Tyler - any updates? Dude, don't be so hard on you. I'm following your sitch and though they are emotional times for you, as an outsider, I see progress. Do you need the clues pointed out?
Me - 43 and She -36. No kids. Married 7 yrs - Together 14 yrs
Any help would be greatly appreciated. I have to be honest. I have thought recently that if all I'm going to do is bring in the money, pay the bills and help with the kids..., then I can do that with a lot less pain if I just don't expect anything from her. Basically a D would make all this crap a simple business transaction. Here is your money, good bye, see you next pay period.
I would have the same exact expectations of her that I would have some business woman I'm dealing with. Here is your money, I don't expect to hear an ILY, receive any affection or appreciation from a business transaction. It just is what it is.
I'm just hurting so bad right now. I have stayed away because reading anything here just gives hope, reading DR just gives hope. No hope? No pain.
Regardless, I'm back on the boards now because I do want to look for a sliver of hope/light. I had an incredible flu, lost almost 20 pounds, couldn't even keep water down. Maybe that contributed to my struggle with staying positive? Don't know, but I really would like to get on track.
I just seem to be in a funk right now and either don't want to or simply can't pull out of it.
I had my first of three phone consultations with DB Coach Jody today.
I know she has to be shaking her head after hearing my situation. I really have messed up, yet she pointed out numerous reasons to think and feel very positive about my situation.
I came away with much hope and resolution.
I don't know if I can save my marriage as that's not totally up to me. I do know I can put a lot more effort into nuturing my relationships with my children, being a great friend to my W, I have a handle on my game plan and I'm willing to go to work.
I really should have done the phone consultation thing much sooner.
Always better late than never. Keep it up Tyler, hang tough
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Things are at least smoother today. I did my homework, reading page 139 of DR numerous times to reinforce the material and commit it to memory. Part of the challenge is to intelligently apply the material.
A big plus in using a DB Coach is third party perspective. I can see now how I almost singlehandedly caused my M to go the direction its gone. Therefore, I can most likely turn it around singlehandedly. Just by doing those things recommended by Jody.
One big thing was to look at what the W does as opposed to what she says. She is speaking from hurt, disappointment, frustration and anger. These are emotions/feelings my actions created. Its only reasonable to think my actions can therefore reverse to some extent the damage done. How much can it be reversed? Only God knows. I'm committed to doing my best, that's all I can do.
Another advantage to speaking with a DB Coach is nothing you say is too much or impossible. They have heard it all and as much as I think my experience is unique, its not. In light of this, Jody was able to point out numerous positives in my situation that I just couldn't see as I'm too close and can only 'see' what she is saying to me, rather than look at what she is doing. There is great truth in believing nothing they say at this point and only half of what you see. In my case, believing nothing and only paying attention to what I see radically altered my POV.
For instance, as Jody pointed out, W is still home, she has not filed, she sleeps in the same bed as I do, there is no real affection yet she makes dinner for me whenever I'm home, buys things she knows I will like/appreciate, she has had 4 kids with me, she has never left, she has put up with being interrogated sometimes non-stop by me yet never waivered in her committment to our vows, (even though a natural reaction to such treatment would have been to say, since you think I'm up to something and so bad I might as well start acting that way), she does call and let me know what she is doing, she does try to do things with me during the day before I go to work as well as on those nights when I'm off. She continues to be a great mother and works with me in co-parenting, making sure we are always on the same page with regards to the kiddies.
As Jody said, she sounds like a great girl..... I could kick myself for what I have done. Jody said not to dwell on that and to get working towards my goals. Focus my energy and need for affection/connection on my kids. At this point my W just can't trust me that my changes are permanent and my impatience during my DB'ing efforts only reinforced that doubt. So rather than let it build than backslide, focus that effort into building relationships with my children. Not so coincidentally treating a mothers children, (particularly a mom as devoted to her kiddies as my W), is the fastest way to soften her heart.
At least then we can start with being great friends again and that is the first building block of a great R.
Last night my W went to church as she does every Wednesday. I was working. She called when she got out to say she was going to a friends house and to let her know when I get out of work so we can meet up somewhere for a soda and snack.
In the past I would have told her to just stay with her friend as that is "probably what you would prefer to do, I know you don't want to spend time with me", or something similar. Instead I kept Jody's advice in mind, don't worry so much about what she is saying, look at what she is doing. So..., she wants to make time to see me since she is near where I work sans kiddies and there is no school Thursday or Friday, she can stay out a bit since she won't have to get up early.
So I went with it. We met for a quick snack and soda at McDonalds. One of the things Jody asked me is, "what does she like to do?" I told her that in all honesty, she just likes to do anything. She is just as happy going to Orchestra hall as she is sitting and having a coke at McDonalds. To her its all just time together, with adults and relaxing with no kids making demands and such.
I followed Jody's advice to the letter. Light, recreational type conversation. I could feel that she was tense, on edge just waiting for something negative, but I didn't let it happen. She visibly relaxed as our time together went by without issue.
Gotta run. I would recommend to everyone that is on this board to do 2 things. Get DR, follow it to the letter using it as a reference guide/workbook in conjunction with your solutions journal and second, call a DB Coach. I couldn't afford it either. Scroll through my thread for the financial mess that is mine. I just did the math, I will pay a lot more than $400.00 in the long run if the D happens. At least this way, I can say I did everything in my power to salvage the mess I have made.
Well, today was another baby step. She is going out with some friends tonight. As she was leaving I noticed that she is wearing her ring. She took it off a couple of months ago. I didn't say anything about it and I don't intend to. Patience is everything right now. Staying calm when the WAS starts to turn around as recommended in DR is tough. I just have to keep the joy I feel inside. Funny how something simple as W wearing her ring again can have such an affect. I also did very well at not making an issue about where she is going, who is going or what they will be doing. I plan on being asleep when she gets home. I took the kids to dinner, had a great time with them and they are in the process of getting ready for bed. We will chill, watch some TV and wind down. Pretty happy with everything so far.
Still no ILY. That's okay, at least she put the ring back on for tonight anyway.
I've been following the advice given in my phone consultation to the letter. I think part of the incentive found in the phone consultation is the bottom line, its $400.00. I don't know about anyone else, but I don't have that kind of money to just throw it away. I need to make it count. This has motivated me to really apply myself to these principles.
Off to the get the kids out of the bath and ready for bed. Hopefully the next time I get on here it will be to share more positives. The setbacks just suck.
Hey Tyler, I know what you mean about the ring. H wears his when I am around and I am exhilarated!!! It is a symbol that you shared on the day you chose to be together forever, it is not just a piece of jewelry. Not saying anything or letting the excitement pull you into a set back was your best bet.
You are not alone on the money thing. I would love to call a DB counselor and get a check on what I am doing but I just can't. Between GAL efforts and being separated, money is tight. Hopefully you can share more positives with us soon, I love hearing the successes on here and hope to be able to provide some support through good and bad times
