settled into it and it went well. We did have some R talk but again, she brought it up, and I only talked about the changes in me that would prevent me from ever hurting her again, whether or not I ever got a chance to. We talked about her new tattoo (that covered my name). I didn't react with insecurity or anger. She showed me the club that she is going to in San Fran this weekend with her girlfriends. That part was hard but I kept it together like a champ and just said how cool it looked and that I was sure she'd have a lot of fun. So before I left, I started getting slippery with the R talk and future talk but I stopped myself and let her know I knew I was getting out of control. I said "I should go now before I keep talking." She giggled and I left.

Then this morning she called to tell me about the car. We (she) have a brand new 2007 Accord w/ leather that had a defect in the leather in the back seat. So after she told me about what went on at the dealer, I told her that one thing I never did in our M was ask for what I wanted, I just took it or forced it out of her or in the worst case, got it from somewhere else. So I asked her if I could call her sometimes just to talk. She basically said yes and that I've been doing a good job giving her her space and not to read too much into anything she says and she even joked about sex and that she is getting to know her friend (me) again and to just take things one day at a time while we work through this. She even said that she is not hating me as much but friends is all she can handle right now. The M is still too far away to even contimplate. That's ok with me because 43 days ago, she wanted a D and nothing to do with me. PATIENCE is KEY!

Anyways, I just have to remember to be patient and not push when I feel there's hope. Because I can quickly undo all the progress I've made if I push and crowd her. Pray for me for strength to keep on my path.

I love you all.

B.

[Rosy_Times]

B, (that is my new name for you; I like it better than 30) this all sounds so promising! The fact that you recognized when you were getting ahead of yourself and stopped it and the fact that your discussion with her was pretty light and more friendly than anything. Isn't it great walking away from talks like that knowing that you two can do it with a little effort? Its so much better than arguing and yelling and more constructive. If we could all just communicate like that, I don't think we would ever end up here.
Anyways, I'm pretty excited for you! Friendship is the keystone back to that path of happiness! Keep up the great work!
ps. was her trusting you ever brought up?

[30andLost]

I don't remember trust ever being brought up. I really tried to avoid any R talk which trust is part of. I know she doesn't trust me and she won't for a while. If it was brought up it was more me saying stuff like "I know you can't believe me right now..." and then she would just agree or not respond.

Thanks for the reassurance!

B

[30andLost]

Hey guys, Just wanted to journal here and look for some support too.

So this weekend was pretty rough for me. I have been feeling SO lonely lately. My W has been going out with her single friends, going to bars and clubs while I haven't been able to do any of this. Mostly because all of my friends are married and can't or don't want to do any of these things. I can't exactly go to a bar or club by myself! I'm not quite there yet anyways.

I would love to go out but I just can't seem to find any friends my age to go out with. I am trying to go out with some friends on Mar 10, but they are married and have to see if their schedules are free. If it works out, it should be fun. At least a stinkin break from my loneliness!

So, I was/am so lonely, that I prayed to God for a friend whom I could do these things with. I asked him to put someone in my life that I could enjoy life with. He answered my prayer, but not according to my will, but according to his. I went to church Saturday night and was feeling really disconnected, just wasn't feeling it at all. When I got home, I received an e-mail from one of my closest married friends, and it was about God and lifes troubles of all things. This is particularly strange because this friend shares the same view of God that I once did, basically that he didn't exist. The e-mail was from an interview with Rick Warren and in it he talked about getting through lifes troubles with help from God. The one sentenced that pierced my heart was this, "God cares more about your character than your comfort."

This hit home for me because as lonely and as riddled with pain that I am right now, I have to believe that God is building in my character the ability to be ok with me. He doesn't want me to seek out friends or clubs or bars to make me feel whole. He wants me to be ok with myself. To be ok making me happy all of the time, because I am the only one that I will always be able to depend on to make myself happy.

Throughout my Love Addiction I constantly looked to others to make me happy. I needed their constant attention in order to feel whole and happy. I demanded and used so much of their attention that I drove them away from me. This cannot happen in my future. I will only continue to cause the thing I fear the most, which is being abandoned and alone.

So in this way, God is building in my character the ability to be ok with me, so that I will not be a burden to others that I love in my life, only to fill my own emptiness.

This leads me to today, where I was still feeling so alone and hopeless with my M and situation. I was going to ask my W if we could talk about us. Big DBing no-no. I prayed to God for strength, and through praying to Him, I realized what I was actually doing.

What I was attempting, or wanting, to do, was to have my W fill my emptiness with hope. I was going to ask her where she thought we were, so that I could get reassurances from her to make me feel better. This would have been bad. My will has caused my current pain. I chose to go outside of our marriage to fill the emptiness and abandonment that I felt within, and I need to bear the emotional consequences of those actions. I need to make me feel ok, because I have never taken responsibility for that in the past. I need to stop asking others in my life to appease my insecurities, because they are mine to deal with, especially not my W's. She has asked me for space and time and to avoid future or R talk entirely. I need to respect this. I cannot ever again ignore her requests and her needs, only to satisfy myself and my own insecurities and feelings of emptiness.

Though this is a great realization for myself and my progress to sanity, it does not remove the pain entirely. It puts the pain in perspective, but it does not take it away. The pain is a tool that I believe God is using, to keep me focused on what I must do. I must learn to be ok with myself, alone, with no one to boost me up by me and God. This is hard. I've spent 25 years constantly seeking the affection and approval of others to fill me up and make me feel worthy and happy. I know this will not be a quick fix, just as the pain I have caused my W will not be fixed quickly.

PATIENCE is the key. It is hard to hold onto sometimes but I have not slipped. I have wanted too, BAD. But I have been able to control my emotions, and take ownership of them. Lonliness is another emotion that I have to control. I believe it is the last one, and most painful one that I have to address, but it is essential to my recovery and my future ability to maintain a healthy relationship with another, be it with my W or not.

I have made progress on my control issues, my lust issues, and I have only begun to enter into the work I need to do on my lonliness and fears of abandonment. Again, this work will be hard, but I look to all of you for support and reassurances that this pain will end. Maybe not this week, this month, but soon, and it will be worth the work I've done and the pain I've endured.

Thanks for listening and helping and supporting where you can.

B

[Rosy_Times]

30, that is some great soul searching you have done. Yes, I think patience is the hardest thing for us to go through right now but we learn alot from it. I don't think I will ever rush anything ever again!

Your discription of love addiction makes me wonder if that is one of my H's issues. He said to me a few times the week he left that he thought "he had a sickness" and that if he hadn't left, he would have cheated on me, etc.

Keep up the great work. So, what has the contact been between you and W lately?
If you need to email me or call me, let me know and I'll provide info. I'm totally up for talking. Chaflo called me yesterday and it couldn't have been at a better time. I think it helps to talk on the phone too; to hear a voice instead of reading all the time.

[30andLost]

Rosy,

I tried to PM you but I got an error saying you are over your private topic limit? Not sure how to exchange contact info without it going global to these boards. Any ideas?

[Rosy_Times]

I tried to pm you last week and it told me the same thing.
hmmm, let me check on it and I'll get back to ya.

[Rosy_Times]

B, I put my email address in my profile so let me know if you don't see it.