Does that relate to my letter at all? I mean, are you saying that perhaps your ex was attempting the same thing, but you weren't buying it
Yes and no. Yes, because all the emotional triggers and reactions are exactly the same. Stig is going thru pretty much the exact same process as me just delayed a few months because his start time was later. I read Burgs sitch and see he had all the same emotions. The outline is always the same. No, becuase you arent x, and Im not your H. She was throwing me tons of woman code, in addition to saying one thing while doing the opposite with her actions. Thats not radical honesty. She was trying to get me to understand something that she had no ability to explain.
Did she ever tell you about OM at all, or clue you in that there were problems? When you say she made a choice, do you mean she made the choice by sleeping with him?
No she never mentioned OM. Why would she say anything to me, when she couldnt admit it to herself? What was she going to tell me, when she didnt know why she felt, she just felt and reacted?
She made a choice long before she ever slept with him. She made a choice when betrrayed herself, and instead of owning what she wanted (OM-- ex. 'yes I want OM. I want a D. We had fun, but your not enough/unable to fill my needs. Goodbye.' Thats congruent.) she choose to be abusive and try to make it my fault for her actions.
Of course she clued me into the fact that there were problems before hand. All women do. Always. Thats there job. A womans biological job is nurturer, helper, companion. Its NOT a secondary position. Its equally as important. But the innate ability that allows a woman to see 1. a good for her mate 2. what he needs to work on so that he is not just good but great
--is exactly the same thing that causes her to fixate on the negative. be icked by the weakness. Does she control it and prove that 'behind every great man is a great woman', or does it control her?
Thats what women do and I simultaneously love them for that and become stressed by it. When we both have crashing insecurities, I dont always have the resources to fix it on her time frame. Likewise she isnt going to have the resources to be 'attracted' to me.
When you are fighting with your woman, you dont have to respond, you should Never react. But you have to listen, and you have to reflect and determine what is her real complaint.
Good luck with that by the way, guys. Its usually not the specifics, it your underlying behavior that led to the specific complaint. You dont have to address it verbally. Make a small change and see if it gets a favorable reaction. 180's. baby step it.
What I had was a goal and a plan.
Sort of winning her back? I mean, without changing who you are, was making yourself as attractive to her as possible your goal?
No. winning her back is seeking. If she didnt want me, she wouldnt be so affected by me. I allready won her or she wouldnt be confused by her A. All I had to do was stop my 'do nothing' behavior and start treating her like my W again. I didnt even have to address any of her valid issues, because she just wanted somone strong and decisive enough to lead her out of the mess.
My Goal was to take responsibility for what I did wrong, and my plan was to do what works. I had cut her off completely, and she called (and called and called) for a meeting to arrange financial stuff for the D. (There was nothing to arrange. It was bogus.) We met at a bookstore and she fell apart emotionally, and gave me the Im not sure spiel. No sh!t. Thats why we were getting a D, cause she didnt know what she wanted. It was not my fault-- at all-- that she didnt know what she wanted. It was not my responsibility, I had given her the most powerful thing. Choice. I was angry. I went over to the R section saying something about 'Im sure the answer is in here'.[sarcasm] I held in contempt every R book I had ever perused prior to this. She knew that. IMO, the ones I had read dont know sh!t about attraction, couldnt explain what OM did, or what Nops is capable of, and used to do when he was younger, or why it works.
I saw one that said DR. on it and grabbed it. Lets see what smarty pants has to say. Opened it up and sped-read an essay on how a man has to let his W into every room in his house so she can feel connected to him. I got it. Even thought my beliefs prior to that were closer to differentiation, oedipus, I understood what he meant. Damn. I never did that. In fact I actively made sure of the opposite. Looked at her --looked at the book and said, 'this is crazy, your crazy and I refuse to be a part of the insanity' put it back and left.
4 months Prior to this our MC (who we went to 1x) had given me/us MWD DB book. She implored me to read it. the day after MC, when x told me and the MC that she wanted the M to work and the OM was done (cause the MC wouldnt work with us otherwise) x contacted OM. That was the first time I ever lost my temper with a woman. lying calculating deceitful. Tore the DB book into confetti, threw our wedding pictures across the living room, and then when she went to tell OM it was over...again... right after that.. I lost my temper again when I went over and got her 2 hours later... Thats when I was done with her/with the M/ with me. I dont lose my temper. It doesnt happen --unless its controlled. It dont bother me losing my mind, as long as I choose when/where/howlong. being out of control and losing my mind.... barf. I went back to cali --she followed me --her choice.
I ruminated on the essay for a while, went back bought the book. ruminated some more. Sucked it up. My Goal was to take responsibility for what I did wrong, fix my M, and my plan was to do everything I knew that works.
I stayed through the bad. It was the indifferent that got me. Because people get over being mad, they get over hurts and transgressions. But when someone becomes so comfortable in a state of indifference, that's where I lose hope, kwim?
Yes I most certainly do. Thank you for rephrasing it and reaffirming it. When I say bad though, I mean bad. The night I vented on x, I couldnt stop myself, but ... its the worst beating Ive ever given anyone. And it came right when she made herself open and vulnerable again. When I first came here some of the ladies were empathatic to my pain. I guarantee if they had seen me that night those same ladies would have drawn and quartered me. I felt so ..... relieved afterwards though. Purged. I was done. Spent. I didnt expect her to put up with my crap, I dont believe in being disrespectful or hurtful. That not a boundary. Thats retailiatory, and demonstrates that your boundaries have been breached. I like to think of myself as imperturbable. HAHAHA. oh well. She got to me.
Even though she left the next day, she clung to me in bed that whole night after it was over. I let her, and held her hand, and when she left the next day I helped her carry out the little bit she had. We had never unpacked from the move from Tex. I wouldnt allow it untill I knew where we stood. I was going to let it chill for a month or so, and then go thru the process, again, to put things back together. Like I said I felt great. I knew she was justifiable pissed. Two weeks later I found out she was back in contact with OM.
Sigh. I guess I expected him to eventually forgive me or accept that he could not and let me go. Silly girl.
Listen to Corri. NO ONE can forgive you, but you. Untill you give it to yourself, you wont be able to accept it from anyone else. Untill you give it to yourself, you wont be able to implement boundaries. Untill you give it to yourself, you wont be able to treat yourself with the respect and dignity you deserve and allow yourself to earn good things.
I hear what you are saying though. x wanted me to say I forgave her several times too. I wouldnt do it. I gave her some of the same reasons as above, but I also like to use correct pyschology to justify my being an Ahole and hold people at a good distance. That was her reason for filing for the D. She thought I would never forgive her. I know that she was telling everyone else that the D is not what she wanted. Im not comparing you to x, because she escalated to a PA. Inmybook, thats nullifies everything. Whatever you believe will be.
Burgbud.... chocolate chip....or oatmeal?
I dont see where Cobra was being mean... I do see where what he is suggesting to Heather is not realistic. Heather needs her space, so she can take care of herself, she needs to receive some love and attention, and she needs to protect her legal rights to her children. I personally wouldnt let anyone or anything risk that.
