Muddle's Waters V

[MuddleThrough]

Thanks Whatis, it's actually something straight out of marriage counselling too. The absolutism, which is ALWAYS an exageration, is dysfunctional because it allows for generalizations to take the place of real people and possibilities. Someone who's depressed is likely to take an extremely pessimistic view of the possibilities of future interactions with another person if they believe that the other person ALWAYS responds a certain way. The idea is to get this person to think of an exception - this breaks the absolutist notion that this person will certainly respond the way they are expected to, and they are seen as having a tendency towards a certain behavior or response rather than it being a necessary component to their character.

I think this is why I felt uncomfortable with the advice I gave. It's because I told her rather than allowing her to find the solution herself. I have to say that I was a bit frustrated with her negativity. She was really down on herself, basically saying she felt like she was crazy and incompetent because she had the feelings she did. I wanted her to know that I thought she was normal, her feelings were normal, but her perspective was causing her distress. In doing so I sortof invalidated her because I took a nearly polar opposite perspective, that her feelings were good things to have and that she should listen to them. I don't think she would have come about this way of thinking if I hadn't brought it up. I think she would have obsessed over this all night and stressed herself out to the point where she couldn't sleep, etc.

I'm glad my W showed me caring too. It's tough to guage where we are because I feel like I'm still acting from a position of her husband even though she doesn't want me to, and whenever she's being receptive to me, whenever we have good interactions, I question whether we're getting to a good place as a couple or if she's just glad to have someone to talk to and the wall between us is now too strong for her to allow for more intimacy than we have right now. I think there's real intimacy there, I wonder if she does.