Still pushing onwards!

[Heywyre]

One of my favorite sayings is "I might not be perfect but I am always me"

I like that one because (like popeye says) I yam what I yam. I know I'm not perfect but I try my best to be a decent person to everyone. I don't always succeed but I try and I think that's the main thing.

I know one thing, I can look in the mirror every morning knowing full well that I have nothing to be ashamed of

[whatisis]

I had an interesting decision to make today and wonder what people out there think. Saturday night is Chinese New Year's Eve and a night to go out for dinner with family. My W normally leaves the reservation to the last minute and frantically tries to find a restaurant. I know she's quite busy at work so I remembered a restaurant she really enjoys the food at so I called and made a reservation. If she has already made arrangements elsewhere I can cancel but if not then the job is done! I couldn't reach her to discuss it, so I did it. Now, is this something that will just reinforce her inadaquacy or will she see it as a relief? I'm not sure. Is this me rescuing her? Doing too much? Or is it a man who recognizes this occassion as a special one for the family and trying to keep it such? I thought maybe I should just cancel the res. and let her float her own boat BUT the good H and family man doesn't feel good about doing that. Any thoughts? I gotta run.

[stubborn]

what harm can it do? If she feels inadequate that's not YOUR problem just because you made reservations for your family on a special ocassion. (codependency anyone?)

Hopefully it just makes you look good and yes, you can cancel if by some miracle she comes through

[whatisis]

Thanks stubborn,
I did finally manage to reach her and asked if we were going out on Saturday night, she replied "yes, but I haven't got around to arranging anything, could you..." I said "I've already done it" and told her where and she replied "Good, but isn't it a bit expensive?" I said "Well, you enjoyed the food there last time so I thought it would be nice to go again" I told her about what I knew of the special menu for that night and again, she asked how much it would cost, so I gave her the phone number and suggested she call and discuss it with them. It's better she do it because of language. She sounded a bit flustered, I think she was in the middle of something, but said she would do it. So if she does and changes the res., no problem and if she doesn't call then tough nuggies! It's not outlandishly expensive, just a bit more than other restaurants, so either way I'm fine.
I don't even expect a thank you, so I won't be disappointed!!!

[Heywyre]

Good call Whatisis!! Had you not got a hold of her I guess you could have waited until she decided what needed to be done (being the res was already taken care of) and then, cancel it (without her knowing) if she was going to take a hissy fit

But that wasn't necessary and she seems pleased it was taken care of

[whatisis]

Thanks Heywyre, but this is all pretty normal for me. I have always looked out for things to support her in being able to do what she needs/wants to do. I took on a big chunk of the daily responsibilities while she was in school and holding down a f/t job. I just saw putting my own stuff aside to support her as a normal loving thing to do. I don't put me aside anymore but I still try to be helpful and caring. By taking care of this I was again trying to show that her cultural holiday is not just HER holiday but our family's holiday. She called at dinnertime to find out what time I was leaving, I had a church group meeting, I mentioned the restaurant again and she said she hadn't called and had, in fact, lost the number I gave her. I asked if she would like me to get it (why? if she wanted it wouldn't she have asked? ) she said OK. When I returned home tonight I have no idea whether she called or not and really, why the hell should I care? This is where I go a bit overboard, I've got to let her take care of things and if she doesn't, then tough! Anyway, as I predicted there was no "thanks for taking care of that" or anything else, sadly it's just taken for granted (or so it appears). I will just keep in mind that I did it for family, what she does with it is up to her.

[Heywyre]

Well, was she taking it for granted because you have always been there before doing all the little things she didn't have to do? If so, can you really call that being taken for granted? I only say that because I am guilty for doing that too - I think we all are to some degree. My H checks over my car every week to make sure the windshield fluid is full, check the oil , make sure its cleaned out (not that its all that dirty - he's just fussy) and to do general checks on it, tires and the such. But, do I ever say anything to him? No, I just assume that is what he has always done - however, I am now starting to say "thnk-you" for little things like that - why? because its common courtesy that I have taken for granted. I would do it if it was a stranger or someone else doing me a favor - why not the person I supposedly love?

We all get complacent - its a (very bad) human trait

[whatisis]

I guess it's just when the things I haven't done are held against me yet the ones I do and have always done are discarded, it bites! She uses my lack (as she experiences it) in certain areas to justify her A but gives no credit for the mounds of good things I do. But, that is to be expected when someone is trying to justify why she is tearing out the stitching of the family she loves. I also must recognize that I can't know why she is doing what she is doing as she is the one experiencing it, not I (if that makes sense) so it's best not to go there. So we'll just pretend we never had this conversation Goodnight!

[Heywyre]

Hold on now whatisis, you know, my mother was just like that. It didn't matter what I did, she always would point out all the things I didn't do. It seemed like I was never good enough, no matter what. It was very frustrating indeed. Unfortunately, I was never close to my mother and I am sure that is a huge part of the reason. How can you get close to someone that criticizes you all the time. We reconciled the best we could in the last couple of years of her life but it was never what I would call close. However, I am at peace that she did the best she could with the skills she had and perhaps that is the same with your wife. She is dealing with this stich the best she can with the tools in life that she has - doesn't mean what she is doing is right, but its all she knows.

Don't beat yourself up. Accept the good things about her and don't take the bad things to heart or personally. I know that is easier said than done but you are a good person, you know that, your kids know that, I am sure your friends think that - so rejoice in the love you have around you.

[whatisis]

Funny how I turned something nice I did into a source of negativity. It's an artform! Anyway, W did do something nice and unexpected today. Before I left for work she gave me a container of New Year's treats she had cooked to share with my workmates. Actually, she got my D9 to give it to me. I thanked W for the thoughtfulness before leaving. Sometimes just being thought of in return is even better than a thanks!