I think both things are true. For instance, I think my H was "hurt" by my neglect of my appearance and I did have a responsibility to remedy that. My point is that the pendulum of whose needs/wants are being most adequately addressed can swing fully in both directions in both practical (adding or subtracting value)and psychological (adding or subtracting validation)ways. If HD is able to seek sex simply for the value it offers rather than the validation it offers then he will be able to value it accurately in terms of other "lifestyle" choices. He will be able to consider rationally whether an extra blow job a week is worth an extra 1/2 hour commute a day.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
