I had a busy 4-5 days with school stuff for D7 but today I should have time to play, as she was up all night vomiting.
BTDT. Hope you get some rest.
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I have thought alot about this and realized that everything I did, sexually, was so calculated. I didn't even realize it then but it was. I had lots of practice in doing a lesser version of Corri's Tease but, sis, it was all to 'prove' something. Or to elicit a reaction--any reaction--from MrH. I thought I was doing it out of love at the time, or desire, but I can see clearly now that there was an ulterior motive lurking..always. There is no doubt in my mind that he saw and felt it too.
[nod, and nod some more] This feeds LD. Not to place blame, but everything we do as a 'couple' feeds one another. You put garbage in, you get garbage out. Not that you were giving garbage, just a saying.
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So now I'm left with accessing my true, real sexual desire FOR HIM. (there was nothing fake about my desire for him, before, but it had a large drama component to it and I'm struggling without it)
No, you are not struggling in the face of 'lack of drama.' You are just floundering in growth. Pesky stuff, that. Now you know. It's what shrinks refer to as 'cognitive dissonance.' That period of confusion before the 'aha' moment. You know the 'aha' moment is coming, but the discomfort of actually 'knowing' before it hits is what causes the angst.
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Things have been good lately. I feel desire and he's been good at not going beta on me. Even just thinking about sex regularly keeps me revved. The different and bizarre thing is having to make a conscious effort to do so instead of my brain just being flooded with em.
I'm sure this is a mix of you finding your 'womanlyness' and the ebb and flow of your body chemistry. I have to tell you, in the chemical haze of a new R, I know the feeling of an HD woman. But my normal 'state' is one where feeling, or 'emotion' always preceeds physical. It can be quite frustrating, when your mind and heart are ready, but your body isn't quite the same anymore (in terms of the HD quality of which you speak).
But, to me, this is the essence of being a 'woman.' When you tap the emotional, first, and then the body follows, for it allows you to invite your man to 'play' with you, no strings attached. You wander off into the field together, and become excited by all the things you find together, with no written agenda beforehand. There is a classic, CLASSIC song by White Stripes, and if you can find it, play it. It's called "We're Going to Be Friends." It was the theme song to Napolean Dynamite, but... minus the 'geeky' reference, it is the epitome of what I think we all seek with our spouse, minus the children, the mortgage, the stress... all the shite.
Karen and Julie, and a side of MoJo, are noticing it, too. The Womanly Arts. I sent this to a friend, and perhaps, with the castle story, etc., you will 'get' what I'm talking about with the whole teasing thing, and no agneda.
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I've come to *experience* that I have to let a man be the man. I can pick up the reigns and run with it, if I have to, but this whole competing business doesn't get me where I want to be, and it sure as he!! is a much more pleasant experience when I take the subdued and gentle approach. I'm standing still. As soon as I did that.. wow, how things changed. Almost immediately. Don't know how to describe all this, except that I've found, for the first time, the 'knowingness' that I am amazing at being a woman. As a woman, I set the tone for everything. The woman is in charge of the Relationship. It has nothing to do with the 'running' of things... though, that can, at times, be part of it... it is my emotion, my stability, my faith, my 'aura', my smile, my encouragement, my quiet strength, my softness, my laughter, my attitude, the confidence I have in myself as a woman, a sex partner, a mother and a friend... that sets the tone for the entire R. Even when I am tired, even when I am sad, even when I have hit bottom, I am still all those things. It is my inner light as a woman. It is always there, if I just let it be there. If I am busy competing, (or demanding, or have some other agenda of my own) my light dims. Doesn't work.
That White Stripes song has very special meaning to me, btw. I've given it to one person, in my life. It's quite a thing, to be able to ask someone to come play with you, whether they can or not. When you can do that, with a smile on your face, and give them room to say yes or no, as is their want, and still go about your day, regardless of their answer... it is a wonderful, wonderful, thing.
H and I exchanged valentine's cards yesterday and I was blown away by his choice. It was a blatantly sexual card--not romantic at ALL--and he had written a bunch of...well, what amounts to a sexual invitation on the inside. I was so stunned that I just crammed it back in the envelope and sat there. I said thank you, of course, but my reaction was just utter speechlessness...blown away. I regrouped a bit and thanked him properly. Then D7 wanted to see the card and read (out loud) the words "getting it on" before I snatched it away from her. (chrome, yeah I know I gotta chill out..still I'm not ready for that)
Normally his cards can be sorted into two categories: sappy or religious. I got him a card that was neither romantic or religious, one of those totally forgettable middle of the road deals. However, I wrote a lot of praising, admiring junk on the inside which I know he loves and happens to be the truth, anyway.
So I've read and re-read my valentine's day card a LOT. It was so out of character for him! I mentioned this when he got home but I tried to do it in a way that didn't make him feel silly. I was reading the memoirs of Gene Wilder (don't ask how I arrived at that book, it was a circuitous route) and in it he described a woman he dated who had a weird style of speaking to him--"she complimented me and belittled me at the same time". I thought, Eureka! I do that!
I'm going to try reallllllllly hard to never do this again.
Anyway, MrH(ot) is completely throwin me for a loop. I love it. Not knowing what to expect appeals to the type 7 in me. I mean, what's next...lingerie?? I couldn't count how many flannel nightgowns I've received from VS because I asked for lingerie and he chickened out once he tried to purchase it and bought some granny lookin confection. If he continues on the path he's on, I'm predicting lingerie by my birthday.
Corri, thank you for the "light dims" snippet. How true. I don't think women can fully understand this until they live it..try both ways and see what happens. It takes a strong guy to weather these tests but what a reward he gets in the end.
HP, I too got a shocker for a VD card from MrsGGB. In the past she always got me the over the top sappy ones. This year she got one that says "It's Valentines Day! What do you say we put on some soft music..." and in the inside inside it says "...and nothing else" and it plays "let's spend the night together" . The kids have NOT seen it, LOL (besides, S14 would probably have taken it apart on the spot for the electronic thingy in it). That, and she woke me up with BJ which is totally out of character.
I'm not sure what came over her , but I sure as heck ain't complaining. (it has been a dry spell here for a while, combined with her totally blowing off the NFP this month, and several inferences lately that she didn't really care for LM and was just doing it because it was what she thought I wanted)
but my reaction was just utter speechlessness...blown away.
LOL. I think we are both in a weird adjustment phase in our relationships. The latest "out of character" in a good way thing that my H did was he noticed that the knob/latch mechanism was malfunctioning on an ancient set of french doors in our house. He took it apart and fixed it. Then he showed off his work to me obviously looking for Dr. Laura's third ingredient of "admiration". I think I did a good job of offering what he was looking for although I was thinking "Who are you and what have you done with Mr. Wilson?".
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Honey, I loved the Gene Wilder autobiography. His life with Gilda-- holy cow! I'm so glad he wound up with a nice, normal woman and now has a regular life.
I thought it was very interesting that he didn't buy his first condom until after his mother died. The smothering mom of course makes me think of my bf's mom.
Lillie, You know, I came away from that book feeling very disturbed. I expected to really like him and I just didn't! Still, I found it to be a pretty compelling read and read it in one night.
I don't recall particularly liking him either... I was glad he could come out of the closet on Gilda's craziness. She was up on the cancer-victim survivor crusader pedestal for so long-- as though she was just this whimsical, madcap, fun person, but she was pretty nuts... she was a remarkable person, but very troubled. And I was glad he was able to connect with someone more normal and mature in his later years.
I guess I was waiting...all throughout the book...for some sign that he had learned some important life lesson and I was disappointed in that regard. I saw a person who basically runs off when things get tough (personally. professionally I think he has a completely different approach, one that's admirable.) No real internal strength to admire, and I really hated how lightly he took fatherhood.
However, I agree that his life now seems normal, whatever that is, lol, and for that I am happy for him.
Honeypot, who is actually worried that gene wilder reads SSM and might run across the fact that I didn't like his book and then I'd feel bad for my brutal honesty. Nutz! And yes, hairdog, I realize that I have now opened my thread to hoardes of trolls who will now impersonate GW.
