I think that it is very important to note that the consistency should be a prerequisite to the step of meeting her wants and needs because HD shouldn't be trying to meet her wants/needs in order to get more sex. This will only lead to resentment or escalation.
NOP didn't meet Mrs. NOPs wants and needs to get more sex. They were separate issues, and I think they both had to work toward that understanding, if I remember correctly. And just as Mrs. NOP realized the effects her LDness was having on NOP, NOP also recognized how his minimizing her wants and needs was hurting her equally. If I remember correctly, they both accepted responsibility, equally, for the state to which their M had gone, even if they were 'guilty' of different behaviors.
Don't want to speak too much for either one of them, but I think I am remembering this correctly.
I think both things are true. For instance, I think my H was "hurt" by my neglect of my appearance and I did have a responsibility to remedy that. My point is that the pendulum of whose needs/wants are being most adequately addressed can swing fully in both directions in both practical (adding or subtracting value)and psychological (adding or subtracting validation)ways. If HD is able to seek sex simply for the value it offers rather than the validation it offers then he will be able to value it accurately in terms of other "lifestyle" choices. He will be able to consider rationally whether an extra blow job a week is worth an extra 1/2 hour commute a day.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Here's another way to look at it. MsHD said she "wanted" a million dollars in response to HD's statement that he "wanted" sex once a week. Maybe HD should have said "Well, if I give you a million dollars will you have sex with me?". That is the problem with mixing resentment with sex but sucking out the romantic validation. You're left with simple cash/time/effort for sex transaction.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Chrom: you asked what I would do if she agreed to have sex, but was all "get your physical release here" about it. I don't want to predict that sort of behavior from her. All it would do is overlay even more anxiety about it than is already there. In other words, I'll burn that bridge when I come to it.
Thanks for the kudos, HP.
And Mojo, I'm going to be very wary of stepping into the quid pro quo mire. I am trying very hard to avoid any appearance of that sort of "transaction."
I don’t think a comparison between HD’s situation and the NOP’s is valid. I am not aware of NOPkins ever feeling like he was a “chicken.” He can be quite confrontational when it is called for. I suspect Mrs Nop is well aware of this.
MRsHD is different. She can intimidate HD and she knows it. This whole mindset will be difficult to turn around, and I don’t think she will relinquish power without a fight. Eventually I think she will be fine with it, but at first I think HD challenging her will casue a lot of anxiety and anger in her. He needs to be mentally prepared to take this on. NOP never had to prepare himself for this.
I don't know that I'd ever consider NOP a chicken either, but if you ever go back and read his earliest posts, you'd see a most frustrated, man-at-the-end-of-his-rope poster.
Just because NOP wasn't 'chicken' doesn't mean he didn't have his own trials in finding his way. There were times he was very, very close to giving up. Ask him.
We all have our personal challenges to overcome, as you are well aware. So I do see a comparison of NOP and HD most valid... NOP hung with it, stayed consistent, and found what worked for him. Just as HD is doing.
Quote:
NOP never had to prepare himself for this.
You wanna bet? He most certainly did. He even got a plate of food thrown at him.
NOP tends to be a man of few words these days, getting directly to the point. But I wasn't kidding when I commented to him on another thread that there was a time when he was much more liberal with his thoughts and feelings, and he's a pretty doggone good writer, too. He has moved on to other things in his life, and hence does not spend as much time here... but when the man sets to expressing himself, he can be quite loquacious.
The interesting thing that I do find is that while our man HD has been fighting his inner battle over what to do about this situation. She reports thinking that everything was going well in the relationship.
Of course she would! As long as HD is not doing anything to agitate her, then in her opinion, everything is fine. As long as Hairdog doesn’t challenge the Big Dog, there is nothing to worry about.
Corri,
I did read Nop’s posts long ago. I remember his frustration. I don’t recall the plate incident as being anything scary for him, or causing him to check his actions first. I recall he was rather indignant about it, but it seemed to set his determination.
I’m not sure how the old Hairdog would have reacted to that. I think he would have backed down. I hope the new Hairdog would get majorly P.O.’d and let her know it.
