I feel I've had enough

[kaydeekay]

Thank you OnHold for responding.

"Just don't do anything that can't be undone. Until you are sure that, that is what you want"

What a dear friend you must have to give this great adivce. I will take heed and see how I feel by the end of the month. Who knows what can happen between now and then. But I do know that I cannot continue to live MY life like this forever.

Well it seems H and I are now butting heads on who gets to claim D13 for income tax purposes. A few months ago we had agreed that I would take her on even numbered tax years. That means I will get to claim her when I file this year and he the next.

I've been avoiding contact with H and we have been communicating through VM's or texts. The last VM (this morning) H was not too happy and stated "Why would I not take even years, it doesn't make sense. Next year I get to claim S17?" (He claims his S17 on odd numbered years). Then he went on to stay that "it was all about money for you."

I get tired of hearing that I'm such a gold digger where he is concerned. The funny thing is I earn a few thousand less than he does a year. And yet, I've managed to pay a mortgage, car payment, insurance, utilities, etc... with little to no help from him these past two years . I've also managed to stay at one job for 10 years and he has been fired from one and barely holding on to this one since he left two years ago.

There's a thing that confuses me with an MLCer such as my darling H. Why is it that he can live from one place to another and it not bother him? (at least it appears that way to me). He has lived with an uncle, OW (out of the pic), his sister, and now a friend of ours. He has managed to damage a little of the relationship he had with his uncle and sister.

I'm just waiting to see if his friendship with the friend will come to an end or end up flourishing. The things H used to say about our friend (I'll call T) while we were together. They are friends but not the best. H commented that even though he and T are friends, H didn't think he could be there for T if T needed him like his best friend C. And now H hasn't talked to C in months. A pity because C has been there for H for at least 14 years.

[always_14]

Hi Kay....just read through your posts. I can relate to how you feel.

I see that in earlier posts (pre-holidays) you wanted to go dark and cut the cord.

Now it seems that you do have contact with H. Is it all necessary contact? He seems to plow through your life even when you set boundaries, and in the past, you have let him bend those boundaries....so the end result is that he comes and goes as he pleases.

I agree with OnHold. Be firm. This is only tormenting you, and keeping him in the "teenage" holding pattern.

Back off, cut the cord. Only email for essential things (like taxes, of course). And I suggest keep it strictly business.....no engaging in his back and forth of emotional talk (you being a gold digger, etc). Just ignore those comments and pretend he did not write them. Just get what you want and let the communication go. Remember, they will at times do things to bait you for a fight or conflict....mostly b/c I think the MLCer thrives on drama or misery in their life at the time. They want to run away, and you are the reason, and once you remove yourself, they have to keep making you a reason to run away.

My H does this at times.....I give him choices and he gets stubborn. So, now I just email him and tell him what I need/want, how, etc, and all I need is an OK. Really, I have no desire to communicate with someone who makes NO SENSE and has tanked their life and wants to tank mine. So, I just make sure I get what I need out of it, and leave him be.

If he VM or txt messages you for other things, I suggest you back off and do not respond. Only if you want to and wait a while.

All MLCers are different, so only you know.

In my case, my H went totally dark on me too, and it's good for me. I also know in my case, it helped to TOTALLY remove myself from his life....so he didn't have an excuse to why his life was miserable and he still made destructive choices that were HIS OWN. I made sure I was no longer what he was running from. Sometimes I think it keeps them in this holding pattern....keeping that string of contact.

In the rare conversations I have had with H, I see that he has FINALLY started looking within. He had no choice.

You have kids, so must have some contact. Keep it VERY minimal. Remove yourself from the equation and go on with life.

[kaydeekay]

Hi always_14.

I agree I need to cut the cord. Well today was a little snip on that cord. H and I have not talked with one another since Jan 5th. H called on the 15th and we talked about my child support. Well then the phone calls started right up again. He called last night and I ignored it. He called 30 minutes later so I answered it (I know WRONG!) We talked about the child support again. He then called back (Again, WRONG to answer) and tried to engage me into a conversation and I wouldn't. He asked me if I was mad at him and I told him that I wasn't, that I was watching TV. He tells me, "Well you have a good night, okay?" Real overly sweet (yuck).

This brings us to this morning. H calls me at work and asks if I could do something for him. I asked, what it was. You see, back in June H lost his drivers license due to a DUI. Our car insurances got cancelled in November due to this (I was livid). I managed to get car insurance for myself (and at a lower price ). This morning H said he was trying to get insurance on his truck and his friend J was going to be the one who is the insured driver of the truck. The insurance company told H that J has to be on the title in order to be insured. H then asks me if I would get insurance on the truck through the same company I found for myself. I explained to H that I had to write a letter to the underwriters stating that H does not have access to my vehicle and that we are separated. I then asked H what he thought would happen to my insurance if they found out that I was insuring his truck and letting him drive it without a license? He thought about it and then asked if I would sign over the title solely to him and he would add his friend J or J's wife to it so J could get the insurance. I was stunned that he would sign something over like to this to a friend just to get insurance. I told him sure. I then asked H if he trusted J with the truck? H responded, I trust him with my life. Okay, whatever. Then I threw in, "What if, J got mad at you and then reported the truck stolen?" H didn't have an answer for that but I could tell he was giving it some thought.

It took everything I had to turn him down. I wanted to give him suggestions on what he should do, but I didn't. Luckily the truck is paid off by H's daddy and H is making payments to him. The weird thing is, H thanked me for considering about doing the insurance thing. He thanked me twice.

In my case, my H went totally dark on me too, and it's good for me. I also know in my case, it helped to TOTALLY remove myself from his life....so he didn't have an excuse to why his life was miserable and he still made destructive choices that were HIS OWN. I made sure I was no longer what he was running from. Sometimes I think it keeps them in this holding pattern....keeping that string of contact.

I agree with you. I'm hoping that my H sees that I was not always the one to blame for the bad things that happened to him. I kinda get the feeling that things between his roommate and him are not so good. H hasn't mentioned anything but I just get this feeling.

Thanks again always_14

[kaydeekay]

Journaling:

Not a whole lot has happened in the past few weeks but there were some odd conversations.

One day H and I met for lunch. We had small chit-chat and he asked if we could watch the Super Bowl together. I told him sure. Well that never happended and was never mentioned again. I was not at all surprised that we didn't get together. In fact, I never count on anything where it involves us getting together that is planned in advanced. It somehow gets swept under the rug and H acts like it was never planned. I've learned to stop bringing such things up.

On January 30th H was phoning me over little things. As I was picking up D17 from school for an appointment H phoned me and we somehow got to talking about what would happen if he were to die. H told me that I was the bennificiary on his policies and he trusted me to do the right thing with the money. H went as far to tell me that he wanted me to make any funeral arrangements. I tried to make things light and told him that I had hoped that I wouldn't have to, and by the way, if you remarry wouldn't your new wife want to have a say in this? H danced around that question and told me that he trusted me. He told me that I just didn't get what he was trying to tell me. I told him I honestly didn't. H told me that he still cared for me and wanted me to be taken care of in case something were to happen to him. I started crying but didn't want him to know that I was. I told him that I didn't think he cared anymore. H told me that he knew he had done me wrong and nobody else knows the bullsh!t that has gone on between the two of us. He stated that we have been together for 13 years. One thing I forgot to mention...this day was also our 13th wedding anniversary. Neither one of us said anthing about it and have not to this day.

Two days later we meet for lunch. H asked if I was seeing anyone. I told him no. I asked the same. H said that he has gone out a few times (I'm assuming with a few other women). H said that it's fun in the beginning but then it fizzles out. H said he compares everyone he meets to me. He stated "they are not you." I didn't know what to say. So I asked him what he meant. All he could say was they are not you. (I have heard this statement from him a few times this past year). So I asked H would it be better that we didn't talk on the phone or meet for lunch like this anymore, and would this help him move on so he could get serious with someone? H looked at me with a shocked/surprised look in his eyes and told me NO. H said that he needed me in his life. The only thing I could say was okay. After lunch he phoned me and made me promise him that I wouldn't send him anymore texts asking him not to call me anymore (I have done this 2 or 3 times hoping that no contact from him will help me move on). I told that I wouldn't do that anymore.

The next day I helped him with his taxes and he owes to the federal. He was not too pleased and I was expecting to get blamed for it because I wouldn't allow him to claim our D13 this year. To my surprise he didn't blame me at all.

This week there has hardly been any phone contact from H. He did call me on Monday a few times and once on Wednesday. H usually withdraws from me after we've had an argument but we've hadn't had one so I'm kinda confused as to why the daily phone calls have ceased from him. I'm still kinda gun-shy to call him, even if it's to say hi. Is he waiting on me to start making contact (which he has never questioned as to why I don't call him) or is he needing this time to see if he make it alone without me in his life?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Wow KD,

That some good connecting don't you think?
I think so, but I also think be cautious, right?

Well...we have been doing this for so long we lose sight of some of the earlier lessons in DB book. Make a change and wait 2-3 weeks to see if it works.

Calling him once and see what happens cannot possibly hurt you or your M right? You can put a feeler out and see what happens.

My suggestion, my 3 beans.

[Rosy_Times]

I see some connecting but its also common for them to pull back after connecting. He is probably wondering the same things and trying to figure out what it all means.

[kaydeekay]

Thanks Jack and Rosy for stopping by.

I agree with the connecting and pulling back. I kinda thought that maybe it but was unsure.

I did call H to just say hi. H said he was on his way to get an evaluation to get his driver's license back (lost it due to his DUI). I wished him luck and asked if he would call me back to let me know how things turned out and he said he would. He was having his boss take him. It kinda mad me said because I should have been the one to take him and be there for him, and on top of that I didn't even know he was going today. But I soon realized that this needs to be done without me and I'm okay.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Glad you cycled that anger quickly!

Glad you made the call too. : ) hope your day is a good one.

[kaydeekay]

Hi Jack,

I was glad I made that call too. H called me later to let me know he has to attend a 10 hour DUI class and a Victim Impact session. I talked with him briefly on Saturday and I ended the call with "I'll give a you call sometime next week." I think he was surprised because he asked me to repeat it.

Do you think it's wise to start making little contact with him to just say hi? I don't want him to think that I'm pursuing him, which I wouldn't be but I would like to for him to see that I'm still interested in him. I've been doing the no contacting him for so long it feels awkward.

[kaydeekay]

Journaling:

Limited contact with H this week. He did call me on V-day to wish me Happy Valentine's Day which I was very surprised by. H asked if I would call him at work later, in fact he begged me. I did call him but he didn't answer/or hear his page to pick up the phone. At the end of the day he called me and asked me about my day and wanted me to have a good night. He said "I love you" and then immediately said, "oh, I'm sorry. I'll talk to you later, bye." In the past, H has let it slip with the ILY's and immediately apologizes. The first time he did it, he said something to the fact "Oh, I'm sorry...you don't want to hear that." This was shortly after he and OW broke things off.

H calls me this morning as I was getting ready to go into a staff meeting. He told me to have a good day and said "You can call me if you want to." I told him okay.

I'm conflicted right now if I should call H or not. I don't think I will. I'm suppose to have lunch with H next week (at his request). So, we'll see how that goes.

Am I wrong to think that H is being controlling with the setting up the lunches and telling me when to call him? Or, is this his way of trying to reconnect with me?