Don't Trade Our Love For Tea & Sympathy

[believing_isaiah43]

Muddle, thank you.

I agree with everything you said, and I have wondered about apologizing so much as he has stopped apologizing so much, and what good is all this repetitive behavior? He just keeps running around his personal Mt. Sinai, and I don't know that I can do 40 more years here in the wilderness.

I struggle daily with feeling like I am inauthentic, b/c I want to sit him down and tell him all the things he is NOT doing, can't he see it? blah blah. I don't, I won't, but I fight it daily. I swallow this bitter pill all the time.

He says he's forgiven me but can't forget it. I disagree. I do think I've forgiven (finally) the A. What hurts and what I have not forgiven, is the ongoing lack of effort in this R. It makes me bitter and pissed. He focuses on what he WANTS to, expends effort on what he WANTS to. That is not ME in any way.

He stays awake at night until 2-4 am, his own avoidance behavior that has continued since pre-A, during A, and post-A. He now doesn't face/touch me in bed, we just change who's-sleeping shifts for child-watching. No time spent together. I asked him a few nights ago to hang out, and we watched the 2nd half of a basketball game together, and he immediately left to work on his resume after it was over. No interaction, outside of discussing the game. No PLEASANT,fun, lighthearted interaction. I am TIRED of this.

My S6 is home sick today, and H's a$$ is in the bed which is why I'm not at the gym. I work tonight, so I'll have to sleep this afternoon. He is fine with leaving the kids basically unsupervised while he sleeps. I am not. I'm tired too. I TOO am depressed to the point of sleeping in every spare moment. Damn, but my resentment is large and stuffed down. And yes, we are both on meds to try to help this emotional crap. Imagine how bad it could be without it

Nothing changes, so nothing WILL change. I could just hit him for his INaction. This passivity about the R is ultimately destructive, I think. Hope I'm wrong.

I've now been working full time for a year as of 2/13; had to get a job b/c of his A, and subsequent firing. I had hoped it would not be permanent, but it appears to be, and perhaps this is part of my sadness/anger this week. Esp. if we don't stay M, my stay-at-home-with-children days are over, and I mourn that too.

Right now he seems trapped in a place where something is preventing him from doing so.

Amen, my friend. and I just want to POINT THAT OUT, YELL IT FROM ON HIGH TO HIM. But I cannot, and I am more frustrated than I could have ever imagined myself. I feel he is deflecting, and placing blame for his hurt on everything else. Yes I did what I did, BUT is his motto. It used to be my motto, so I see it SO clearly.