Karen, thanks for your posts. I'm confident that time will bring the objectivity that I need to see the patterns in my R with H.
The suffering aspect you speak of for the person who has done the wrong is their inability to accept the consequences of their actions
I disagree. Suffering can equate simply to enduring, it doesn't necessarily relate to how the person handles the suffering. I might agree that certain ways of handling the suffering might indicate an inability to accept consequences, but not the suffering in and of itself.
I'm curious to know why you ask your H for permission to take your kids to an event, and then allow him to control whether or not they accompany you?
Isn't that the courteous thing to do? If you wanted to take your kids somewhere, did you just disappear or did you discuss it with your H first? I agreed not to take them if he didn't want me to because I just don't want to create additional problems right now. And there would be additional problems. He has family here, he could technically take the kids all day on a Saturday and just leave. I would appreciate if he didn't do that, so I'm trying not to open any doors that he would see as 'oh, you wanna play that way, I can play that way, etc'. Like I said, it's always escalation between H and I when we disagree. If I insist on my way, I'm usually sorry in the end.
Power play. You are now making him responsible for the future of the M.
Yeah, he's 50% responsible to be exact. Why on earth would it not be entirely plausible to say 'H, I will not stay in this R with you any longer unless you agree to MC'. Why would that not be considered a boundary? He has free will in this example and so do I.
What does being a victim or a martyr feel like, do you think?
When I think of a physical abuse victim, I think of someone who did nothing to bring about her abuse. I've done plenty to foster the abusive environment in my house and to cry and play victim and pretend to be innocent would be a lie. You wouldn't know it was a lie, but I would, so I would know if I truly felt like a victim or not. I would think a martyr consistently feels like they have to do everything becasue nobody can do it as good as they can. I don't recall ever feeling that way about anything, even at work. I'd much rather be lazy than do it all
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
