Things are at least smoother today. I did my homework, reading page 139 of DR numerous times to reinforce the material and commit it to memory. Part of the challenge is to intelligently apply the material.
A big plus in using a DB Coach is third party perspective. I can see now how I almost singlehandedly caused my M to go the direction its gone. Therefore, I can most likely turn it around singlehandedly. Just by doing those things recommended by Jody.
One big thing was to look at what the W does as opposed to what she says. She is speaking from hurt, disappointment, frustration and anger. These are emotions/feelings my actions created. Its only reasonable to think my actions can therefore reverse to some extent the damage done. How much can it be reversed? Only God knows. I'm committed to doing my best, that's all I can do.
Another advantage to speaking with a DB Coach is nothing you say is too much or impossible. They have heard it all and as much as I think my experience is unique, its not. In light of this, Jody was able to point out numerous positives in my situation that I just couldn't see as I'm too close and can only 'see' what she is saying to me, rather than look at what she is doing. There is great truth in believing nothing they say at this point and only half of what you see. In my case, believing nothing and only paying attention to what I see radically altered my POV.
For instance, as Jody pointed out, W is still home, she has not filed, she sleeps in the same bed as I do, there is no real affection yet she makes dinner for me whenever I'm home, buys things she knows I will like/appreciate, she has had 4 kids with me, she has never left, she has put up with being interrogated sometimes non-stop by me yet never waivered in her committment to our vows, (even though a natural reaction to such treatment would have been to say, since you think I'm up to something and so bad I might as well start acting that way), she does call and let me know what she is doing, she does try to do things with me during the day before I go to work as well as on those nights when I'm off. She continues to be a great mother and works with me in co-parenting, making sure we are always on the same page with regards to the kiddies.
As Jody said, she sounds like a great girl..... I could kick myself for what I have done. Jody said not to dwell on that and to get working towards my goals. Focus my energy and need for affection/connection on my kids. At this point my W just can't trust me that my changes are permanent and my impatience during my DB'ing efforts only reinforced that doubt. So rather than let it build than backslide, focus that effort into building relationships with my children. Not so coincidentally treating a mothers children, (particularly a mom as devoted to her kiddies as my W), is the fastest way to soften her heart.
At least then we can start with being great friends again and that is the first building block of a great R.
