Still alive, Part II

[MJontheMend]

[quote][/quote]Well, I want a million dollars. I want to live in the country. I don't want to live in this city. I want you to not lie to me. I really feel like we've been close these last few weeks, and then you lied to me about x


Remember what I told you before about how the real benefit of being brutally honest with your spouse is that then your spouse will be brutally honest with you. Don't ignore what MsHD is saying here. She is frustrated with the life style concessions she has had to make in order to meet your need to maintain your family from your previous marriage. If she wasn't married to you she could live where she preferred. Of course, she probably doesn't want to "see" herself as the "evil step-mother" so she transfers her guilt for her "selfish" desires to you and your "selfish" sex drive. The perverse thing is that you are both stuck in this vicious cycle because you both strongly share the value of "caring for children.". This is evident in your posts and your W's choice of profession.

I can actually kind of empathize with MsHD. I would hate to be stuck living in the suburbs if the country is where I felt like I could better "nest". Maybe if you were able to give her an opportunity to be "generous" in this matter she would feel less resentment. You could offer to move to the country and then let her work through the issue of how this would affect your children. If you really don't trust her to do some version of the "right thing" in this matter then I really don't think you should be married to her.

Her issue with your "lies" is really just your own issue with you being a "wimp". The solution is to just be as honest as possible. In the case you detailed above, I think the truly honest thing to do would have been to not let MsHD make an inconvenient "rule" for you about kid pick-up that you didn't intend to "obey". You should have said "I think you are right. I will try to avoid having DD5 in the car in the future but sometimes I will choose convenience.".