Still in the fight

[81388*]

TO and Muddle;
Thank you. My fear is not only the loss of my spouse, but injury to her as well. Additionally, it is the loss of my family.

Sorry just a down day, thought stopping right now.

What I really need is/are ideas for GAL, I know that sounds weird, but I enjoy my work, go to the gym on a regular basis, am involved in projects around the house, active in professional committee work, active at church, have always been involved with the kids and their lives, enjoy reading and do so often, go out to dinner w/ friends, have reconnected with some family and friends, but other than the reconnection, I already did all of that.

One of the few things my W has said is that she wanted someone she could share her whole life with, not just part of it, and that we never spend time together just us. Unfortnately she is right about that part. I don't see how GAL on my own won't reinforce the thought that even now I will/am do my own thing. At the same time, attempts to do things together get shot down with the exception of some rare times with the two of us and the kids.

Now she has started a new job and does not get home until after 7 PM 4 days a week.

Like I said, just a down day, went to start her car this AM and couldn't miss fed-ex box from OM, V day present. She was off today and going to visit some friends wearing clothes from OM, got home late last night and couldn't come in for 10-15 min because she was talking to OM.

Can anyone spell DETACHMENT, I can't seem to figure it out.

[81388*]

came home tonight, things were going pretty well, a 180 that got her attention, but then the wheels started to come off.

I had told W earlier in the week that we had overdrawn, and paycheck was going to cover it , but not to use the debit card or checks, put it on the CC.

I had been working on the home computers for awhile, and tonight came home with a wireless router(~38.00) From the moment I went to hook it up, I could tell she was stewing about something, then she asked how much it cost, and said that she thought we didn't have any money.

I calmly appologised for not talking to her about it ahead of time, and explained that I was not worried about CC, only Checking account. I said I thought we should sit down and talk about it and her reply was there are lots of things we need to talk about, and the whole problem in our relationship was a lack of communication, "DUH"(her words)

I told her I was sorry, and I could see how she felt that way, but that communication was a two way street, and I felt all alone, like I didn't have any help. She said if I wanted her to get a job, I could have asked, and that she had tried to get work. I told her that I know she had tried and I was just as upset when it didn't work out but not for the same reasons. I told her I wanted her to go back to work because it is what she wanted to do, not because I wanted her to.

I did not raise my voice, or contradict her. She started to cry and then left and drove away.

DO I CALL HER? I want to let her know I am concerned, but I don't want to seem clingy.

Let me know.

[ford]

heyya 81

can you think of anything to say that might smooth this over?

my vote would go to letting it go.

recharge, and carry on.

[whatisis]

Why would you call 8? What would the purpose be? That is the key here. To know why you are doing what you are doing. Will it help the R if you call? If so, do it! I think what you missed in all this (and I've done the same) was the opening for some real discussion about communication. You got defensive rather than validated her concern (again, been there). "Wow, communication certainly is a valid concern, how do we improve on it? Let's discuss it and work on it together!" Instead you defended yourself (again, understandably). Will your "error" have much affect on the sitch? Probably not. Will there be other opportunities? Yup. Even here you can approach her and tell her you have been thinking about what she said and agree communication would be a great thing to improve, let's do it! I've certainly kicked myself when those opportunities slip away, or actually I shove them away, because I've pridefully believed I HAD TO state my side. It doesn't work. Learn from this and carry on, my friend!

[81388*]

Ford, Whatis;
Thanks for the rapid response team. I was really caught by surprise. She has not said word one for almost 3 months about relationship, marriage, communication,etc.

I should have seen it coming though, she was back to wearing very obvious reminder of OM, and had asked about filling out w4 re: kids and D and taxes.

She had been pushing all the buttons, none of which got me to bite. But she sucker punched with the whole spending thing, drew me in, and before I knew what hit me, I was defending my behavior. I tried really hard, kept pulling back and saying "I can see why you feel that way", or "I am sorry that is how you see it, I certainly didn't mean for you to".

She jumped right in though, you have to remember, she is still not giving any indication that she might even be tilting towards working on anything.

I have learned though.

My wife feels that we don't communicate well.

My wife feels as though I take her for granted.

My wife feels guilty because she has not contributed financially to the household.

My wife feels that I have held CC purchases against her, or she feels guilty for that behavior in herself.(We have tried over the last 2 years to become debt free. I thought we were on the same page, more money available to do the things we wanted to do, not have to work as hard and have more time with W and family,etc)

My wife felt betrayed by my behavior, I had harped on CC use and then turn around and did the same damn thing.(BTW, I did think it was a bit of a 180, let her know I wasn't so inflexable on the whole CC thing- she has struggled with it in the past.)

I will not call, but how do I follow up on it?

[81388*]

Wife may also feel guilty that current sitch has contributed to more CC debt that we have worked so hard to get rid of.

[81388*]

I just had the realization that I "should" want to call her, but a big part of me does not want to.

I am worried about her, I still love her, the weather is bad out(again!), but she is a big girl and can take care of herself. The discussion was nothing more than what most people would talk about over dinner, except for the whole why we are getting divorced thing She is upset and needs some space, why in the world would I call her?

She drove away, surely she can find her way home if she wants to.

This is a HUGE 180.

[81388*]

It may be a huge 180, but it is killing me.

[81388*]

OK, I posted like 30 sec ago, and I have thought about calling her 5 times. WTF, I need to get a life.

[81388*]

come on guys and gals, jump in here. I know it is Fri night and you all are busy with GAL, but don't leave a brother hangin.