Don't Trade Our Love For Tea & Sympathy

[MuddleThrough]

I had a pamper-me evening. Soaked my feet and did a total pedicure on my tired tootsies. Felt great

Good for you. Taking time to care for yourself is great, and necessary. Glad you enjoyed it.

He is SO nowhere near capable of anything with me beyond what we are living. He's just DROWNING in his hurt, and again, I am a part and parcel of that hurt.

BI, you did what you did, way back when. You did what you thought was your best option back then. You hurt him then. Today he hurts himself with this knowledge. He makes himself miserable with the facts of the past. You are not hurting him still, he is using your past actions to hurt himself in the present. Just as you have done with the fact that he had the affair. It is a painful memory, but it can only hurt when the "victim" chooses to dwell on it.

And before I could even have a little comfort from that. . .

Perhaps you could forgive him to the point where you see him as an equal and not as someone who owes you a debt. Why do you find comfort in his acknowledging that he hurt you? Wouldn't you rather see the human awareness of the suffering he caused and the guilt and shame in his memory of it? Wouldn't you prefer he let go of this?

We ripped each other apart.

He really believes this - and it seems that it's not just something that happened in the past. You are continuing to resent and blame - it sounds like it's happening on both sides. There is enormous love in forgiveness - and forgiving is something that needs to happen on a regular basis. You have to forgive yourself as well as forgive him and vice versa. You can't do one without the other.

That he's so hurt that he can't move past it (implied: do anything about this R/M).

He's still in the past, the relationship is still there. The painful events play themselves over and over in his mind. I wonder if you could ask him what the biggest triggers are for him to keep it there. Maybe you could make a change that would allow the past to fall away. Perhaps you're living in the past too much yourself.

I validated, when I wanted to fcuking scream at him. I understood how he feels, apologized again ad nauseum for my part in his pain

I think this should be the last time you apologize. You conveyed your sincere remorse already. Things like this should not be held over another's head. Either he gets over it or he doesn't - it's his problem to deal with, and if he wants to make you a part of the solution, he can ask, but you can not solve this problem for him.

I want to scream from a mountain: I am a completely New wife, but you're too wrapped up in yourself, your pain, your hurt, you you you to See Me. And that's just me being selfish as well, perhaps. Me me me.

BI, you're doing great. You've come a long way, and you should be proud of all of it. It was an enormous struggle, and you are a better person for it. He IS too wrapped up in himself to see right now. He needs to rebuild himself and his life. Right now he seems trapped in a place where something is preventing him from doing so. So he looks to blame someone or something for his lack of progress. Give him time and space and don't take his problems personally.