I COULD NOT UPDATE THIS MORNING OR EVEN JUST JOURNAL BECAUSE YESTERDAY... I was feeling a little anxiety in the morning in the past two weeks it had been coming and going but I hadnt had a panic attack and so I thought I had it all under control. I took my little ones to their camp carnival at their elementary school and I felt a little bad so I decided to sit and anyway by the time we were ready to leave I was feeling so overwhelmed that I felt the need to lay down. But of course you cannot lay down to calm your nerves in front of hundreds of people. So it progresssed and by the time we reached the car I was having the panic attck of all panic attacks. I have never had one so severe or sooooo long. I Thanked God we only live @ 5 blocks from the school and I drove home as best I could my speech began to slur and by the time we got in the house I felt my body begin to tense up as though I were having a seizure,,, I had promised my H the kids would call him. So I dial him and our D9 starts talking to her Daddy and meanwhile my attack proceds and I have never felt so scared but I was not sure why I was feeling like this and it was so severe that I did not even know it was a panic attack.
My H asked me D to talk to me within minutes after talking to her and I tried to talk as normal as I could so as not to worry my H and he knew right away.
MY words were slurred ,,, he said in a concerned voice " why are you talking like that ?" I started to cry nand said I dunno I feel really strange I cannot explain it. He stayed on the phone with me and then he said the most wonderful thing of all
I LOVE YOU.. I got choked up ( I have not heard that since December and if you remember he said he wasnt gonna say it etc etc etc) and said I love you too. Then the biggest shocker of all,, he told me to get in the car and go have a drink at out fave local bar put a good cd in my car and try to chill out,, MY HUSBAND DOES NOT LIKE FOR ME TO EVER GO OUT WHEN HE IS AWAY HE HAS NEVER, EVER , SAID THIS TO ME.IN TEN YEARS. And he finished with and just remember how much I love you! and that should help you some,, and I said yes that will help me alot! (with tears in my voice of course)
I am still in shock....
So I went to the DR right away this morning and I will begin taking Lexapro. I need to read about the side effects etc etc I forgot to ask my DR. And then my Aunt treated me to lunch and I actually even though I am not feeling like my old self yet ( for some reason I feel just weak nad not myself) had a real nice time and I stayed out of the house the whole day,, it was nice. I rarely ever treat myself to that whim . Scary but after yesterday I realized I really need to slow waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down and start to smell the roses as they say.
I called my h and told him what they told me and he seemed genuinely concerned and has actually called me twice from his Dads celll phone ( another first for him ) and he wanted to see how I was feeling and make sure I am ok.
SO thank you all for caring and being here for me. I will continue to post everyday and I see now that MORE THAN EVER I need to take it easy and now more than ever take care of me,,,,
YESTERDAY SCARED ME SO MUCH IT IS HARD TO PUT INTO WORDS AND I DO THANK YOU ALL FROM THE BOTTOM OF ,MY HEART FOR SUPPORTING ME IT MEANS SO VERY, VERY MUCH TO ME!!!! GOD BLESS...
Well I just returned from my morning workout and I feel exhausted. During My workout I actually felt like I was working sooooooo hard just to get thru it. I did less than I normally do but I am not going to beat myself up about it. I am just going to keep taking small steps and get strong again. I am doing much better emotionally and I dunno If the medicine is already working or I am just still down from my attack on Thursday and then I also had one on Friday Nite. I feel just a calm about me, and I like it. I feel like I can focus some more and at the same time I feel like I am going on slow motion, maybe I need to get used to being somewhat more relaxed,, I will be calling my doctor in a bit to see what he says. I am sure it also helps that my H is being sweet as cake. IT IS AMAZING really,, I have also been just being me on the phone with him and have just let go trmendously, I was starting to watch everything I said and it was tense for me and it lead to very boring conversations. It is as though after my episode on Thursday,, I have been allowing myself to slow down and just take life in. I us to feel so rushed abd stressed. I guess nervous exhaustion will lead you to take it easy! I even talked to my kids ( I have 5 kids 4 are here at home)and told 'em I love you guys and I need you to do more around the house I can no longer be superwoman mom has to take care of mom too,, they are doing awesome.
I feel so humbled by all the support I receieve here. You all are the best. Take care and smile. God bless...
I started to post here this afternoon and I had not gone to excercise yet and I was going to take it easy but then I just got up and went. So now I am here posting at Nite and I feel great actually. I nstead of feeling like I cannot do it , i got and said the H*ll with it I am a little under the weather but I can do this and sure enough I did. I am so proud of me . I am also proud of the fact that I have not talked to my H all day and I am doing ok,, I miss him but I am not worrying or getting upset!!!!!! ...... he said he would call today so I am sure I will hear from him later. I like this how he calls and feels more comfortable,, it is so much better. He usually equates me not calling alot with ~~~ I do not care. That is not good. And when I call alot and he is not very nice it just creates more anxiety for me. Dunno what changed but it sure feels awesome ,, I feel more secure. I will keep working on me , I am going to the gym daily and eating right too. I hope when he comes home he feels better about himself.
He was sooooo adorable on Friday nite he called me @12:30 am he was at a concert and he wanted me to hear the music he called me at least 4 more times and the last time was @ 4:30 am and he said he was "home" and he loved me very much. On Saturday afternoon when he called he said ILY again and that he missed me and for him that is a " 180" he is usually to " macho" or stubborn to be sooooooooooooo ~~~ "mushy". I felt so very special and like I said I dunno what brought on this softening or change of heart but it sure is nice.
Thank you all so much for being here for me. God bless...
Happy Valentines Day everyone!!!!!!!!!!!! I called my H a bit ago and he sounded so nice,, he says to me why didnt you call me yesterday? And I said you big dork you said you were gonna call me! So I was up today thinking he was not thinking of me or worried about calling and he was wondering why I had not called. Too funny. He asked me to call him later. He will be home in a couple of weeks and I hope he keeps up with the postiveness that has seemed to take over him. I will be heading to the gym later and I hope in a few weeks I am looking better and more importantly feeling at my best. My weight has not changed much just a few pounds off and it is ok My goal is to lose 17 pounds , last year I lost twenty and kept it off for a year now so that is good I usually regain it . My Lbs diet last summer had me at my goal weight but then I stopped going to the gym altogether b/c of my sadness and just started eating again if only I would have maintained my LBS weight. It is all good though I am really starting to love myself again and it feels SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO good.
Thank you God for helping me stay strong.... Thank you all for everything too, for sure ,you all are the best, have a FABULOUS DAY!!!!!! GOD BLESS...
Feeling grateful.... I just took myself to lunch and went to wash my car. Taking it easy today and it feels so good. I need to let myself be and just take my blessings in. I took a detour last week and was feeling overwhelmed by it all.
I do think that the meds the DR put me on are surely also helping. I have fought taking these meds for years cause " I can do this by myself " type of mentality. When all my body needed was a litle help and it made me feel less if I had to take medicine and others didn't, how foolish. The things we fight so hard are sometimes the very things we need to give into.
I needed to take meds for years and for years I needed to love myself enough to carve out time for me and give myself some love so that what I gave others was the best of me. I foolishly have thought that if I just give and give and give some more and let me slide it will be ok . Not so,, I need to give myself a gift of taking care of me and then everything else comes into place. I was doing that for a bit but then I got sucked into feeling pity for myself,, why?
When I know, I am strong , beautiful and worthy. And when I love me it seems so much better but it sure is easy to give into fear and stop loving me. The hardest thing for me to do is put me first b/c for years upon years it has been be a MOM and that is it. I left no room for myself to be a Woman to have my wants fulfilled. It is ok to be a Woman and a Wife and a MOM all at the same time. Just not get lost in one role for too long. It is ok for me to be sensual and sexual and want to still be desirable it does not make me a bad Mother it just makes me human.
It will take alot of work on my part to keep this instilled in me and not get in the rut of just being MOM and WIFE. I need to be a Woman for me and for my H and for my kids too.
I have been digging deep and letting myself feel good and feel sexy and it has been fun,, burtied feelings. I think I was so afraid my H would reject me , and b/c of his affairs I felt ugly. I let the beauty in me sit still for FAR TOO LONG,,, I hope it keeps coming to the surface.
I want to feel alive...... It is starting and it feels so much better than holding my breath waiting for it all to get better!
I was the same as you; doing everything for everyone EXCEPT myself. I always felt that as a Mom I had to make sacrifices, that is so wrong. Mom needs to feel good too! If Mom is happy then everyone is happy!!
Create the life you want and live it like it has already happened. It is contagious, your H will have no choice than to follow your lead.
Sven and Mama ~~~I am trying real hard to find my center for sure and just find me. I can still fear the fear a little and then I take a real big deep breath and it fades. It for sure helps 100% that my husband is being nice. It makes a huge difference.And being good to me is not as bad as I thought it ever would be it actually feels good.
When I can feel his love and most of all respect my heart just opens and I take a bigger risk, I alllow myself to be vulnerable and sweet not guarded.. I have learned that I am responsible for my own Happiness!!!!
And yet when he adds to it it feels like sheer bliss. I know I cannot always feel like this but it sure would be nice to talk to one another with love and respect and to compromise too. Like we have been for a whole week now. I really hope he sees how nice we interact when there is mutual respect involved.
I went to the gym today and I lifted weights for 45 minutes and I also rode the bike for 30 minutes. I am impressed with that and I have alot of energy today. Dunno if it is the working out or the meds or what but it feels good to have enregy and not feel so tired and hopeless and just palin overwhelmed. I must say it is also helpful for me to come here and post everyday it feels good to put my feelings down as I work thru this in my life, I neeed to concentrate on when he arrives to just be free and let go for real ,,,,no holding back.
Before, when we were seperated ,,,I know without a doubt,,,I let go. But then the thought of her (OW) would just walk up to me and slap me in the face again and I felt so humiliated. I am working on realizing he is human and I am seperate from all of their "stuff". He hurt me too and I did not run into the arms of another man,, but enough of that. He loves me and needs for me to let this all go and become the best WOMAN I possibly can and that I am underneath all this stuff. I am determined to do this even if it takes alot of hard work.
I am rambling and I dunno if any of this made sense,,, growing is alot of work Thanks you all xOXOXOXOXo Ali God bless...
