if you "ask" a woman to be sexual she might say "yes" with a part of her that is better, more whole, than just her "bottom" instinct. But it takes a strong man to risk hearing "no" in that way.
Oh. My. God. I must be the freakin' strongest Hercules here. I am the Hulk Hogan of SSM Land. Tremble before me, all you puny weaklings!
(I actually get what you're saying. It just doesn't seem to work with Ms.Hdog.)
Cemar, I think you have a point. For sure, HD men have a harder row to hoe than HD women because we do not have gobs of testosterone freaking up our resolve to act a certain way or achieve this or that goal. It's quite easy for a woman to say, "Distract yourself" blah blah but the reality is that this is no more possible than it is for a man to tell a woman not to be hormonal during That Time.
So, I guess it gets you off the hook as far as your semi-regular episodes of passively psychotic behavior but it doesn't get you off the hook for being too chicken to force changes in your M. Now, don't give me that baloney about the LD controlling the M and all that...just don't.
Understand that, as the man, you have a harder job than your wife does and accept it and step up to the plate. Be willing to channel your sexual frustrations into overturning your non-confrontational instincts and then report back to us.
Cac, Have you ever read anything written by priests about the sublimation of their sex drive? I used to think as you do--and still struggle with it--but I've since read things written by priests about this very subject and it was enlightening to say the least. I was most surprised by the idea that these are just regular guys, regular joes, and not naturally LD. They just felt the calling that strongly. Say, aren't you the guy who had to give up his passion for flying? Well, if so, imagine that I told you that you could fly all you wanted to but could never be with a woman again. What would you choose? Well, the answer is irrelevant but I hope you get my drift..
I kinda disagree. I like the part where a woman can say "yes" with a part of her that is better and more whole than just her bottom instinct. I suspect, though, that just as there aren't that many guys with what I'll call the "masculine energy" of blackfoot, there aren't that many women ready to say "yes" with that better and more whole part.
What I've seen is that the woman is often anxious the next morning. Will the man even be able to look at her, much less accept her? Over the course of time, after continual acceptance of her for the way she wants to be, she begins to believe that not only is she accepted but even loved and desired for that part of herself she wants to give. Then she's capable of saying "yes" from that better, more whole place.
The same thing is true of men trying out their "masculine energy" for what's probably the first time.
I personally think getting rejected for "telling" is tougher to take than getting rejected for "asking", because asking is practically inviting a "no". "Telling" puts a lot more at risk.
OTOH, as we all know, if a HDM in any way tries to placate a woman in an attempt to get sex he is doomed to failure because he is acting too much like a "bottom".
I disagree. Women are pretty forgiving as long as they still see at least the potential for receiving "masculine energy" from their man. Maybe not LD women who have their guard up, but women in general.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
So give me a specific example of a trick a guy might use.
Well, I want to say it's not what he does but how he does it but I know you will accuse me of deflecting.-LOL.
A slightly more specific answer might be anything that Jack Nicholson does. His entire personality is "top".
Specific example from my own life might be the time I was at a party playing cards with some friends. A man I knew only slightly was seated next to me at the table. He took my hand under the table and held it gently but firmly like you might hold the hand of a child crossing the street. He didn't touch me in any other way but he proceeded to intermittently throughout the game whisper in my ear just exactly what he was going to do to me later.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
If a guy does something like this and it feels like a tactic or a trick to me, it is a turn-off. Is that what you mean? I don't like a guy "using" something that I feel like he saw in a movie some time in the last week.
This would only be a turn-off with a guy you didn't know very well-- a new guy. If your long-time partner did this, it would very much BE a turn-on.
I've kind of lost the point of this whole train of thought...
The only movie I ever thought Jack Nicholson was sexy in was "Reds" where he played Eugene O'Neill. Pure masculine energy. His part is small but mighty.
His recent movies where he's been cranky and quirky-- yuck! "As Good As It Gets"?-- double yuck. (And it's not about his age.)
What I've seen is that the woman is often anxious the next morning. Will the man even be able to look at her, much less accept her? Over the course of time, after continual acceptance of her for the way she wants to be, she begins to believe that not only is she accepted but even loved and desired for that part of herself she wants to give. Then she's capable of saying "yes" from that better, more whole place.
I'm only going to disagree with you a little bit. I think what you are saying is that even women who want to own their own sexuality still feel compelled to ask permission to own it. I'm certain I've given off that vibe myself but it does vary. I have a vivid memory of being 21 and walking home barefoot in a little white dress down the city streets early one summer morning after a casual sexual encounter just humming to myself with satisfaction. A woman can only freely, generously give that part of her sexuality which she does own herself. Of course, a woman who owns her own sexuality is scarey as h*ll to most men because she can choose to give it to whomever she wants. The point I am trying to make is that a woman who owns her own sexuality is actually more responsible as a sexual partner in the same way that a person who owns their own home is more responsible than a renter. People always care for things they own and value and sexuality is no exception.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Feeling that ownership after a casual sexual encounter is a lot easier than feeling it day after day in a long term R... through arguments, illnesses, dirty underwear, tantrums, ED episodes, weight gains, and the other hazards of being with anyone for a long period of time.
Sure when you give it one time or a few times to a guy, you feel certain of your ownership... but do you still feel that certainty after years with the same guy? Especially if he starts to feel "entitled" to it. (I realize that's not the problem in your sitch, but it is in some here.)
It's like if you loan your lawnmower to your neighbor a time or two, you know it's still yours. But if it sits unused in his garage year after year, whose is it really? (Okay, bad analogy.)
It's like if you loan your lawnmower to your neighbor a time or two, you know it's still yours. But if it sits unused in his garage year after year, whose is it really? (Okay, bad analogy.)
No, Good analogy Lil. I can feel the analogy, Hairdog too most likely.
t's like if you loan your lawnmower to your neighbor a time or two, you know it's still yours. But if it sits unused in his garage year after year, whose is it really? (Okay, bad analogy.)
It's yours again as soon as you exercise your will to claim it. Now, I've been HD my whole sexual life but lately I've been relatively LD and depressed about it and I had to ask myself why? The answer is that I gave up ownership of my sexuality. I gave it up because I felt guilty about being a HD woman. However, I've realized that what I really should have felt guilty about is being angry at my husband for being LD relative to me. That anger represented my desire to own his sexuality and that desire was bad and wrong. My desire to own my own HD sexuality is right and good. I know it is because it brings me deep joy. OTOH,trying to own my H's sexuality brought me only strife and sorrow.
My jingle is back only it's more like a huge gonging bell. Before I posted my vision of myself as a woman in the field, I had a memory of myself at about age 11 or 12 on the verge of puberty. It was a summer evening and I was in my baby sister's sandbox. I took off most of my clothing and covered myself with wet sand. As I did this I was conscious of the fact that it might be the last time that I would feel so childishly free with my body. That memory is a bead on the string that represents my sexuality which will always belong to me. When a man gifts me with his sexuality, it's like I take a bead off this chain and offer it in exchange and my sexuality becomes a bit of a charm bracelet with all the tokens that men have given me since one first held my hand in 5th Grade but the string and the beads are always mine. I will keep on adding beads even if I never have sex with a man again.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
