Sorry it has been a while since I posted to you. I wanted to respond regarding the $$ issue. Like David, I have read the Conway's books and have taken that approach as the foundation of my personal work in this MLC process. I think much of their advice is very wise. So upon reading their work, although I was afraid and I wanted to react by protecting myself straight away, I did not immediately jump to separate our finances because of what I read. I made a few calls, visited a L, and assessed my risk. I decided to leave everything as is for now.
We have joint accounts (H & I are both listed and have access to all accounts). I manage all the personal accounts: a cash flow account for all of our living expenses; a house account for the mortgage, taxes and insurance, and then I also have a personal account of my own (even though H is listed as a secondary owner). H manages the business accounts, which includes checking and a savings (and I am co-owner of those accounts, and can see the activity on them). H has some credit cards that he uses for the business and I don't know about those accounts, and how the spending has been on those, but they are in his name only. So far H has never, ever touched any of the household joint accounts to WD anything. And I regularly transfer $$ out of his business accounts into our cash flow as we initially agreed. H continues to grumble about this, but so far has taken no steps to file for D, which is what I told him it would take to have his contributions change. I believe H is afraid that a legal arrangement will entail spousal support or paying me out half of the value of the business (causing him to debt or even possibly shut down), since I am listed as co-owner. I am listed as co-owner of his truck too, so I transfer the $ out of his business accounts to make the truck payment, since it would affect my credit. So currently I feel pretty secure that H is on the up and up with the $, and is trying to be honest. H has not hidden his expenses to visit MOW, so I have that on record as well.
What I can say is, if you remain committed to the restoration of your M, do as little as possible to further separate you from your H. However, you must do what is required to protect yourself and your family. I do not think my H is lying to me, and my H has never taken money without telling me. He has even told me when he has made a large WD from the business account, and what it was for. Nonetheless, I am tracking all that (I print out the on-line statements) becuase if we ever do end up in D proceeedings, I will fight for everything I am entitled to. I just continue to hope it will not come to that.
You seem angrier at your H than I am at mine. And also less trusting that you have the correct information. Perhaps you could open another account in addition to the joint ones you have, so you could start building some cash of your own that would cover you in a transition? Or to put your basis living expenses in? Then perhaps you could calm into a "wait and see" stance re: legal steps? I dunno, just a thought. You may need to at least get some legal advice. If you can find a way to manage this where you are not hurt, scared and angry, that's the way to go! You will need a lot of forgiveness to turn the boat around.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Hey, it's been awhile, how ya doin babe? You OK? Want to vent? Happy Valentines day! Whoopee! It's just another day Nicola, you'll have many better. Give us an update when you can.
God Bless,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
That's what my 5 y/o calls it. He has been filling gift bags for all of us for two weeks now. I warded off bad feelings today by wearing a red velvet and black lace gothic-style skirt and top today, and gave Hershey's Kisses to my students. They were so happy! It put a smile on my face too.
I will give a very quick update b/c what I really want to write about is my talk with Jim Conway.
I told H that it bothered me that he'd taken out the $5,000 w/o telling me, and he apologized. Said he'd thought of "reminding" me (huh? Last we talked about this was 6 months ago--I didn't even know if it was still in the plan). He also told me about another couple of expenses coming up so I'll be aware. So, problem solved (for now).
He's coming over tonight b/c I'm supposed to have a wine course, but the weather is getting pretty bad, so I don't think I'll go. He'll still come by b/c the kids have pressies for him.
Thank you very much to all who gave me such thoughtful and realistic advice. I'm still thinking about everything and have been taking very practical steps (like putting $ in savings) for awhile now.
I will post below about Conway.
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
I spoke with him today, and even with a timer on went to 35 mins, though I'd planned on 20. Still, it was hopeful. Lots of stuff similar to Michele, but a bit of a different perspective b/c focus is on MLC.
I will do my best to organize this in a coherent manner, as our conversation went all over the place.
MLC in general:
* Is it MLC or not? Not sure because it's been going on, but it doesn't matter b/c I can use the same tools for a man who is depressed as for one who's in MLC.
* People change all through their lives, but some people do not change enough in early adulthood, so have to do a LOT of changing a midlife.
How men think:
* Obviously, generalized
* Visual: look good and show off what he likes
* Want to be independent: generally, married a strong woman b/c they were not mature in 20s and wanted to be with someone who was. But now, they want to be independent.
* Want to be lusted after: be flirtatious! Touch him, sexy clothes (not sleazy), but take it easy! Show him I'm interested sexually.
* Don't talk till they've decided. Women tend to think out loud; men don't. Conway said that this is why women are always shocked when men leave, and when they come back! He will not say anything till he knows his own mind.
Strategies:
* Follow his lead on speed -> he's a man I'm interested in, so flirt but not too overwhelming.
* Respond when he initiates conversation, but keep it light and don't put any pressure. Do not just walk away. He's testing the waters to see if I still like him.
* Affirmations--lots and lots! He's feeling bad about himself and needs this.
* Get kids to affirm him too
* Pray and get others to pray too
* Visual, flirt, etc.
* Compliment him on taking care of his health and the therapy (not sure about the therapy thing--will think on it)
* Get him the book "31 Days of Praise." Again, not sure about this, but I'll take a look and see if I can find a way to approach it.
Other:
* If he brings up D: "If you want the D, then I can make you stay." But make him do the work, which judging by the way it's gone so far, he won't.
* If one person gets healthy, the other will probably want to also.
* Try to find out if he's switched his meds or still on the same one. It can make a big difference as diff ones work on diff areas of the brain. If his depression isn't in a certain area, a med dealing w/ that won't help. Recommnded "Change your brain, change you life" by Daniel Amen.
* He probably says things to keep his distance, but doesn't take legal steps because he doesn't want to leave the M, but he's afraid that things won't change -> leverage
Positive signs:
* Told me to HOLD ON! There are positive signs.
* He makes conversation
* He hangs around the house
* He's in therapy
* He's on meds
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Thanks for posting that Nic. Will help a lot of people here. You are so good at organizing your thoughts and getting it down.
{{{HUGS}}}
Christy M: 31 H: 33 Married ~ 13 years S12 S8 Bomb 10/05 supposedly ended A 2nd bomb 12/30/05 Separated 01/06 I filed 6/12/07 ~ new ow 3wks after moving out http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1094955&page=0#Post1094955
Your attitude is wonderful. I like the way you're looking at this from a proactive stance. Doing all YOU can do to help save your M. It may or not be saved, but either way you'll be able to look back and know you gave it all. That's been my way and so far I have no regrets.
Love,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
Thank you for sharing. One thing that I believe is most helpful to many here with H's that are in their 30's is the tools that are used for MLC apply for those that are depressed, because I think THAT is what a lot of these guys are suffering from.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
