Piecing Advice

[SDFoundGirl]

Thanks Julie! I needed to hear that today, because I am feeling less than wonderful. I am feeling guilty for not being able to be in the same mental/emotional place as H. It's silly, I know, but it's real.

But, I am doing much better. Hope you're having a great day!

SD

[SDFoundGirl]

Jen,

Thanks for letting me know this is all normal. It helps in a really odd way! My feelings in no way dictate my life anymore, but I also don't fight my feelings either. They are real, they are valid; but they cannot rule my life.

I really do love my H, but I'm still healing. Probably will be for some time....

SD

[SDFoundGirl]

Turns out I *am* pissed. Big time. H and I had our first post-makeup "fight".

Background: in the past (yes, the past is dead, I know the past is dead, but I apparently am still walking on *some* eggshells...MC called it before I figured that out!!!)...oh yeah, in the past, H used to criticize me for being all casual when he came home or for wearing my sweats before bed to relax in. Now, I'm on my period (hence extra wonderful hormones on top of all of this), so I SO don't want to wear my cute jammies because I might ooze all over them (TMI) and I really just want to be in my comfy clothes.

SO, H is butt tired from work. I make dinner, I feel totally fine, clean up, then say, "Do you mind if I change into my yoga pants?" He says yes, me, remembering the past and all the sh!t asks, "Are you sure?" This goes back and forth a couple of times until H sighs and rolls his eyes.

I start to cry. H starts to whine about how tired he is, etc., and I start to think about how tired I was all summer long dealing with his crap. But what did I do? I dealt with it. Listened, supported, validated, and SUCKED IT UP.

Damn I was PISSSSSSSED! But, unlike old me, I just left the room, changed into my comfys, and then lay in the bed and cried to myself for a little while. I come out, and H is on edge and brings it all up when I'm ready to just let it drop until MC.

Long story short: apparently I really resent H for not at least doing what I did for him all summer long for one night. Apparently I'm still having a hard time trusting that what he tells me won't come back to haunt me if I take him at his word (old H). Apparently H doesn't get my feelings because, "What have the last 6 months been about?"

We talked for a while, and I tried to explain my feelings. I told him I need time and space like he did to work these feelings out because I basically had to shut up and give him what he needed for all of those months. I told him I didn't regret it or resent it, that I did it because that's what I had to do for our M, but that I now had to process all that had happened and have time to trust his changes.

We ended up cracking jokes, but that SD from the early DBing days is feeling really, really afraid. Tonight I wanted to be the WAS. I wanted to run, to live apart for a while, to let him figure a few things out the way I had as well.

So, I'm relieved and scared. I really believe H is in this, but there's that residue from this summer...and I don't know how to get rid of it any other way than to say, "Hey, look at that alien sludge sitting right there! Maybe we oughta clean it up?"

I freaking hate piecing. I wish I could just be as oblivious as H, as comfortable and happy in our R as he is. But apparently, it's my turn now.

Blah!

SD

[Jen_Jam]

We talked for a while, and I tried to explain my feelings. I told him I need time and space like he did to work these feelings out because I basically had to shut up and give him what he needed for all of those months. I told him I didn't regret it or resent it, that I did it because that's what I had to do for our M, but that I now had to process all that had happened and have time to trust his changes.

We ended up cracking jokes, but that SD from the early DBing days is feeling really, really afraid. Tonight I wanted to be the WAS. I wanted to run, to live apart for a while, to let him figure a few things out the way I had as well.


SD

Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes I have been through this!!!

I told H more or less EXACTLY the same thing - that it had been hard on me, that I wasn't angry with him, but that I needed TIME to trust that everything was going to be OK.

I wanted to be the WAS too - not for revenge, oh no, but just cos it felt all so DARN HARD!!! It felt like something in our M had died and I was never going to get it back again.

But there is good news...I'm still piecing so am not "there" yet, still got a lot of me to work on, b - u - t life is feeling better. H is trying, he IS aware that he contributed to the situation too, that we BOTH got things wrong. That really helps.

SD you WILL get there...but be prepared to have ILYBINILWY feelings for your H now and then ...if you do just go back to GAL, to enjoying life and if H gets worried just say you need a little space. Yes it does seems as if the alien invades us too...but we're stronger than them!! Darn ET's!!

[Rob1231]

Sheesh! I haven't been through this (YET ) but I certainly see where you're coming from.

We really do expect our WAS's, when we get to the end of the Really Scary Coming Apart At The Seams Stage, to "get it" and finally climb on board the hard-working, goal-oriented DB train with us. And the sad part is: they think that, just because they're no longer standing with one foot out the door, they HAVE! Sigh.

My best advice, wonderful SD, is to recognize that this is another unavoidable dip on the emotional rollercoaster, but remember that it will head back uphill again soon. Ride it out - I know you won't give up on yourself or your M. Just be good to yourself in the meantime.

[Heywyre]

On average (so "they" say) piecing a marriage takes between 1-3 years - wholly crap do I have a ways to go!

I am totally where you are SD. Just when I think things are ticking along just fine I get some teensy little flash of the past that reminds me not to let my guard down, not to trust, not to be happy - all those truly negative things.

Let yourself feel the emotion at the time it happens and then let it pass - it is so much easier to be happy than to try and stay miserable

[whapu]

SD,
Wanted to visit your thread and Yipes! You mean to tell me that I will still have all this to look forward to even if my baby steps make it to toddler?
Wow, all of you are incredible people and have an amazing amount of endurance. You all should at the very least be proud of yourselfs.
I have nothing to offer you but just admiration. Put on your comfys and get comfy! Your are an incredible woman of strength SD...keep on keeping on !...peace

[Heywyre]

Its a tough road Whapu - it doesn't become any easier in Piecing - as a matter of fact. sometimes I think its actually harder.

[SDFoundGirl]

SD you WILL get there...but be prepared to have ILYBINILWY feelings for your H now and then ...if you do just go back to GAL, to enjoying life and if H gets worried just say you need a little space. Yes it does seems as if the alien invades us too...but we're stronger than them!! Darn ET's!!

Ohhhhh, so already have felt this. Right now I feel like H is a good friend, and I don't think that's altogether a bad thing. We never really had a good friendship, and I think that's part of what will make our M great someday. But romantic? Not so much.

I have to laugh or I'll cry about being invaded by an alien myself. Heck, even *I* puzzle me, LOL. It's like, I got everything I was working for back, and now I can't be satisfied or comfortable. I'm still always waiting for the hammer to drop, always putting up that wall, remembering I'm not safe here. My safe place was blown to smithereens this summer, and it's going to take some time to rebuild.

I may take a weekend and go have some me time to try to figure things out. It's H's turn to be patient, to suck it up, and be supportive. If he can't/won't do that, I can't see staying long term. I deserve to receive what I'm giving him, pure and simple.

SD

[SDFoundGirl]

On average (so "they" say) piecing a marriage takes between 1-3 years - wholly crap do I have a ways to go!

I am totally where you are SD. Just when I think things are ticking along just fine I get some teensy little flash of the past that reminds me not to let my guard down, not to trust, not to be happy - all those truly negative things.

Let yourself feel the emotion at the time it happens and then let it pass - it is so much easier to be happy than to try and stay miserable

Thanks Heywyre! Yeah, I don't want to be miserable, and so I'm facing these feelings head on. What you wrote about being reminded not to let your guard down resonates so strongly with me...that's EXACTLY it. It's not safe here for me yet, at least not in my soul. And, well, I know *I've* changed, but H? I don't really know what's happened inside of him. How can I trust it's really okay to do things he railed against and disliked in the past? He held onto all of his feelings about a lot of things and then they came back to haunt me when I took him at his word, so why would I trust he's changed his opinion about these other things he openly disliked?

He's treating me a little like I'm crazy, and that just pisses me off more. I KNOW I'm not crazy for being insecure, for checking in on things like our MC told us to, so I kind of resent being treated that way.

Anyway, thanks for responding. It makes me feel better....

SD