New here - W unwilling to work on it

[30andLost]

Hello all! Time for me to catch you up...

I've had an interesting few days. On V-day, I did get my wife the 'friend' card with a 1-hour massage gift certificate in it and my inscription was "I hope this can take away some of the stress and agony I have so undeservedly caused you." Then just signed it with my name, no ILU or IMU stuff at all. The gift cert. has a place to put a "from" and I just wrote "Your friend, Brandon" She got it, and said thank you. I had to call her because I sent her an e-mail with all the different locations that she could use it at, and she got the e-mail before she saw the card. She sent me an e-mail asking what were the addresses for so I called her and told her where to look for the card. She was having a real bad day (bad days are when she thinks of all the pain I've caused her; good days are when she thinks theres hope for us). She did say thank you and that she could really use it. She tried to use it that night but no one had appointments open, so she scheduled herself for last night (thurs) and I picked up the boys and stayed with them while she went and got her massage.

So, early thurs. morning, I had a brief talk with her about some things. I always approach every talk we have from friend point of view and don't bring up R first. And if R is brought up, I just talk about the changes going on with me and my feelings, not probing her to make a decision or anything. I basically apologized for all the hurt I've cause her and she did tell me that she missed me V-day night. She missed her friend. She also said that she is finding herself again. All of this is good and supports my end-goal of being back together with her. I can't remember everything that was said but it felt so good, that I called her on my way to work. She was supposed to be at school with her phone off, but the instructor didn't start yet so her phone was still on and she answered. I told her she was supposed to have her phone off in class jokingly (just being the friend again) but I told her I couldn't tell her what I was calling for because I really thought I would get her voicemail. She said laughed and said ok, i'll hang up and you can leave me a VM. So I called back and asked her if I could hang out with her after her massage and help her with homework and watch grey's anatomy. She texted me back after she got the VM and said I could stay as a friend as long as there was no R talk. I agreed.

So, I was SOOO anxious! You can imagine this is the first time we have spent together for more than 30 minutes since I left. But overall, it went GOOD! I was able to keep it as friends and we had a good time. I was nerve-racking for us both at first but we settled into it and it went well. We did have some R talk but again, she brought it up, and I only talked about the changes in me that would prevent me from ever hurting her again, whether or not I ever got a chance to. We talked about her new tattoo (that covered my name). I didn't react with insecurity or anger. She showed me the club that she is going to in San Fran this weekend with her girlfriends. That part was hard but I kept it together like a champ and just said how cool it looked and that I was sure she'd have a lot of fun. So before I left, I started getting slippery with the R talk and future talk but I stopped myself and let her know I knew I was getting out of control. I said "I should go now before I keep talking." She giggled and I left.

Then this morning she called to tell me about the car. We (she) have a brand new 2007 Accord w/ leather that had a defect in the leather in the back seat. So after she told me about what went on at the dealer, I told her that one thing I never did in our M was ask for what I wanted, I just took it or forced it out of her or in the worst case, got it from somewhere else. So I asked her if I could call her sometimes just to talk. She basically said yes and that I've been doing a good job giving her her space and not to read too much into anything she says and she even joked about sex and that she is getting to know her friend (me) again and to just take things one day at a time while we work through this. She even said that she is not hating me as much but friends is all she can handle right now. The M is still too far away to even contimplate. That's ok with me because 43 days ago, she wanted a D and nothing to do with me. PATIENCE is KEY!

Anyways, I just have to remember to be patient and not push when I feel there's hope. Because I can quickly undo all the progress I've made if I push and crowd her. Pray for me for strength to keep on my path.

I love you all.

B.