I too find myself struggling with just what to do with myself. I have opened my eyes and mind to the fact that there are many more possibilities in front of me now that I am alone again. Actually, with S14 still at home, there are still some restrictions, but I have admitted to myself that the only thing holding me back now is me. Still, it's difficult to know what to do sometimes.
So you've got a year under your belt? It's been now just over 5 months since Anne left us. Just over two since the divorce. It seems like an eternity sometimes. My problem is that I liked my life. I liked my work, my home, loved my boys and loved my wife. Things were not perfect and they never are. But I was very happy with where our life had taken us. So I think of changes and moving forward and realize sometimes that the only thing I really feel is missing in my life is that person who used to share it with me. I do miss that.
My longing for Anne seems to lessen as the days go by, but I can still say that everytime the phone rings there is an anticipation that I feel inside. Unfortunately these days it is a nervous anticipation. I don't expect to hear from her, and if I did I would not expect it to be about something good.
I do still long for companionship. And I think it is this that I am struggling with now in terms of moving on with my life. Spending most of your adult life in marriage with another person means that we've become conditioned to having that lifetime companion. We've always done things as partners, not individuals, and it's a tough transition to make. I'm slowly beginning to believe that what I really need to do is learn how to be a single male parent living his life and being happy. I think I can do that, but I'm clearly not there yet.
Your post resonates with me though Brue because I too am feeling tired of this sense of waiting. That's part of why I title my threads "from standing to leaping," to encourage myself to NOT see my stand for my wife as something static, but more something that I hold in my heart. It's hard. I know that I will have love with a woman again one day, mostly because I feel right now that it is something I truly cherished about living. Not because I can't live without it, but because ......well, it's kind of like chocolate I guess. I know I'll have chocolate again in my life, not because I HAVE to have chocolate or I can't go on, but because I really LIKE chocolate, so I WANT to have it again.
I wish WANTING my to share my life with Anne again was enough to make it happen, but I know it's not.
I'll keep my fingers crossed for you Brue. I feel like we're in a similar place right now.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
