Your latest epiphany is a good example of what I had been trying to tell you… it does not matter one hoot what YOU think. If you are trying to patch things up with your H, you need to focus on what HE thinks. Until he sees the words, actions, intent in you that convinces him to think another way, he will think the worst of you. And if I were him, looking back on your history, I wouldn’t say you have a good track record. You didn’t like the state of the marriage, for whatever list of reasons as long as a book, so you go have an affair. You didn’t like his reaction to that, for another list as long as a book, so you file for divorce. From his perspective, it seems pretty clear.
This is why Blackfoot was saying that your H is actually doing a remarkable job of holding himself together, staying in the house for the kids, not walking out on you, etc. You can have your lists of why this is all wrong, that you are the victim, blah, blah, blah. It doesn’t matter. If you want to make progress with him, you need to do it on HIS terms, not yours. He is done. He is ready to end this too. If he weren’t I think he would be sending different signals.
I see two reasons why he isn’t doing this: 1) he is a narcissistic SOB and has no feeling or empathy for you or anyone else, or 2) he can see no hope with you in light of your actions, words, communication. Maybe it is a combination of the two. I don’t know, but I do believe you have a certain level of blame for number 2).
Also you recently commented that you thought you were a laid back, easy to get along with type of person. I find that very hard to believe. Everyone is easy to get along with if others in their life would just do as they wanted. Under those ideal, controlled situations, you might be a real doll. But under stress you are the warrior chick, and the last few years have been nothing but stress. Get real about who you are and what you project to others.
‘Fess up to your H that you have been controlling, vengeful, vindictive, manipulative and that you have done all those things not out of love or trying to hold the family together, but out of your own selfish interests to protect yourself. Tell him that and he might hear you.
