It's time to pull out of the rut

[brueniap]

Journaling - My last 9 threads were "How do I go on from here?" This is not a question I need to ask anymore. I know how to go on from here - now it's time to make me do it.

I just celebrated my year anniversary yesterday of H leaving. Just like so many of you - I started my journey out of the hole by coming to this place. Now I see all the newbies and shake my head in sadness for them having to be here. I want to scream it out "You'll make it guys......this is not an impossible ride". And the ride is easier if we don't fight it so hard.

It's time for me to quit being in a stupor and accept this lot and do something with my life. I've allowed myself to vegetate in limbo land waiting.........waiting for what? Who cares anyway. I shouldn't be waiting........I need to just be doing because I have a life and it is valuable.

Last nite I took a friend to the emergency room where we waited for almost 3 hours. He is the Organist at the church I work in. In fact.....he was my teacher in College. He is 76. I looked at him in the bed - reduced to hospital gown with open back. He is one of the finest Organists in the whole country,with an amazing reputation in music circles - but who knew that there in the hospital. He was just my friend and a number to the hospital employees. And I said to myself - no matter what we do in our lives to be "something" - this is what it all comes down to one day.

And I was so glad that he could call me so I could take him to the emergency room.

and I realized that is where my life needs to be. Not wrapped up in worry over someone who is only wrapped up in himself and his needs. I am here if my husband needs me......but frankly? I've been here too much because I allow it to affect me when he's not here. It's not like he's going to come here with a huge new job and take care of me. I've been putting off that part of my survival since he left here.

God has moved in ways that I never dreamed possible. And I know He is nudging me in directions that I avoid. It is easier to sit and stare. But that doesn't take care of my everyday living or being what I need to be for others.

So today I am trying to just get a grip on me and live as God would wish me to. I want to be in His service to others. I don't know what that means - but I do know that it does not mean sitting in a stupor doing nothing all day long.

so happy LBS anniversary to me. I think I would like to consider myself a MOWCLBS from now on (Moving Onward Way Cool LBS) because that is what I am.

so there you have it

brue