There was no BS there. Confusion is obvious. He's behaving according to script. He doesn't really want out but in these beginning stages only acknowledges that in rare moments. And even if he doesn't WANT out...he truly believes it is the only way...fixing your marraige is impossible to him.

He was able to tell that to your son. But how could someone who doesn't want to hurt you tell you those things?

MLCers have truths of the moment. They are often unaware they are showing love or sending hopeful clues. Don't let them know...tuck the Hope in your heart and remember it on your own.

This is NOT going to be resolved quickly. He may maintain the No-Contact for two weeks...or not. You need to uphold your end.

And what about an OW? Just because you may not know of one...start suspecting the possibility now. If there isn't one YET...sorry, but there most likely will be. And I am right now concerned he could be moving in with her during those two weeks...or that those two weeks are scheduled for there special uninterrupted time together.

IF you do now want a divorce, are able to forgive and are thus willing to Stand for your marriage...You will need to accept the process of his MLC. That usually means an OW who he will claim he is in love with. He will initially love his freedome. OR initially be scared, run home...and away within a few days or weeks...and then start loving the new freedom.

Please understand, this is nothing against you personally. He's been letting his problems fester, he's been dreaming of this freedom. Of course he will enjoy it...AT FIRST.

So do not expect things to get better for a very long time. And at the same time, expect them to sometimes SEEM to get better...only to cycle to bad again...or worse than before.

The likelihood is that things will get worse...while cycling. He may spew venom...I hate you, You're being vindictive.

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

Get A Life...and MLCers often become quite curious about what we are doing.

You are handling things well...the talk you had where you said that you understood he needs time and yo9u agreed not to contact him for two weeks...excellent. After those two weeks...let him contact you...keep No-Contact for your part.

So you did well. My concern is your anger and frustrated response to his conversation with your son. It is understandable...which is why I simply want to tell you that it's how things work. It doesn't mean he's lieing...it means he is lost and confused.

You can refuse to except that MLC 'excuse.' I personally do not use it as an excuse. Nothing justifies his behaviour, and he is not legally insane. But that knowledge can help you to maintain control of your emotions and come to this with some understanding.

Read the resources at the top of this forum. Read Midlife Crisis books and read about Male Depression...

There is a stage of MLC called Depression. But in reality, depression permeates ALL of MLC. The Depression stage is usually Overt Depression...the kind everyone recongizes as Depression. Replay, where he is now and will be for a long time, is Covert Depression. Educate yourself on MLC and Depression just so you have some background information to help you understand what is happening...for many understanding helpd to gain strength and control of one's own meotions...realizing this is not about you...and that things may not may sense OFTEN.

Midlife Crisis
  • Brehony, Kathleen A.Awakening At Midlife.New York: Riverhead Books, 1996.
  • Conway, Jim Men in Midlife Crisis.
  • Conway, Sally Your Husband's Midlife Crisis.
  • O'Connor, Peter Understanding the Mid-Life Crisis.New York: Paulist Press, 1981.
  • Stein, Murray In Midlife. Putnam CT: Spring Publications, 1983.
    Depression
  • Golant, Mitch What to do when someone you love is depressed.
  • Hart, Archibald D. Unmasking Male Depression.
  • Publisher: W Publishing Group, (January 2, 2001).
  • Real, Terrence. I don't want to talk about it : overcoming the secret legacy of male depression.
  • Wexler, David B. Is he depressed or what? : what to do when the man you love is irritable, moody, and withdrawn.
  • Strauss, Claudia JTalking to depression : simple ways to connect when someone in your life is depressed.

Quote:
how do I react with my H?
You don't. His talk with your son was not with you. Maybe your son has or will tell him that you know about the conversation. So What. Ignore it...it doesn't exist. If he brings it up...Validate and affirm. REally, validate and affirm should be your mantra for a while now. It is not about agreeing with him...it is about recongizing that right or wrong this is how he feels...so he blames you..."I"m sorry you feel that way." NOT "I wish you didn't feel that way." MLC is about being selfish...he doesn't care what you wish.

You can do this IF YOU CHOOSE.

HUGS,
RCR