Piecing Advice

[SDFoundGirl]

Turns out I *am* pissed. Big time. H and I had our first post-makeup "fight".

Background: in the past (yes, the past is dead, I know the past is dead, but I apparently am still walking on *some* eggshells...MC called it before I figured that out!!!)...oh yeah, in the past, H used to criticize me for being all casual when he came home or for wearing my sweats before bed to relax in. Now, I'm on my period (hence extra wonderful hormones on top of all of this), so I SO don't want to wear my cute jammies because I might ooze all over them (TMI) and I really just want to be in my comfy clothes.

SO, H is butt tired from work. I make dinner, I feel totally fine, clean up, then say, "Do you mind if I change into my yoga pants?" He says yes, me, remembering the past and all the sh!t asks, "Are you sure?" This goes back and forth a couple of times until H sighs and rolls his eyes.

I start to cry. H starts to whine about how tired he is, etc., and I start to think about how tired I was all summer long dealing with his crap. But what did I do? I dealt with it. Listened, supported, validated, and SUCKED IT UP.

Damn I was PISSSSSSSED! But, unlike old me, I just left the room, changed into my comfys, and then lay in the bed and cried to myself for a little while. I come out, and H is on edge and brings it all up when I'm ready to just let it drop until MC.

Long story short: apparently I really resent H for not at least doing what I did for him all summer long for one night. Apparently I'm still having a hard time trusting that what he tells me won't come back to haunt me if I take him at his word (old H). Apparently H doesn't get my feelings because, "What have the last 6 months been about?"

We talked for a while, and I tried to explain my feelings. I told him I need time and space like he did to work these feelings out because I basically had to shut up and give him what he needed for all of those months. I told him I didn't regret it or resent it, that I did it because that's what I had to do for our M, but that I now had to process all that had happened and have time to trust his changes.

We ended up cracking jokes, but that SD from the early DBing days is feeling really, really afraid. Tonight I wanted to be the WAS. I wanted to run, to live apart for a while, to let him figure a few things out the way I had as well.

So, I'm relieved and scared. I really believe H is in this, but there's that residue from this summer...and I don't know how to get rid of it any other way than to say, "Hey, look at that alien sludge sitting right there! Maybe we oughta clean it up?"

I freaking hate piecing. I wish I could just be as oblivious as H, as comfortable and happy in our R as he is. But apparently, it's my turn now.

Blah!

SD