I want to trust him again

[Jen_Jam]

Ul - when you get into Piecing it feels weird cos you've spent so long following these rules - no R talk, no pressure etc - but now that has changed.
GO FOR IT!!! Remember to note if it's positive and keep doing what works.

You are so right too about not giving in - DB'ing takes FAR longer that you first think. I remember thinking when I had my bomb (in Sept 2005) that we'd be piecing in December 05 - well we didn't get there until about Dec 06 - just to show it takes more than you first think!!

You are doing really well though and I'm glad you're staying on the boards, yes there still will be dark days so it's good to have a source of support!!

[inpain]

Hi Unloved.

I'd love to see what answer you get about the hugs etc because I'm the same. I'm letting H do all the initiating. The most I've done first is put my hand on his arm. It's hard to know what is OK and what isn't after DBg and being deliberately detached isn't it??

You sound like you are doing really well with everything - including your confidence!! Well done you. I'm sure you weren't a waste of space before and its great that you have your self confidence back. You can do anything if you try hard enough. You've proven that with DBg!!


I don't know about you but I do finally feel that the black days are turning out to be more dark grey instead

IP

[cat03]

In *my case* it made a difference that I initiated all affection, my H wans't very loving at all whenhe came back. Gradually he warmed up to me and I know had I just waited he'd felt I was still angry and unforgiven at what had happened.
I gave out of my heart, because I was happy he was there. I did want him to reciprocate, but I did know he wasn't ready, and for the time time being I took what i could, I hugged him, kissed him, and it paid off big time

[Unloved]

Hi Everyone and thanks for your comments. Sorry it's taken me so long to write back but i just never seem to get the chance at the moment. Although there have been many days recently when i desparately needed someone to talk to and i really wanted to get on here and ask for help.

Generally things are going well but i am fighting against paranoia that H is still in contact with ow. I also get the impression that H jumps at every opportunity to stay away and basically would rather have his single life with his mates than be a family man.
I may be completely wrong about all of the above but that's how it seems at the moment. Almost every week he has been away for 1 or 2 nights on business trips and he always stays overnight even though some times he isn't that far away and could quite easily get there and back in a day. Also, when he is at home, if any of his friends ask if he wants to go out he always goes and he always drinks. There is no such thing as going out and not drinking!!! so when he is home he is constantly tired and usually falls asleep on the sofa or goes up to bed early.
He just seems so unhealthy and tired all the time. I blame alcohol but if i say anything to him he says that he hasn't drunk much and that he's got a cold - this must be the longest cold in history!!! It does annoy me because i never complain about being tired and yet i have half as much sleep with a toddler and baby to look after. I feel as if i'm a single mum because i seem to be here on my own all the time (even when he is here)! I've probably said this before but even though the house is full i have never felt so lonely.

I am finding the lack of affection very hard to deal with and i am also having trouble trusting him. This is such a shame because before our separation i always tusted him 100%.
He has asked if i would mind if he goes on a golfing holiday with his work mates to Portugal for 5 days. I really don't want him to go but i didn't tell him that. I said that i didn't mind but i would feel very envious as i would love a holiday. He said that he would like to go on a family holiday aswell (H,me and the children). I jokingly said "we could all go to Portugal together" his response was a joking "yeah". I know that having me tag along would be the last thing that he would want. To be honest i don't really want to go abroad this year as i think it might be tricky with the children. But i don't want him to go either. I would just love it if we just went somewhere in this country for a week and then go abroad next year when our boys are a little bit older.
Firstly, i'm worried that he might be going away with ow and not work mates. Or if he is going with work mates, what will he get up to? You know what it's like - sun, sea, sand, sex etc!! I don't know what to say to him, should i just keep quiet and let him go?

The other thing which is bothering me is that he doesn't seem to spend any time with our new baby. The only time he holds him is if i'm busy. He will do anything if i ask, but quite often it's like he forgets he's even there. H also says that he finds the crying really winds him up - luckily, he is a very good baby and rarely cries.

i could go on forever at the moment, so i think i had better leave it there for now.

I hope you are all doing ok
UL

[inpain]

HI UL

Sorry you're having a tough time at the moment - this piecing business is very very hard isn't it - I'm the same.

I know what you mean about jumping at every opportunity to be away - my H has stopped at a friends house 1 night almost every week since he came home because like yours there is no such thing as going out and not drinking and he wants to save the taxi fare home. It makes me wonder what is going on too. He was never like this before. I think maybe because they have been used to living the single life while separated it takes a while for them to tone it down to a more acceptable married man kind of lifestyle because they've built up new friendships and social circle. I think my H seems to be gradually toning it down now but I had pointed out to him in a nice way that he was going out 3 times a week.

As for the lack of affection I can't really offer any advice because I'm struggling with it too. It just doesn't seem normal to me to want to be with someone (as my H says he does) but not feel any need to ML or kiss.

I don't blame you for being worried about the holiday I would be too and it does take time for the trust to build back up after what you have been through. I thought I'd sorted my fears out but then last night H got a few texts and I thought he looked embarrassed and I was dying to ask who they were from - I think they were from the W he works with who he texted so much.

How far away is the holiday with his work mates? ie will there be enough time to work things out a bit more so that you feel more reassured about it? Are you at the stage where you can have a little talk with H to tell him that you are still building trust back up and the holiday makes you nervous? My H is open to little R talks but I don't know if yours is. Hope you sort it. IP

[Unloved]

Iam still struggling with my H keeping his mobile phone with him at all times. He never used to do this and it just makes him look as if he has something to hide. Should i just try my hardest to ignore it or should i ask him why he is doing it? He has also started taking his laptop to work with him now, it is not a work computer and would not be allowed onto the premises where he works - so why would he need it?!!

[inpain]

Hi there UL.

Tricky one......I'm not sure. Me personally I would query the lap top in an innocent tone cos you think he isn't allowed it at work.... but that's just me and I'm not sure where your H is at with regards to if he still feels like you are checking up on him. (I know my H thought this for ages after he came back but doesn't now so I would feel totally OK about asking him such a question). That said my H still keeps his mobile with him at all times and he didn't before but I seem to have just let it go.

If I were asking my H I'd just say "how come you're taking the laptop to work? Are you allowed them now??" in a really light manner. Good luck with however you decide to handle it - good luck, IP.

[Unloved]

Hi IP
Idid what you said about the laptop, i kept it very casual and said that i didn't think laptops were allowed on site at work. He said that policies had changed and things were not as strict anymore - which i do believe. at the moment i don't feel quite as paranoid, but this changes from one day to the next. I just really wish i could trust him again like i used to. He has been so lovely to me so i should be over the moon but i keep having these silly nagging doubts that it's only because he's happy because he's having the best of both worlds - a family life and a bachelors life.

I would love him to wear his wedding ring again and to move back into our bedroom but i dont know whether i should talk to him about it or wait until he feels ready to bring the subject up. Any advice out there?

[Unloved]

IP - I forgot to ask you how are you doing, have you scored any more goals recently?

[inpain]

Hi UL

I'm glad it went OK when you asked him about the laptop and also that you are feeling a little less paranoid. I think it all just takes a lot of time. I am now 100% sure we are back together for good and H acts like he's totally back in love and says he's not going anywhere but I still have panic attacks if we disagree or sometimes just because he's going to work. I feel exactly like you - wishing I could trust him not to break my heart again. I think I'm getting a little better each day. Why do you say your H is happy because he has family life and bachelors life??? Is he still going out a lot???

My H is still not wearing his ring so I think this must take a long time.....as for moving back into your room he might be thinking you don't want him to yet or would feel uncomfortable about it so if it were me I'd broach the subject. Does he talk about how things are going at all?? If he does and he says things are going well and he's happy I would just say "do you think that we will sleep in the same room together eventually?" or "I would love for us to end up back together properly sharing the same room eventually" something that doesn't sound like you're demanding it right now - the eventually takes the edge off and lets him still feel in control I think. Course this is just my opinion again but that is how I went about it with my H.

We have taken things very slowly and I feel we are now almost there. Good luck with whatever you decide to do again.

Thank you for asking how I'm doing. Everything is going really well. Just waiting for the intimacy issue to be resolved but progress is being made slowly but surely and I'm feeling a lot happier and a bit more secure.