Journey of a Happy Heart

[neli]

Happy Valentine's Day..

[I_Still_Love_Him]

Hi Nicola,

Sorry I haven't been here much. I won't hijack your thread with what's going on with me.

Thanks for posting your conversation with Jim Conway. I had been thinking about calling him to give me some things to think and work on with my sitch as I've been feeling like I just want to give up on my sitch so I think I will make a call.

There are so many positives in your sitch that I feel that giving up is not the answer for you right now. Your H is still scared and he still needs to figure himself out so continue to give him his space.

Women tend to think out loud; men don't. Conway said that this is why women are always shocked when men leave, and when they come back! He will not say anything till he knows his own mind.

"And when they come back" - Hang onto that thought. I do believe that your H is wanting assurances that you still have feelings for him. I also like some of Jim's strategies although I find it difficult suggesting reading material as the WAS tends to get defensive. What if you happened to keep the book laying around where he will see it and may pick it up. Then you can offer to let him read it if he wants to.

If he brings up D: "If you want the D, then I can make you stay."

Can you explain this.

He probably says things to keep his distance, but doesn't take legal steps because he doesn't want to leave the M, but he's afraid that things won't change -> leverage

This confirms that he is still confused and is not really sure that he is making the right decision.

I think you should start working on the strategies Jim suggested. You need to get your H noticing you again especially since there doesn't appear to be OW; so much easier.

Sounds like you had a great LOVE DAY. So happy.

Hugs,

[lovingme]

I am thinking she meant to put that she can't make him stay. At least that is what I thought when I read it the first time.

[princess_nic]

ROFL!! That was a typo about "make him stay"! Christy was right--I meant can't . I guess I could duct tape him to the bed or something!

Hope: Jim said that what concerns him about my sitch is that it's been going on so long--at least 5 years, maybe more. So that's why he wanted to be sure that H is getting help for depression. I've thought that H was depressed for about 10 years (since D's birth), but he kept denying it. I think depression is always an issue in MLC--from what I've read--but men who are just plain depressed go through so many of the same feelings, just a little earlier.

I want to post more but I have to go--weather is bad and I have to leave a little earlier for work. Unfortunately, it's not bad enough to not go in.

[lovingme]

Be careful Nic!

[Tamashii]

I guess I could duct tape him to the bed or something!

Dang! Conway never told me that one! :-)

My W is the 'doesn't think out loud' type. We are stereotypical opposites: she has the typical man's role and I the typical woman's.

I was shocked when she left. Will I be shocked when she returns?

David

[princess_nic]

David - I sure hope you will be--and me, too.

I wanted to post a bit more about yesterday. When I posted about V-Day, I was in a really good mood. Unfortunately, that changed quickly (as it will when dealing with an MLCer). However, I did turn my mood around, using what I'd just talked to Conway about--details to follow:

I had my first wine-appreciation class yesterday, but I'd told H (who was going to be with the kids) that I wasn't going to go b/c of the weather. In the end, it wasn't as bad as I thought and the kids were fighting like crazy, so I decided to go. I called H and asked him if he could babysit after all, but I understood if he'd made other plans b/c I told him I wasn't going to go. Well, lo and behold, he had indeed made other plans. On Valentine's Day. He didn't elaborate.

I said, "No problem" on the phone and he said he'd still come by "for a few seconds" b/c he had stuff for the kids.

Well, you can imagine what a great mood I was in after that! All I could think about was him going out to a romantic dinner with some ow, while I stayed home w/ bickering, over-sugared kids. I had been thinking of giving him the cold shoulder when he came over, but then I re-read what I had just written down WRT my talk w/ Conway. I thought back to when we first met, and he had a couple of other girls interested in him. Was I bitchy and jealous around him? Oh no no no...I turned on the charm. So that's what I did.

I was still wearing the red velvet, but I redid my make-up and hair, and put on perfume. Then I dug out a very funny, anti-Valentine's card to give him. I thought I wouldn't, but then decided it would be a little flirty, which is a good thing. When he got here, I was upbeat and charming, but let him open his things with the just the kids. He laughed at the card and thanked me, then made a funny face and apologized for not getting me anything! I said it was ok, as I hadn't expected anything; I just saw the card and thought it was funny. Then, he kissed me (on the cheek of course) and said "Happy V-Day." We chatted a very short while about the sex sermon series at church, which he thought was pretty cool (hey doesn't hurt for him to get sex on the brain when he's around me!). And then off the went.

As it turned out, my dad came to babysit, since my mum went to course with me. It was fun, BTW, and I'm glad I wasn't sitting at home thinking about H w/ another woman (if that's even what he was doing).

I did a lot of flirting with H early in this sitch, but I've dropped off b/c it didn't seem to get me anywhere. But maybe it was just too soon. It seemed to have a good effect yesterday, and it was fun--it fits with my personality. If he was w/ anyone else, I'm sure she couldn't compare, lol!

I'll see him again tonight because he will be the kids since I have choir. I'll see how I can fit my new flirting plan in again!

[COG]

Nic,

I just can't say enough about how well you are playing this game. I can't wait to see how everything unfolds for you.

I think your idea about flirting is a good one. Try it for awhile and see what happens.

I thought back to when we first met, and he had a couple of other girls interested in him. Was I bitchy and jealous around him? Oh no no no...I turned on the charm.

Great point! I came to that realization a couple of years ago too. It definately helped my sitch. In fact, it's a good reminder to me for my current sitch. I'm gonna turn up the heat a little in the COG house.

God Bless,

COG

[mermaid]

Nicola

I have Jim say to be flirty before but I have a little trouble with this when they are involved with ow. I guess it has to be fun and not desperate. I guess in small doses.

Also I am wondering what concerns him about the length of time. I thought mlc typically took this long anyway. I ask this because I think my h has battled depression since I have known him. It could very well be that he has really been depressed since we got married so his perception may be correct but in the wrong way.

[lovingme]

Sounds great Nicola and you are definitely right on that no one can compare to you. Your h knows this he is just to much of an alien right now to admit it ore realize it.

Love ya!