Afterall....This IS my Life III

[heatherg]

I was thinking about my comment to Blackfoot yesterday where I said I stayed with H through his 'bad behavior' phase, but that it's the indifference that causes me to lose hope. I didn't really realize how true that was for me until I said it....I think I could put up with a lot of bad behavior from H if I knew he still really wanted to be with me. I cried this morning as I realized that after so long of dealing with all of this, I no longer know my H and he no longer knows me. I don't know what his intent is anymore, I don't know if he wants to be with me anymore, I don't know if he still loves me or even cares about me, I don't know if he enjoys spending time with me. About the only thing he's offered up is that he's still attracted to me. Big fcking deal, he's attracted to 75% of the naked women on the internet. Hearing that doesn't give me what I need.

I know I messed up, I know it's difficult for him. Because I emphathize so much with him, it's difficult for me to blame him for how he's treated me. All I know is that the farther apart we drifted, the more difficult it was to accept. For a long while, we could go back and forth. I would struggle through the bad times, but when the good times came back around, we would fall back in line almost like nothing had happened. I just couldn't do that anymore.....the realization hit me as I listened to the man who used to be my H essentially tell me I was a bad mother.....on top of treating me like a dog in front of my sister who was here visiting....on top of saying negative things about me in front of my kids. No stranger gets away with that crap with me kwim?