Don't Trade Our Love For Tea & Sympathy

[believing_isaiah43]

Always, Muddle, Ben, Hopeful, Cat

My thanks thanks thanks for dropping by this thread today. I sure needed the company!

Every time I think I see hope, or have a decent-ish day, I am treated to another (UNprovoked) discussion with H. Latest one just ended about 10 minutes ago, he went downstairs to pay bills: no kiss goodnight, and I cried alone and came here.

sigh.

He went to work out tonight, as usual, and I had a pamper-me evening. Soaked my feet and did a total pedicure on my tired tootsies. Felt great, then I curled up reading "Love & Respect". I started reading it waaaay pre-A, and stopped about 1/2way thru never to pick it up again. Picked it up a few weeks ago, and it's amazing the different perspective I have now, a year and a half later. It made sense before, but I am reading it now with completely new eyes, you know?

And while I thought it was perhaps a bit foolish to be reading this particular book, in light of having almost zero R with my H except that he's in the house, I have some innate (stupid?) hope/optimism at my core, in the face of all that is Not. I still hope for what Might Be. Anyway, I figured any insight into a good R will benefit me later/in another life/at some point, if not now.

So I was reading wonderful ideas, having some crazy hope, and feeling peaceful that God is in charge and surely he would be charging in on His white horse sooner than later, so that I could put into practice fully all the stuff I was reading about.

And then H came home.

He is SO nowhere near capable of anything with me beyond what we are living. He's just DROWNING in his hurt, and again, I am a part and parcel of that hurt.

He used to acknowledge his 'sin' against me, with no caveats, but now they are always in place. He said you know, when I had the A I hurt you deeply, your womanhood in a way I couldn't even understand. And before I could even have a little comfort from that, he continued, but when you turned me in, you hurt me deeply as a man. My life is over, I have to rebuild. I have no identity as a man b/c of the loss of job, dignity etc. We ripped each other apart. That he's so hurt that he can't move past it (implied: do anything about this R/M).

I validated, when I wanted to fcuking scream at him. I understood how he feels, apologized again ad nauseum for my part in his pain, etc. And I said that nothing I said or did could change what happened, or how he felt about it. That I would change things if I could but I cannot. And that either God can raise the dead, or He can't. That His promises are true, or they aren't. You know? I am trying like crazy to be/show/act respectful, or else why am I reading this book? My voice is not tense and b!tchy (i.e. Old Me) and actually soft enough that he asked me several times to repeat what I had said (which probably just irritated him)

I want to scream from a mountain: I am a completely New wife, but you're too wrapped up in yourself, your pain, your hurt, you you you to See Me. And that's just me being selfish as well, perhaps. Me me me.

Sh!t, people. My bad action is equal to his, in his mind, and he's quit working to rebuild, repair, or make any effort outside of pleasantries and co-parenting. And he's looking to find a job away from here (if it's God's will) to escape from the daily torture of seeing people, and he wants me to come along for more of the same? Fcuk that, screams my inside self.

But I'm being quiet outwardly. Inside, I'm screaming at God to Help Me, and work it all out as He sees fit, as I know that Now is not the time for ultimatums or whatnot about the R. Maybe it never will be, but I do know that I will not be going across the fcuking street with this man unless God makes it very clear with a roadmap and some movement toward me from H. Well, maybe not a roadmap, but some clear direction, you know?

I did say, somewhere in this unprovoked discussion, that if it weren't for the children, I know you would not still be here. And he didn't say a word. ::screaming silently:::