when you use that parenting scolding tone, that disapproving voice, you shut out their own inner voice. By attacking their choices/behavior, you force them to defend them, instead of examining them
Absolutely true, and absolutely hard as hell not to do it. Well put. Thanks for reminding me of this!
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Thanks Grace - its tough wanting to see a glimmer of hope only to be clobbered again
we'll keep on keeping on though
Hang tough !
me - 47 H - 50 /49 when bomb happened Daughter 17 years old married 21 years together 26 years Bomb August 06 H still at home 'I love you but not in love with you'
Do you know who your real H is, the one you looked at in the eyes, the day you said I do, the one you looked at in the eyes the day that Hannah was born.
the one in between all those years that said I love you and smiled and hugged you.
The person you saw and Christmas time, and the person that you see now, it the MLCer, they are many people in one. They have to have a mask on for everything, that is why they nap so much, they are so tired of living this way.
Now, today, it does not matter, who he is going to be.
When you start questioning all these things they do, and who they are, and who are they going to be, and are they coming over, are they with someone, are they lying to me, and so on.
Once you get into the panic mode of questioning, you are not detached enough sweet heart.
He said it was all an act on Christmas, oh who cares, let his say what he wanted. They need to hear themselves speak.
Enjoy the moments, let the crap they say roll off your back
easier said then done, hell yes.
I'm stuck in the funk, over what Puffy says, before it used to be for weeks, not i give it no more than 24 hours,
my friend Jack, and I discuss how much faster we jump back now.
You will too. I promise.
It is Vday today, and emotions are all over the place.
Focus a little more on you ok, you have to take care of your heart now sweetheart, your H is unable to take care of himself, let alone take care of your feelings.
Enjoy your daughter today
We have many more sweethearts in this world than we usually let ourselves believe we have.
(((((((((HUGS))))))))))
“Pray as though everything depended on God. Work as though everything depended on you.”
your H is both the man you knew and the man you see b/c he is very conflicted. The real question is who will he be when he comes out of the MLC IF he does indeed get out of it and not stay stranded in his self absorbed angst filled existence.
Also recall the warning about: Don't believe anything they say, and only half of what they DO. So whatever he said about Christmas--who knows? Who cares? Haven't you ever wanted to slap his face? Is that the "real you"? In part. But you didn't act on it. Unfortunately he is acting on all his negative urges, has no mouth filter, and is filled with blame/anger for whatever he thinks is missing from his life.
Let it roll off your back. Some MLCers test us or threaten divorce every other day BUT NEVER FILE....so you have to just Not keep obsessing/taking temp' of H every 5 minutes. You were right to see that and I think you are "getting" the whole DB concept.
I hear what you mean about the "real" H though. In my stage now, I find myself wondering how he could be the man I married, AND the idiot selfish man of the past 2 years, until recently. Since September he has said things I need to hear, acted more like the man I married/dated, and we are moving towards each other (went to Hawaii last week without the kids--excellent). Yet I still wonder at times. I KNOW FOR A FACT that I would NEVER have left our my children for any amount of money or search for truth, advancement, blah blah blah...So, I am working on depersonalizing this as I suggest you do. This is not about you. But you do have to work on YOU, for you.
You may have to eventually accept something, that you will not ever understand. That's hard. Even with forgiveness, I find it cognitively difficult to reconcile my feelings of forgiveness and love, with my amazement at his past behavior. But I am working on it, and maybe we are not meant to "understand" everything. Maybe, like faith, we are meant to make a leap and forgive that which we cannot even comprehend.
j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hi there - overall it was a good week I had a little bit of a meltdown this morning ( in private ) but I was able to bounce back faster than I ever have before
I am unemployed and this DBing is valuable with helping me with my self esteem and self worth I am trying to focus on ANYTHING I can find that is good and ok right now I got some nibbles on some jobs I applied for today and I actually have a phone interview scheduled next week !
I am finding it difficult relating to friends who are in new relationships right now One friend in particlar is in a brand new releationship and I find myself being very negative around her It does not make me feel great about myself as I know I should be happy for her I feel like I am being a bad friend I'm trying to stay away from her when I'm feeling very low as that seems to be the time when I get that way - its complicated because I have only chosen to share whats happening at home with a few friends - the ones I know that will support my efforts to try to keep my M - this person will not agree with me DBing - I am sure of it - and I hear the way she talks abou others in my situation - it just gets so toxic and it is not a haven for me
I need to GAL with teh support of people who understand me right now - it is easier not to tell everyone - for now anyway especially since H is still home and I hope it stays that way
Anyway - keep on keeping on folks HMOM
Thanks for checking in with me
me - 47 H - 50 /49 when bomb happened Daughter 17 years old married 21 years together 26 years Bomb August 06 H still at home 'I love you but not in love with you'
HannahsMom, Just catching up on your thread. I am amazed at the strength I see in your posts compared to where I started. All I can say is "WOW"...I know you don't always feel it....but, you are strong!
You and I have many similarities in our threads:
Long term Marriage (26 years in my case)
Spouse still at home
Apparently no OP in the mix
Teenage kids at home
You can see in my signature block below that I am a H whose W is pursuing D...although she has done very little to move it forward in the 6 months since the bomb.
Here are some things I found VERY important (in addition to all the great advice you have gotten already about GAL, etc):
As painful as it is, living in the same house is a powerful advantage. If asked, do not agree to leave! My W has taken up residence in an adjacent bedroom for the last 6 months while I stay in our MBR. I have made it clear that she is welcome to come back into the MBR when she is ready (not likely any time soon)
Do not do anything to move the D forward. If H pursues D, only respond when you have to...taking as long as is allowed. In other words, delay..delay..delay (without irritating your H if possible) "Time" is your friend!
Show your spouse "unconditional love" with "random acts of kindness" without any expectations in return.
As a part of GAL, set specific goals for yourself in the areas of Spiritual, Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, and Social (DB Coach Vernetta shared this with me...she is awesome!)
Do NOT overanalyze! I am still working on this...it is hard not to try to "connect the dots" between every little positive or negative thing that your S does and try to project a trend! The Rollercoaster image does not accurately depict what is going on in our sitches because these "cars" aren't even on a track!
None of us have any guarantees in how our sitches will turn out...but, my friends (your friends) on this board have helped me get to a place where I know that I have a bright future in front of me regardless of the outcome...if our spouses choose to join us...even better!
BTW - I think the fog has started to clear a bit for my W in the last couple of weeks. She asked me to sit down and talk with her one week ago (the first time since the bomb)...and we talked for over 3 hours. Since that time, its back to the usual...giving her "time and space" and working on me...while God works on her.
I'll pray for you and your H and daughter. Take care and keep up the great DBing/GALing!
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
faithful had some good points, I especially like the overanalyzing....you can paralyze yourself with it (or mind reading). Good luck on the interview, at least you getting some hits! Question regarding the friend, why are you friends? If it's toxic....maybe letting it go? I have a friend in a new R and sometimes it's a little sad for me, but I just tell her (she knows my sitch) and then we move along. Just a thought. Have a great weekend.
Not too many people understand what we are going through. Until you have walked in our shoes -- type of thing. Many of my friends just want me to dump the H. When you kids involved it is not that easy. Even if you don't have kids you still have all those beautiful memories. This is such a wonderful resource with wonderful people.
It sounds like you are doing fabulous. I am so proud of you.
Me: 45 H: 43 Married: 19 years Dated 05 years Bomb: 11/06 OW - "I love her, but still want you as my friend"
