I think thoughout the process (DB'g and even early piecing - if that is what you are doing), the rule still needs to be, believe NONE of what you see and only about 1/2 of what you hear.
I also think that our WAS's have an undeniable ability to repress a lot of anger over time. Haven't they been the one's not understood, loved, etc. Or, said another way, don't they FEEL that way.
It is important through the process to start showing real understanding. By that, I mean listening and validating that you heard what is being sent. If your W is anything like was, she doesn't trust you. Mine NEVER had my ear for more than a couple minutes for years in our R. During our separation, on nights I was bringing back my boys, I'd let her vent (about whatever). I'd eliminate any distractions (TV, whatever), make eye contact, face her, and listen. I'd NEVER offer a solution (unless directly asked) or defend something I did that led to our separation. It was great practice and something I still do today. Now, I'm not saying be a wuss if she is attacking YOU as a person - I expect DIGNITY and RESPECT. However, if she is spilling how things made her feel, I completely validated her feeling.
I really buy into some of the stuff you get from Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus (Gray)and another book called For Men Only (Feldhahn). I have found that the MOST important thing for my W is for her to feel, somehow CONNECTED to me - when the balance of connection shifts, even now, I can sense her fear. It took me MONTHS of making this connection to get her to the point where she trusts me. Also note, I started asking open ended questions, then I would ask her to explain it to me (as if I were a 5 year old). Very powerful - and great for me as I got "re-aquainted" with someone that had been telling me yes and now only for years.
I ALSO worked hard to understand what about my W's upbringing "made" her what she is today. As an child of divorced parents and an adult child of an alcoholic (ACOA), trust issues (unkept promises) are prevelant. I don't know your W's background so you might want to tell us a little bit about that, but repressed anger in my mind is triggered by something in the past as a survival mechanism. I know it was for my W. She started to ball when in an MC session the C in essence framed a picture of my W, running to the corner store just to get away from her drunk parent - there it was safe and eventually she could go home knowing her parent was passed out and would stop yelling at her, disappointing her, etc. It rips your heart out, but it gets you to understanding why you spouse has been surpressing anger and disappointment - it is safer than the alternative perhaps, and they have not other outlet.
Soooooooooooooooooo, this was a big ass tangent and may not be applicable but I really did find that for me to make real progress I first needed to get myself health, GAL and become the person *I* wanted to be. And one element of that was improving my listening/understanding skills with all people - which has had great impacts on all my relationships - especially the most important ones to me - my W and my kids.
I'll make one other note here. All of the above happened AFTER I accepted that my marriage was over - that I was getting divorced. I put all the anger and bitterness in me BEHIND me - trust me really hard to swallow but I figured that to do anything less would only impede my progress. I was then FREE to make whatever type of relationship with my W that I wanted - at the time, simply a friend and that was good enough for me. Last thing I wanted was for my kids to have to live through two divorced parents at each other all the time. So, I treated her like a friend. I DIDN'T bring up history, or start R talks. I'd help when I could help (not always, that is part of letting them stand on their own and part of GAL).
I really think you need to be patient and keep working on you. Her demons are your demons. This takes time.
It can be done. My W was about as "DONE" and angry as the best of them out there and we've been able to find out way back to each other. Like I posted on GH's thread, her inscription on the VDay card she gave me was all I needed to prove that. It said, "I'm glad you're home".
Hope that helps somehow.
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
