My mom is doing much better this week and she should be released next week. I cannot believe that she survived. It was so painful to see her suffer so; I am glad this may be behind us. She will need to spend several weeks is assisted living but the docs think she can go back to her independent living apartment after that.
My MIL took a turn for the worse this week. She started another round of chemo for her lung cancer but became very ill. They had to stop the chemo for now – without it she has little chance. But I don’t believe she is strong enough to take it.
I feel better today. I have been in a funk lately b/c of the holidays, my mom, and b/c my W was being a bi*ch at the holidays. I felt like I was falling in a deep pit. But I reread some of my books and I was reminded that while the logical mind tells us to detach and move on the emotional mind is like the tide. We feel emotions at high tide and then we think everything is okay when low tide comes. But then another high tide follows. I have been calling it backsliding and beating myself up for again feeling anger, frustration, fear and sorrow. But backsliding is not it at all. It is how emotions work. They work like the tide to change the coastline ever so slowly. If you build a wall to keep out the tide, the coastline never changes, never improves.
So I again realize to let the emotions run their course and accept what they are telling me. They are part of the healing process. It is also easier to stand for my M since I know the anger and frustration I am feeling for my W is normal and it is not about her as a person – it is about the choices she felt she needed to make in her life at this point in time. I know the anger and frustration I am feeling for me is also normal and they are helping me correct things in my control. The fear I am feeling will challenge me into a new future and new GAL goals. The sorrow at my loss will propel me to be stronger.
Yes, my emotions are normal. My high tide will return. I embrace it for it will chisel my coastline into something beautiful and powerful.
Long weekend coming up with my kids. I am looking forward to it. I have not seen them in over two weeks.
