Still in the fight

[whatisis]

8, the fact that she is having an A is not "fine" but it's something you choose to live with for the time being. Personally, I would not bother with the necklace thing. Think it through, you tell her not to wear it, she likes it and wears it anyway. Are you going to end the M? Probably not, but you are putting yourself in a position where you must back up your request with action. I wouldn't go there unless you are absolutely sure you will follow through. You've told her your feelings about flaunting OM and, with this exception, she has respected them. Count it as a victory and move on. By making the necklace the focus you are making OM the focus also. I'd let it go. Just my 2 cents.

[Heywyre]

I don't know - the whole necklace thing would really not sit well with me either. I think its just too "in your face" kind of thing to do and its really disrespectful, particularly if you are seriously working on repairing things.

I know after H had his first A I made him get rid of a suede jacket I knew he loved but I also knew he wore everytime he went to see OW. For the longest time I wouldn't even drive in his vehicle, knowing full well she had sat in the same place my butt was now sitting. I know it sounds petty but I just coulnd't help it. He eventually even sold the vehicle

I don't know where he was with OW this second time around and sometimes that is a good thing but I would be choked if I saw him wearing something I knew she had given to him - I am afraid if he didn't get rid of it himself, I would secretly destroy it and play stupid if he asked where it was - I know, not very mature but who is under these circumstances?

[whatisis]

Heywyre, the key is in what you wrote "its really disrespectful, particularly if you are seriously working on repairing things." From what I know 8 is the only one wanting to work on repairing things. That's why I say, let the necklace go. If you take a stand you must back it up with something, but what? We must all pick our battles and I, and it's just me, wouldn't choose this one. Boundaries require consequences if broken, what would be a useful consequence here? I'll stop talking to you, I'll move out, I'll sleep in another room? Are any of those going to make the R better? I would ask "is this going to promote what I'm trying to achieve". I guess only 8 can answer that one.

[81388*]

Hey and what; I can see both perspectives, but Whatis said it, I am the only one working on anything. My darling W is working on HER hapiness, and HER new life.

I have contemplated just asking her, telling her that is upsetting to me and I would appreciate it if I didn't have to look at it, but w/out consequences, what is the point other than to make myself heard?(Ford and others would say THAT is a valid point, Hey you might agree as well.) As I have said elsewhere, I sometimes think that would be the real 180, pitch a fit about something, get emotional, start a fight.

I will leave it on the back burner tonight, dinner is cooking and we are waiting for her to get home from her first day at work. I guess I will find out then how the V.day card went over, but probably not. If she stays true to form, it will be no comment or "you didn't have to do that".

It is interesting that she doesn't tell me she really doesn't like it, or stop doing that, or take the card back and stick it up your a$$. Then again, neither does she say thank you.

[81388*]

I guess just asking her would fit with my "no regrets" additude, where I have been telling her things that I am thinking just to keep her informed of what I am feeling.

Can you tell I am trying to justify confronting her on this?

[Heywyre]

Ummmm yup - good ole 8, always trying to justify.

And, if she doesn't want your present, or the wonderful supper you cooked, just send it my way. What I would do for a H that cooked

[whatisis]

8, I think there are two ways to look at this (and probably a lot more!), the first being that you show your love in the way that you feel comfortable and accept that you may get no response, so you live with it. Second, you look at the effect of your cards and flowers or whatever else and ask "is this helping the sitch?" if it is, do more and if it isn't then do something different. I always felt that as long as my W was not having adverse reactions to it or asking me to stop then I would continue in the way I believed a loving H should, but what do I know, I'm still spinning my wheels in my sitch!

[Heywyre]

Spinning your wheels is still better than being stuck, isn't it?

Please tell me it is

[whatisis]

Heywyre, Actually I am stuck but I figure if I keep telling myself I'm spinning my wheels sooner or later I might start believing it! Spinning at least has an action component to it whereas stuck is just yukk! It's DB to act "as if", right? Please tell me it is

[81388*]

Hey; Sometimes spinning your wheels just gets you more stuck.:(

W called prior to the wonderful supper and said she would be late and we should eat with out her which we did (wouldn't have in the past). We had a great time when she got home, talked about her day, had loads of opportunity to be supportive and to validate, of course not about R or M.

When she came in, she just said how tired she was, I just told her leftovers are in the microwave. After she warmed up her dinner, we sat and talked and had a beer, she opened her cards from the kids and thanked me for the card from me. She had helped the kids get cards for me, but had not got one from herself. So I struck out this V-day, I am officially a man without a valantine.

The absolute best part was talking about the AM and getting up and showers and kids etc. I said don't worry, we will figure it out. She was stuck on showers, what time am I getting up? when would she have to be in the shower, I just told her it would be easier if we just showered together. She actually smiled and almost laughed. I was prepared for a "I don't think that will work", so imagine my surprise. The only problem is now I can't get the idea of showering with her out of my head